[BlackCanary]

So, it has been 4 months since my male exT moved to another job. I've continued therapy with a new T, a woman. I've been trying to unravel what was going on with me in relation to the male T - the grief I felt was immense, disproportionate.

I knew enough about therapy, so I was expecting to experience transference, and to figure out what that meant, who it was about.
But did I fall in love? I was not expecting that! I certainly tossed out the notion that it was possible or reasonable. I think I assumed it would never happen to me once I was married.
Logic said "You are married, this is not happening, this is not necessary, leave it alone."
Inner Analyst said "Dis is transference, vat does dis really mean?"
Reptilian brain said "You really like this guy! Check him out!"
Inner teenager said "OMG, he is SO totally AWESOME, and he totally likes me!"
Now, looking back, it seems like good old-fashioned unrequited love for an idealized man. I did not know the real person, and I know he did not have any feelings like mine.

While I talked about my feelings, we never worked on the transference element, what it meant, who it was about. Maybe that would have kept me from moving into a deeper feeling about him.

I think I am really trying to just accept it even now. It was not bad, because I think feeling love is never bad. It did impact my functioning and my relationship with my husband to some degree because it was a distracting presence. It made therapy harder than necessary.

[geez]

Thank you for posting this ((blackcanary)). I'm married and I feel like I'm in the transference boat right now. I'm hoping that this can be resolved soon for me as it takes so much of my energy. Thanks again for sharing your experience.

[BlackCanary]

I'm looking at what it was about this relationship that I really, really liked - those things are the clues to what I might want in my marriage
+ more one to one conversations?
+ permission to express all emotions w/o risk of being laughed at, or getting a defensive response, or angry response?
+ my male T never hugged me, but I crave that simple and safe act of reassurance and caring?

This is the hardest work in therapy so far.
Good luck to you, geez!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by BlackCanary

I'm looking at what it was about this relationship that I really, really liked - those things are the clues to what I might want in my marriage

Yes, I think what we like of the therapy relationship provides important information on what we want in our outside relationships. It makes me sad too, because I didn't have those things from therapy in my marriage. If I ever have a serious relationship again, I will definitely look for some of my T's qualities there. I won't expect a clone, by any means, but maybe my standards are a little different now that I have had a guy be nice to me. I know I would like some of those same things you list, BC--someone who can talk to me, won't laugh at me, and isn't hug-averse. Seems like not too tall a list...

Originally Posted by BlackCanary

it seems like good old-fashioned unrequited love for an idealized man

I like that description better than transference.

Originally Posted by BlackCanary

we never worked on the transference element, what it meant, who it was about

Could it have been about your T and not someone else?

[cmac13]

For me it is about the feelings of needing a "mom" and the nurturing I never had.

[BlackCanary]

I've started to talk about my husband in therapy. Yesterday my T said "Ah, one reason you liked exT is that he acted like an adult!" Ha! Well, my exT was always at work when I saw him, so he may be pretty juvenile when he's at home like so many other men

@Sunrise - definitely what I loved was the relationship, how it made me feel, and the T's behavior in the relationship was an essential element. I learned many good things from him, things about myself and how to be happy, things that I treasure. He came with me on a journey from a place of great fear and sadness to a place of strength and positive thinking. So, it's about him in that way - a very special person in my life at a very challenging time.
But, because I knew little about him, we didn't talk about him, it wasn't about him the person. He was an idealized parent in many ways, like my fave professor in college. I could not talk to him about my husband or my intimate life - I was embarrassed for him to know that I had such a thing!
I think of that framework, the relationship, as something I can model or replicate in my own life. It's a process, this communication. Yes, a T is specialized in this area, but I'm sure my smart husband can build some skills, make minor improvements - he surely wants me to feel his love. He actually loves me, and my exT did not love me.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by BlackCanary

I'm sure my smart husband can build some skills, make minor improvements - he surely wants me to feel his love.

This sounds so very positive about your marriage! I am glad you have confidence your H is all these things. You said you've started to talk about your H is therapy. Do you think he will join you at some point? My T has said he can give tips to men on how to treat their wives that will tremendously improve their marriages (this is a generalization, I know). He said some men are so happy to learn a few simple things to improve and are very grateful to him. He said other men get very defensive and think T is criticizing them and can't hear what he is saying because of this. I think for men like my XH, it would have a better chance of helping him if he heard these things from a T, rather than from his wife. In how you write about your H, it does not sound like he is like this, though. Best wishes for an improving and happy marriage!

[BlackCanary]

@Sunrise - no, I don't think my H would come to T, nor do I want the T to tell him stuff. I need to be able to tell him myself - do these things to show me love. When you do this, it triggers my innate defenses, sets off my fear alarm, even though I'm logically not afraid of you.

We just had an anniversary, and he bought me a beautiful necklace, something I'd suggested in a random email moment several months ago. He remembered, he got it engraved, too.

Black Canary, I developed feelings for my first T. It's an incredibly long story but in the end, I sent him an email wanting to terminate. I could not handle the incredibly intense feelings I was experiencing and our inability to talk about it in a way that was productive for either of us.( I would bring up transference and he would get really uncomfortable) T was disappointed and responded that he wanted to continue...He said, "Naturally, he wanted to work on these issues with me." When we met the next time, it was he who terminated me. I felt set-up.

I have since seen two other T's...one female for 1 1/2 yrs and a male T for a little over a year. I did not develop the strong feelings for EITHER of them like I did first T. I still struggle with the effects of my termination and my random encounters with him. I don't understand how I could develop and experience such strong feelings towards him and not any others.

[Tiberius]

Originally Posted by lost in termination

I don't understand how I could develop and experience such strong feelings towards him and not any others.

Maybe you learned from experience how to protect your feelings?

[Mike_J]

I know the feelings I have towards my therapist has made it easier for me to open up to her.

It’s a very much a "double edged sword" has made some parts of therapy so much easier, but at the same time has given me an ongoing issue that I have to deal with. But the idea of life without her is so unthinkable, it may be an issue that complicates my therapy but it’s a complication I gladly accept.

[BlackCanary]

@Mike - therapy without the lovesickness is really terrific. I hope you get to try it!

My new T, she wants that I should be able to figure "it" out myself. She's willing to validate me, hug me, reassure me, show caring - things my exT never did. She's taken the "am I worthy?" question off the table by giving me a "yes". She wants me to be independent of her in being able to understand myself, "the answer is within you" is what she tells me. The things that I figure out through self-examination are little accomplishments for me, by me! Of course I tell my T, and she's proud, but that's not what drives me. I'm just amazed at my own power.