The T point of view

I think it would be nice if a T would post his/ her experience with a clients transference.

How did you feel about it?

Did you reciprocate the emotions?

Did you want to terminate treatment?

Tell it all! Please share. I think it will help some who are facing or enduring transference. it isn't an easy thing.

I don't think a T will post on here about transference. You can search for articles on google that might help.

Personally my T was honored by my feelings. He has never wanted to terminate and we are very honest and open with each other.

He says my transference illuminates the work that needs to be done.

Hi Sunne,
I thought they would discuss it. Without disclosing who he or she is. Oh well. I've spent the past week facing & reading about transference. Not an easy task.

There are a lot of great books out there meant for therapists that talk about both the client transference and the therapist counter-transference that will give you a peek on the other side.

I really liked this one.

I can tell you that my t said once that she hates transference and that sometimes it drives her insane. Does that help any?

Huh? How can you hate transference?! Transference is present in ALL relationships, just a fancy word for......feelings!

As for my t.....he said: "I am aware of the sexual tension between us." THere isn't anything we can't discuss

A T that "hates transference" is pretty sad. It happens in every relationship and most therapists believe it's necessary for deep therapeutic healing. Psychodynamic therapists believe that's where the real work is, in figuring out the roots of transference.

What she hates is the complications it causes in therapy when it gets in the way. Like especially when she is being nice to someone but mother/father transfeence gets in the way and the client treats her like shes their nasty mama/daddy and goes all wonky on her,,screaming and having fits on her, when she hasnt done anything to cause it. It gets old after a client does it over and over.

I would think a T would get lonely, what with the client going all "wonky" as Starry_Night points out can happen. It can take a long time for a client to work through transference and I'd think knowing the client was doing the mother/father transference thing but not in a position to discuss it as part of the therapy yet and the therapist not able to get things moving quicker could be frustrating.

Huh? But that's exactly the way therapy works!

Not everyone knows how therapy works (especially clients). But in example you mention from Starrynight, why wouldn't T bring this up to their client? If T see's a comparative relationship brewing then why wouldn't she tell her client this?

Good question. My T HAS done this. Can you imagine what it's like, having someone tell you, "Ugh, you sound just like your mother!" Because part of the way this works is, not only do we revert to acting like children, but even worse, we revert to acting like our parent when our back is against the wall - when we don't know how to ask another adult for what we want, we will treat them like a child. The ultimate goal in therapy I guess is to have 2 adults talking to each other. For me anyway.

Rumour has it, no one knows how therapy works.
But I'm pretty sure transference is important.

I'm not sure why a therapist wouldn't be able to discuss transference? Mine sure has discussed it with me. She explains things that she picks up on, and it helps me a lot. There are some transference things that go on that I'm aware of on my end, and are too sacred to me to bring up. It's like, I worry that if I put it on the table, the magic of it will dissipate, and I'm not ready to give that particular thing up . So some of the things that go on in my head with respect to the transference in our relationship, I keep to myself. And we sure don't discuss it every session. But it's been addressed, and sometimes I get the sense that some of the things she does spring from her awareness of it and her belief that it will meet a therapeutic need. It's like we're both aware and aware that we're both aware, but we let the mystery of it do its work without putting it under a microscope. It just hovers, or permeates, or does whatever it does that feels so healing to me. It does make me feel very secure when she does something deliberate that supports the transference. Leaves me feeling like she knows where I am, and isn't in any kind of a rush to take away what is clearly working well. But us talking about it and her explaining it to me early on was important, because doing that ensured I could safely wander around in it, experience it, need it, without fear.

all wonky... thats just funny

I am a T, but I have not yet experienced romantic feelings from any of my clients, at least not explicitly. I can think of some who I had perceived as having possibly flirted with me non-verbally, but I have not and would not ever vocalize it to them unless I knew with certainty that they were doing this, or if they began acting extremely inappropriate in my office. The reason I do not bring it up without certainty and the reason I would bring it up with extreme acting out is for the same reason: a potential lawsuit. That is the last thing I need, to lose the job I always dreamed of having and worked so incredibly hard for!

Having said that, I do believe that romanticized transference, like any transference experience, can be incredibly helpful to the patient's healing if they are willing to explore it. It can always be connected with the work happening in therapy, and I would certainly be willing to help my patients understand it, but I do recognize how vulnerable and taboo it can feel to be open about so I don't exactly fish for it (but I always have a friendly, open, "you can talk about anything in here" kind of attitude).

I am a human being, and so of course I have thought some of my patients were sexually attractive. But there is a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them. I have never experienced the latter. Think about how you would conduct yourself around someone attractive whom you work with in another profession where you hold an important position. What would you do? If you're smart and like your job, you act professional. That's what I do - I act professional and do my job. I seriously love my work, and I would never consider even developing a friendship with a client (even if they terminated years ago). One thing I make sure I do when I find a client attractive though, is that I note it in my head and monitor my behavior to see whether or not I am acting differently based on the feeling. I wouldn't want to unconsciously act differently and have it effect treatment.

In terms of reciprocity, I would never disclose my feelings to a client if I did find them attractive. I would never deny it either. Both are counterproductive to therapy. I would demonstrate appreciation though for their sharing with me, and invite them to examine it with me to see how it functions in and out of therapy. And of course, I would remind them that we're not allowed to have anything but a professional relationship.

A number of years ago, I had the most severest crush on my own therapist. So, I know what it's like to be on the other end. My experience of it was very similar to what many of you are talking about here. Actually, maybe it was worse. I was totally obsessed with her, idealized her, fantasized about her, and talked with her about this in many of our sessions. I no longer see her now, because I moved, but I found my work with her to be some of the absolute best therapy I've done. And I believe it had a lot to do with my having feelings for and learning about the role they played in treatment. It sucked, and I would have told you that I loved her, but now years later when I look back at it I see that I was using it as a defense.

I am so glad a forum like this exists for all of you. You need a place to be able to talk about this stuff. Of course, I am biased and will tell you that you should talk about it with your therapist, but I realize this is too far a stretch for many of you.

Thanks for responding. It gives me a different insight about the interactions. Yes, I feel safe, relaxed free, happy when I am there. I feel I have my closet confidant and friend. I can depend on him. He listens, he doesn't forget the things that matter to me. Some days I want to ask him for a hug.. Just to say how appreciative I am.

I have always wanted to know how therapists view it too. I found 2 great blogs from a therapist's perspective that I will share with you. Reading some of the posts made me see how much therapists can actually care.

A Therapist's Thoughts

Doc Blog

Hope this helps!

Hey thanks I really like doc blog

Interesting the Doc Blog says to approach with 'love'. I thought this is a no no in the therapy world. Meaning, keep it neutral so nothing is misconstrued?

I realize the therapist wouldn't say I love you to a client, however how else would a therapist use/promote/suggest love?

You're welcome!

What? It's she a very inexperienced T?

Hey, thanks! I write the Doc Blog. It's been forever since I updated it but I'm planning on getting back to it soon. Thanks for shout out. And, yes, we actually care. I don't know any therapists who don't, although I'm sure they're out there.

That's very kind of you! I write the Doc Blog - well, WROTE, as it's been a while. I've been thinking of firing it back up, and this gives me some good inspiration!

I just read many of the posts on the doc blog. I think you should continue it.