[AuroraBorealis75]

I have one more week until I next see my therapist, and in another thread I posted a letter that I was planning to read to my therapist about my transference and how it's starting to feel like a romantic attraction. But now I am starting to chicken out. Is it really necessary to tell her the extent of my feelings for her? I'm just so scared that she will look at me differently, and treat me differently, if I do tell her. I don't want to risk her rejection.

[WrkNPrgress]

If it's inhibiting you in any way, it's worth the discussion. If anything it would be worth it to hear your T to tell you that there's nothing to be ashamed of.

Here's a thought, what if telling her makes you feel better? It won't 'heal' the transference but odds are it will help to relive the pressure behind it and if your T is good, it will help you to uncover something about yourself and your own needs, that perhaps you didn't see before.

In other words, go for it! You'll be fine.

[Lauliza]

If the attraction is becoming an issue and interfering with your progress, it's probably a good idea. On the other hand, if it's not, I don't think it's something you should feel like you have to tell her. I would just prepare yourself for any and all possible responses so you aren't blindsided. I think she will be kind though and will tell you there is nothing wrong with your feelings, although nothing can happen between you (which you know anyway). I think you'll be fine and if you feel strongly you should tell her, but just go with the flow and don't pressure yourself.

[AuroraBorealis75]

I'm just so scared that she won't like me anymore. I'm scared that she will be disgusted by me and not want to hug me anymore.

[WrkNPrgress]

I know that feeling. It's terrifying and vulnerable to speak your mind, but that 'disgusting' stuff is the shame speaking and that's what's really hurting, IMO.

You should tell her all that too. Tell her what you're afraid of in talking about what you need to talk about. It's all grist for the mill, as they say.

[AuroraBorealis75]

What I really don't want to tell her is that it is starting to feel like a sexual attraction. There is no way I could ever tell her that. I would just die of shame. Even saying that it feels like a romantic attraction is bad enough. It makes me have to question my sexual identity, because I'm female too. It's terrifying to think that I might be gay (no offence against anyone who is). While I don't go to church anymore, I was raised in a very strict, conservative christian family, and there is so much judgement in my family, and I feel like that judgemental worldview is still clinging to me, digging its claws into me, even though i want to shake it off. No one in my family would understand. My therapist is straight, and married, and she is a christian, although I don't know where she stands on the issue. I just don't want her to think that when I've asked for hugs that I am coming on to her. I've been attracted to guys before, but (GASP!) I've never been in a relationship. I don't know if I ever will be able to be in a relationship, because I'm just so messed up about sex. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I could be attracted to females. I just haven't been able to admit it to myself because the ramifications are so frightening.

[AuroraBorealis75]

The one and only benefit of feeling depressed is that these feelings for my therapist go away.

[AuroraBorealis75]

I'm afraid that my therapist will think I am being melodramatic or manipulative when I read my letter to her because every time I have to tell her about something really hard to talk about I get really anxious and quiet and sometimes I start shaking. I'm afraid she will think I'm putting on a show of being scared so that that she will feel sorry for me and not tell me what she really thinks of me.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

I'm afraid that my therapist will think I am being melodramatic or manipulative when I read my letter to her because every time I have to tell her about something really hard to talk about I get really anxious and quiet and sometimes I start shaking. I'm afraid she will think I'm putting on a show of being scared so that that she will feel sorry for me and not tell me what she really thinks of me.

I'm sure she doesn't think you're being manipulative and putting on a show for her. I don't get the impression you're that kind of person at all.

In terms of whether to tell her...I agree with some other posters that if you feel it's interfering with the therapy, you should say something. You might feel relief after getting it out--I know I did when I told my marriage counselor (though it was also very hard to do). Though for you, it's especially complicated because of the sexuality issues. Maybe you could just talk about wanting to be close to her rather than mention the sexual aspects, if that makes you more comfortable at first. Or say you wish she could hold you and comfort you, something like that. You don't have to share every thought in your head about her.

[AuroraBorealis75]

I think unconsciously I've been testing my therapist, trying to see how much $h!t I can drop before she will get sick of me, be disgusted with me, and drop me. It's almost like I'm daring her to abandon me too, proving that I am hopeless, just like my mom always seemed to think I was. I guess i should include this in my letter that is getting longer and longer every day.

[AuroraBorealis75]

I have absolutely no intention of telling my therapist that the transference feels sexual. The most I will say is romantic, although I guess when it really comes down to it, they're both the same. But I feel like I have to tell her, otherwise it's going to block me and haunt me for the rest of my life, like I'll have lied to her, been untruthful about who I am.

[AuroraBorealis75]

She told me there is nothing I can tell her that will make her walk away from me or tell me she's going to stop seeing me. It's just so hard to believe, because there have been so many people I thought I could trust who ended up abandoning me.

[RedSun]

It sounds very confusing and challenging for you, you are being very brave sharing this with your T. And I would think it's fine to stick to telling her about romantic transference, tbh she might well join the dots from there anyway.

It's really normal and natural to feel erotic feelings for your T. It doesn't mean you're gay.
And, if you are gay/bi/Demi/pan whatever, I really hope that, in time, you can feel that that's okay too, and give yourself permission to love who you want to love without fear.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

What I really don't want to tell her is that it is starting to feel like a sexual attraction. There is no way I could ever tell her that. I would just die of shame. Even saying that it feels like a romantic attraction is bad enough. It makes me have to question my sexual identity, because I'm female too. It's terrifying to think that I might be gay (no offence against anyone who is). While I don't go to church anymore, I was raised in a very strict, conservative christian family, and there is so much judgement in my family, and I feel like that judgemental worldview is still clinging to me, digging its claws into me, even though i want to shake it off. No one in my family would understand. My therapist is straight, and married, and she is a christian, although I don't know where she stands on the issue. I just don't want her to think that when I've asked for hugs that I am coming on to her. I've been attracted to guys before, but (GASP!) I've never been in a relationship. I don't know if I ever will be able to be in a relationship, because I'm just so messed up about sex. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I could be attracted to females. I just haven't been able to admit it to myself because the ramifications are so frightening.

Just because you're attracted to your T doesn't mean your gay. You say you could be attracted to females, have you ever been attracted to a female before? You have been attracted to guys. It's doesn't neccesarily mean that you're gay.

I have read some things on erotic transference and having erotic feelings for your T doesn't always mean that you want to have sex or something with them. I can't remember where I've read it. But erotic attraction to a T can often be that you miss something else, you missed something in you're childhood or something. Not always, but often. At least that what I've read on erotic transference.

It's best to talk to you're T about these feelings. I know it's hard. I've told my pdoc that I have romantic feelings for him. We didn't talk much about it. I think he could see that it was hard enough to just tell him that and that I probably wouldn't say much more about it. Or he didn't want to know more. I don't know if he thinks that romantic feelings also means that I have also erotic feelings for him.
But it seems that this is on your mind a lot and not talking about it probably won't help you. She can help you try to find out why you have these feelings.
If you're afraid that she won't accept this because she's a christian, maybe you can first ask her how she thinks about gays? Not all christians are against gays and she's a T. I'm not sure how it works in your country but here a T shouldn't express their thoughts about religion, sexuality and such.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

I think unconsciously I've been testing my therapist, trying to see how much $h!t I can drop before she will get sick of me, be disgusted with me, and drop me. It's almost like I'm daring her to abandon me too, proving that I am hopeless, just like my mom always seemed to think I was. I guess i should include this in my letter that is getting longer and longer every day.

Testing is a common thing in therapy. We want to see if they really mean they aren't going to reject us. It's the same things that kids and teens do to their parents (and the reason that kids often behave the worst around their parents and then are fine, say, at school).

I know I definitely have done some testing of my marriage counselor, for whom I have some paternal but also some erotic transference. He's said, like your T, that he wasn't going to reject me, that nothing I said or did would make him leave. I certainly tested with some of that, from sharing about the transference earlier this year, to a couple months later admitting that I loved him. And he hasn't gone anywhere (though there was a misunderstanding involving boundaries that made me worry that he was--that's all been resolved now). So your T probably wouldn't be surprised that you were testing her in some way (and it sounds like she's passed so far!)

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Chummy

Just because you're attracted to your T doesn't mean your gay. You say you could be attracted to females, have you ever been attracted to a female before? You have been attracted to guys. It's doesn't neccesarily mean that you're gay.

I have read some things on erotic transference and having erotic feelings for your T doesn't always mean that you want to have sex or something with them. I can't remember where I've read it. But erotic attraction to a T can often be that you miss something else, you missed something in you're childhood or something. Not always, but often. At least that what I've read on erotic transference. ...

I've read (also don't recall where) that sometimes we feel what we think is erotic transference, but really it's maternal (or paternal) transference. But those feelings are rooted in childhood stuff and can be more intense, so we experience it as sexual attraction, almost as our brain's way of protecting ourselves from that other, more intense stuff (though for you, it could be that the erotic transference is more difficult to deal with than maternal). With my marriage counselor, I thought initially that it was mostly erotic, but from talking to him about it (individually) a couple times, I came to realize that it was more a desire for comfort, security, and closeness, which could be a paternal thing. Like I might think "I want to make love to him," but it might not so much be about the physical/sexual aspect as about feeling an intense connection with someone. So it could be the same for you with your T.

[AuroraBorealis75]

Thanks for all the replies. Being able to talk about this with people who understand what I am going through is so helpful and makes me feel not quite so alone. My therapist is on holidays, and at first I didn't want these 2 weeks away from her, but now I am very anxious about my next session. The morning of the same day as my next session I have to go to a staff meeting at the preschool where I will be doing my practicum, and I am afraid I am going to be so anxious that day.

[WrkNPrgress]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

I'm afraid that my therapist will think I am being melodramatic or manipulative when I read my letter to her because every time I have to tell her about something really hard to talk about I get really anxious and quiet and sometimes I start shaking. I'm afraid she will think I'm putting on a show of being scared so that that she will feel sorry for me and not tell me what she really thinks of me.

You are telling yourself that she won't believe you, or that expressing yourself will be viewed as wrong somehow.

This sounds to me like you have a hard time trusting yourself, your own feelings and the expression of your own feelings. Your feelings are not wrong and you're not being manipulative to express them. That's why you're in therapy! Have at it! It's your time and your space. Allow yourself that.

You have a right to your own feelings and you have a right to have them heard.

[AuroraBorealis75]

I also don't trust other people, because so many people I have thought I could trust ended up breaking that trust. I have also had people tell me they think I am trying to manipulate them.

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

You are telling yourself that she won't believe you, or that expressing yourself will be viewed as wrong somehow.

This sounds to me like you have a hard time trusting yourself, your own feelings and the expression of your own feelings. Your feelings are not wrong and you're not being manipulative to express them. That's why you're in therapy! Have at it! It's your time and your space. Allow yourself that.

You have a right to your own feelings and you have a right to have them heard.

[Bipolar Warrior]

I'm sure she won't think that you're trying to manipulate her. If you end up telling her, she'll be aware that you didn't have to do that, and that you are being honest by doing so. That's not being manipulative, that's being real.

[I'mNotDonneYet]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I've read (also don't recall where) that sometimes we feel what we think is erotic transference, but really it's maternal (or paternal) transference. But those feelings are rooted in childhood stuff and can be more intense, so we experience it as sexual attraction, almost as our brain's way of protecting ourselves from that other, more intense stuff (though for you, it could be that the erotic transference is more difficult to deal with than maternal). With my marriage counselor, I thought initially that it was mostly erotic, but from talking to him about it (individually) a couple times, I came to realize that it was more a desire for comfort, security, and closeness, which could be a paternal thing. Like I might think "I want to make love to him," but it might not so much be about the physical/sexual aspect as about feeling an intense connection with someone. So it could be the same for you with your T.

Lonesome, are you able to elaborate on this? I have wondered from time to time if what I am experiencing for T is not romantic/erotic transference but instead paternal. But the feeling of being esteemed, being honoured (T is very frank in saying how he honours me for the work I do with him), being respected, being trusted (which I have felt as well when, for example, I have projected onto bosses in the past), are all on such an egalitarian level, that it just does not have any flavour of the "paternal" about it - I can't imagine getting that from a father (or from my father in particular). T and I are peers, are colleagues, and are (on one level - not unusual in small towns) friends. So that's why I have a hard time seeing it as paternal, but I certainly get your comment that for you it was about "comfort, security and closeness." There's that there for me too, wanting that as well! Thoughts anyone?

[Daystrom]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

I have one more week until I next see my therapist, and in another thread I posted a letter that I was planning to read to my therapist about my transference and how it's starting to feel like a romantic attraction. But now I am starting to chicken out. Is it really necessary to tell her the extent of my feelings for her? I'm just so scared that she will look at me differently, and treat me differently, if I do tell her. I don't want to risk her rejection.

I'm afraid of the same thing, which is why I can never tell my T how I feel about her. The idea of "working through these feelings" or some other B.S. like that is complete nonsense. There is no such thing. Feelings are what they are, and being shot down is being shot down. I wouldn't be able to continue therapy with this out in the open and am not willing to listen to a single word of any attempt she would make to analyze it. She would without question look at me and think about me differently.

I do feel like it's becoming an elephant in the room, though, and that I'll have to be honest with her sooner or later. But I can only do so in tandem with terminating our sessions.

[Daystrom]

Aurora, it occurs to me that this may be my own bitterness talking and that you shouldn't take it to heart as regards your situation. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with this, I just hope yours is easier than mine.

[iheartjacques]

I didn't tell mine. And the worst of it is over, thankfully. Probably because I'm mad at him for pushing my buttons and probably because I'm more consumed by past stuff that's coming up and out. So I'm doing a lot of work rather than thinking about him.
but is it really so bad to pretend I'm in his arms in a safe place when I'm trying to get to sleep sometimes?

[AuroraBorealis75]

I finally told her pretty much everything, even about my feelings of romantic attraction to her, and she responded really well. It is such a huge relief. She said she had a feeling that's what was coming after she read the letter I gave her, and she's not judging me. And she is willing to talk more about my sexual orientation and help me figure that out too. She knows how scary it is for me because of my family's religious beliefs.