Does my therapist has a crush on me?

I have been seeing an older therapist for quite some time now. Over the period of our time together i feel she has a crush on me. I understand their is a thing called transference, which is why even when i like her i have never told her. I never want to look a fool if all of this is just in my head, however i have reasons for my suspicions.

Many of the things she has said confuse me. She has called me good looking multiple times. She has sent me kisses in texts and told me a lot about her personal life. All of which i am confused about. I never knew therapists were meant to tell you so much about themselves and to be flirty with me. She has sent me winky faces and x's within texts and called me good looking many times face to face. She gave me presents such as chocolate for christmas, easter, birthdays ect. She also places her hand on my back or shoulder when im about to leave the session before i open the office door. I am not very used to human interaction so i am also unsure on what many of this means. I am also unsure if any of this is professional.

Is this normal for a therapist?

Hi PerpetualPain! Welcome to PC! Interesting situation. Many t's have loose boundaries, but, it seems like your t's boundaries are too loose. Self-disclosure should only ever be offered if the information relates to, and is helpful to the client. If your t is giving up unrelatable, irrelevant info about herself to you a lot, that is a red flag.

As for the touch, it is always advisable for a t to ask the client for permission to touch them before doing so. So if your t did not ask for permission to touch, that is a red flag as well.

As for the good looking comments, kisses and winks in texts, and presents...it's hard to say whether or not all of that is within good boundaries (not enough info, nor am I familiar with customs in England). It could be a case of an older lady that is just the affectionate, lovey-dovey type. Maybe not. Regardless, if you don't like it, you need to advise her to stop at once.

Given you feel she has a crush on you, is flirty with you, and say you have reasons for your suspicions, I would venture to take a good guess that your t is behaving highly inappropriately with you, and that this is not normal for a therapist. Always trust your instincts. I hope you can find a way to bring up this topic to your t as it should definitely be discussed. Stay safe!

These actions, as described, are very inappropriate.

Gifts, unwarranted personal disclosures, touch, and any kind of 'flirting', ALL OF THIS is textbook boundary-breaking rules. She may not be flirting but this is messy, sloppy actions on her part .

She's not doing her job. You are not getting proper care. Period.

You should seek a different therapist and I would consider reporting you T.

requesting that this be moved to the Romantic Feelings ... subforum

Hi guys!

I did not mean to make my therapist sound bad or make out I was unhappy with her. I actually love seeing her and find speaking to her the best 40 minutes of my week. I am just only wondering if the way she treats me was normal as I've been thinking about it for a long time and find our relationship strange. Not a negative kind of strange, but still strange. I always wonder if she has fallen in love with me, but just does not say it out of fear of losing her job or scaring me away.

I would never report her no matter what she did as i respect the fact even therapists have emotions and feelings. We are all human after all. I also like her too much to upset her. Although these things she does may seem unethical i am still recovering my mental health problems thanks to her support. It is not interfering with my recovery or hurting anyone so i see no reason to report it.

Who knows I could also be wrong and she could just turn out to be the "lovey dovey" type therapist. This has been the main reason I've never mentioned it to her before and also why I've never attempted to act on my feelings towards her out of fear it's all in my head. I just feel as though if a therapist liked me and did not want to lose their job they'd let me know in subtle ways so that i can act first. I see the x's & winky faces in the texts, the complimenting my looks and the fact she asked me if i was dating anyone all signs she may be interested in me. I may be however suffering transference which is the most frustrating part of this whole ordeal.

None of what you've described is professional. She behaves inappropriately, and if you are really interested in fulfilling the purpose of therapy, find a new therapist.

No, it's not normal in the professional situation.

It doesn't matter what you do with this. Whatever you do or don't do doesn't change the fact that she is being unprofessional with you.

No need to make a case for why you shouldn't report her. No one is suggesting to report her. I don't care if you report her or not. Your original question was if her behavior was normal, and I am just answering your question - no, it's not normal a.k.a not professional in the professional relationship.

I am not sure what it means to be the "lovey-dovey" therapist. What I do know is that your t is behaving unprofessionally.

Whether you have transference or not is irrelevant because you have reported facts. You didn't make up her compliments of your looks, kisses and winks in her texts and physical touches after each sessions. Those are real facts, not transference.

If you like her and want to continue to see her, that's fine, it's your choice. Just be honest with yourself and keep seeing her fully knowing that she is acting unprofessionally. As long as you are honest with yourself you can do what you want. I stayed with some Ts who behaved unprofessionally being fully aware of what they were doing simply because under my particular circumstances it seemed like a better option among other options I had.

Alright thanks guys from the responses here. I've never had a therapist before, until now however have always thought something wasn't quite right. Even with no prior experiences with other therapists I knew that maybe what she was doing was crossing the boundaries of being a therapist.

I am still unsure if she is just trying to be friendly and show she cares or has a crush on me however. I have seen her pulling her finger out and into her hand as if to do the sex hand sign before. She did it about 5 times in a row whilst we were talking. This was going on whilst she was looking at me. I saw it but carried on speaking, looked at the floor and ignored it because i am extremely scared encase I am mentally imagining this all up. I have not got any mental health problems that make me see things, however after telling my friend what was going on she told me that maybe i am imagining this all up because i want it to happen and that the therapist may just be normal and it's all in my head. I am pretty sure in what i saw, however i am so shy even when this was going on I said nothing out of fear of making an idiot out of myself. Their was always the chance that just maybe she was doing something else and because i like her I instantly thought it was that, when actually it was something else. But when i actually ask myself where that hand gesture fits into our conversation at the time I become highly confused because tbh it just does not fit in.

She is violating the professional standards. You can google......what is a good/bad therapist,etc. She could lose her license if rerported.

If you are interested in working with this therapist, perhaps it would be good to talk to her about your observations and concerns. Tell her that you find these behaviors somewhat strange and ask why she is doing them. Perhaps the way she responds would reveal more about her underlying motives, i.e. whether she gets uncomfortable/defensive, wants to change subject, or can provide clear and relaxed explanations. If I were in this situation, I would be curious enough to raise these things before cutting her loose or anything else.

Hi again. After I asked her for an explanation to why she told me I was good looking she told me she felt it would help my self esteem. I asked her why she got me gifts and she told me that she thought it would be easier for me to open up to her if she showed she was there for me. She then asked me why I was asking these questions and I explained everything back to her. She told me although she is fond of me she does not have a crush on me. It turns out I remind her of her son who died in the army and that is why she is nice to me. She looked extremely sorry and told me that if i am uncomfortable I can see another therapist. I cant believe how wrong i was about the crush thing.

Overall I feel pretty bad and think that I will go ahead in seeing another therapist. Things feel awkward now that i made them that way. I feel so foolish to think someone actually would have had a crush on me. I Feel depressed now that the only person i thought liked me does not actually like me. On the bright side I guess the new therapist will be a lot less confusing and can focus on my actual problems rather than discussing unrelated things. I also think I'll get a male one next time to prevent this sort of confusion. Just shows we're all human, seems both me and my therapist made mistakes.

I believe, you have every right to switch therapists & I also think, your reasons are legit. I just want to bring up a contrarian POV for the sake of thought. A therapeutic relationship that has no rift or rupture, is not as strong as the one where there is a rupture/issue/awkwardness that has healed. The relationship scar tissue can make for a stronger bond. I do think the therapist made some mistakes & really, I don't think you did, at all. Just bc they reminded you of their son does not mean they don't care for you & your personality. To me, & yes I don't know you, I just have your posts but you seem like a kind, empathetic, certainly good person that deserves love as much as anyone else. Don't let this wipe out your self esteem. They messed up, not you. Absolutely, find a new one. Then again, you liked the relationship up to this point & I really believe it could better your therapeutic relationship & make it stronger. Therapists are professionals, yes, but they are human being obviously too, who are learning just like the rest of us. Betcha they never make this mistake again. I'm sorry it had to be with you. I have a feeling, your therapist cares deeply about you but her own trauma of her son blinded the alliance. Whatever you decide, I think you're making the right choice. Just..weigh everything.

I vote for unprofessional.. and weird. I'd be weirded out if a therapist did this to me

If you asked her about herself and she answered that may be ok, but if you didnt ask her and she just started discussing her personal life, definitely red flag.

I think you're being too hard on yourself -- her actions were very misleading and I probably would have had the same misperception that she was flirting with me.

Also she doesn't dislike you ... she just isn't trying to pursue a sexual relationship with you (nor should she be).

You did nothing wrong . It doesn't matter why she was doing what she was doing. It was still unprofessional. The fact that you reminded her of her son doesn't give her permission to be unprofessional with you. Plain and simple as that.

You did nothing wrong. You were the victim of bad professional practice. Any experienced, trained and licensed professional therapist should know not to give gifts and to keep the physical touch to a minimum and only approach at the request of the client.

Was she even a licensed therapist? Does she have supervision? I'm asking because everything you described her illustrates a therapist who has not read the ethics manual, or just chooses to ignore it. I'm surprise she even has a license. This Therapist seems completely untrained to monitor her own counter-transference or understand the impact of her own behavior.

SO yes, find a new one. Make sure they have extensive training. That they know what counter-transference is and knows how to handle it.

I wish my therapist would put her hand on my back when I left our session. Forming a trusting, intimate relationship with someone who doesn't shake your hand or give you a hug seems unnatural to me. I've left her office several times in tears and all I get is, are you OK. See you next week.