[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Actually, my original post was a mistake. I'm onto something else now. I'll probably forget that in a few minutes or hours.

Yet the title still stands.

I have no stability right now. I jump from one internal crisis to another an an unprecedented rate. Memories rip me apart, ideas and fears and suspicions keep me nailed down. I trust nothing, I'm afraid to do anything. I'd love nothing more than for someone to pump me full of drugs and set me on a course of life, because the only other way to peace is to die, and I'm scared to die right now. I have no peace. I don't know if I could ever find it.

I write so much because my mind is overflowing and I can't take it. It's not even productive, it's all hate and fear and envy and rage.

Help?

[avlady]

i am sorry you feel so bad, i often feel the same. i sometimes wish i could find anything to take the pain of living everyday away. i am always in emotional pain and i don't even know what caused it. it seems like i just woke up in pain about 30 years ago after a life changing event where the pain never left. i don't want to die either, i just want the pain to go away.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Thanks avlady. I'm not sure what made me so vulnerable either, but everything sets me off and I'm just a mess of impulses.

Let's see: in the last few days I've stressed over failure, money problems, and guilt over my past. In the last 2 hours I've gone from worrying about meaninglessness and that I'm a shallow idiot doing life wrong to depression over sexism (being inferior because I'm female). Yet these have all be interrupted with plans for studying and self-improvement, or temporary greed for knowledge. I'm actually spent by now and just want to block out everything. And now I feel guilty about freaking out, having no self control, and wasting everyone's time.

I had a thought this morning, wondering if there's something in my brain affecting my cognition and emotional regulation. Like if I brain damaged myself. I don't know. But it's getting unbearable and therapy isn't an option right now. Like I said though, I would gladly be drugged to the gills if it meant not being in this kind of pain.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I've just had a horrific realization, probably the kind I've been unconsciously waiting for.

I'm an abuser. An evil, narcissistic, abusive ***** who does nothing but hurt others, without even trying.

And this new life I lead is my punishment. I'm destitute, and my mental issues I left home to heal are instead getting worse. The only thing that improved is my temper. Other than that I'm drowning in sadness and anxiety. I don't deserve to get better. I don't deserve to be self-sufficient. I don't deserve to be happy or fulfilled. I have no right to feel bad about anything, ever. Not with all the pain I've caused.

But of course everyone want to be happy, and knowing now that I don't even deserve it if I could get it is killing me to think about. I don't even know what to do with myself now. Prison, maybe? I doubt I'd get life though.

As long as I'm admitting hideous things about myself, I'd addicted to self-pity. I just spent 10 minutes in tears over my guilt and my fate. And I can't shrug off the pain there either. The whole time I was being abusive I thought I was the one in pain - even the one being abused! I'm sick and I don't think I'll ever be able to atone for being such an awful person so early in life, and to my own parent. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

It's probably for the best that I posted this in the spiritual forum, because I think I need salvation...

[Takeshi]

You have a lot on your mind, and you let those out, and I think that's a good thing. I think about it, I mean the spirituality of my own, I got nothing, nothing I've studied or practiced to claim it as my own yet, I'm just surviving. I caught up on reading some of your recent posts yesterday, who are the geniuses that got your obsession accelerated? I guess I'll find that out later. People praise you not only for your writing skills, but for those interesting topics you bring about, that's what I see anyways.

Food, a roof over your head, sleep patterns, the basics of your life, are they alright? I forgot what it's called, it was something like food stamps, you asked, "Can you do that? Can I sell it?". Every opportunities are life lessons that you can take the good out of, in my early twenties, I wasn't living hard like you've been doing right now. You can type away those subtle nuances of your inner workings, so, this can go head to head with your/other's typing speed, you know what I'm getting at, right? You matter more than anyone else's rules of thumbs, you might not get your head wrap around this, but I tell it any ways. Sometimes everything can come out of nothing, your reality, it's this vast plain that you fill with your colors, by the way, have you tried to stay away from computers lately? I'd suggest to break it but that'd be a huge waste, maybe you can tape it shut and y'know, you go on travelling through the true spiritual realm that awaits inside of you.

I guess I should stop myself here, you can PM me if you like, you just sound so stuck in life, in short of throwing your *** to jail or worse, I'd like to support you in any I can. In return, I'll be reading your Masturbation thread! to see what you've found out. I'm no hard core p0rn addict, plus I like to see things through your brain.

That's it, hope you're having an enough rest to fight another day. bye.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I have considered getting away from the internet, or at least social sites for a while, but I don't last long. I get restless and bored.

If anyone else is willing to read, I wanted to elaborate on last night's revelation and my worries. Specifically, I'm worried that I committed parental abuse - emotional and financial - while I lived at home post-dropout. I lived for free and stole money. I had terrifying outbursts (that my mother outright said made her feel unsafe. To be for they scared me too), and had almost zero sense of boundaries (my mom's favorite mode of punishment is confiscation/deprivation. Since childhood, though, I always had a habit of just going into my mom's room and taking back the item, even if it had been hidden. This continued into young adulthood and several times my mom woke up to me creeping into her room to retrieve my laptop. And yet I felt horribly intruded when she bursts into my room to talk 20 times a day, or now when she would fill my voicemail inbox? I don't deserve boundaries. I never did. I never will. Yet I crave distance and separation and can't function without it). Oh, and this was someone who brought me home to heal me. I should be in prison. I at least deserve a horrible life, just like my mother said I do. Now I'm a burden on the system. My "issues" I always used as an excuse don't matter, since they've only gotten worse.

The one person I've wanted to separate from for years instead is the one person indirectly dictating my entire fate.

[Gus1234U]

substituting self abuse for the abuse of others is not a solution to feeling abused. the real trick is to stop abusing. stop being abusive to self, and others. there is a nice little recipe for change that i enjoy, it goes like this:

1) decide what needs to change;
2) decide what to change it to;
3) change as much as you can whenever you can;
4) praise yourself for every successful effort to change.

this will get you to a place that is not 'here/now'.
it requires awareness, persistance, and a certain amount of creativity.

best wishes~

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by Gus1234U

substituting self abuse for the abuse of others is not a solution to feeling abused. the real trick is to stop abusing. stop being abusive to self, and others. there is a nice little recipe for change that i enjoy, it goes like this:

1) decide what needs to change;
2) decide what to change it to;
3) change as much as you can whenever you can;
4) praise yourself for every successful effort to change.

this will get you to a place that is not 'here/now'.
it requires awareness, persistance, and a certain amount of creativity.

best wishes~

Thanks.

I'm already separated from the person I hurt, and I know I need to pay back what I actually stole (we discussed it).

The problem is my own conscience, and making up for just being a terrible person. I can't stop feeling like I should be punished somehow.

[Takeshi]

Hi, again, since you shared some more personal informations, I'd like to respond to that. I might not be following everything precisely, but I'll try my best to provide some ideas to think on.

So the guilty feelings of yours and the money you stole, or the abuse you put upon someone. If you think you've done everything you can to remedy that by now, wouldn't you be feeling a little less guilty? The last of your post mention the pay back plan, I myself kinda owe some to my parents, I'm just ignoring it, they haven't been bugging me on that. You can't pay, what you can't pay at the moment, you have your own life to take care first like paying rent and for food. Plus the fact that you're asking for help here in this spiritual support forum, I get the feeling that you're still searching answers everywhere, I'd say you have plenty of time to work through the spiritual side in your future, if you already have a strong religious background, then you can be more specific, in that way, you'll get more direct human contact, I'm guessing that would be more helpful in your situation.

Taking back control and realize that your fate is in your hand.

I think that the control part is largely resides in your mind, instead of searching for wide array of informations that you think might help, are you trying to narrow things down as well? You can dissect many things into pieces and study all of them, it just gets more complicated, this doesn't mean you get the helpful understanding of the whole by this way. Anyone can see you're trying hard to take the next step, some truth, in my case, I make my own truth, I force it out of what I see for a particular situation/difficulties.

I don't wanna say this but anything and anyone could fail you if you don't believe what you see or what you're doing. You open up pretty well online as far as I can tell, 'that you too right? Who posts so many on another site? I kinda googled your username, maybe I'm mistaken. I see you as a full of great possibilities, it's starting to flourish at a such young age. The world is not fair to you, or anyone else anyways, some would think you've been doing ton of work that will help you step up, stand up for yourself already.

I have considered getting away from the internet, or at least social sites for a while, but I don't last long. I get restless and bored.

Well, let's go with boredom first. It's been a long while since I had that. Just like depression, I don't think I dealt with that while it was affecting my life, in my youth. It is a bad place for anyone I suppose, why can I be that enthusiastic, passionate and like creative kids like others? How are others doing in their lives, I don't see them anywhere 'cos I have no friends. These were like my youth I guess. Social sites, I have no idea what's going on there, I saw the movie though. The internet/Your computer. The information gathering/exchanging tool. You as a user of the machine has the control to get the best use of it, so a little time out and the failure of not being able to stay away aren't that important. I myself want to improve upon what I get out of this and in this day and age, I need to work more to use this as a greatest tool around that bestowed upon me by some genius out there, before I start using my laptop, I can think on it if I wanted to like who is the dell founder? How could he/she have managed to make the company so big, just remember, older generation survived just fine without computers, we humans are always the ones that drives the technologies.

I guess I should stop my nonsense now. Restlessness. Do I get that? I wonder. I got off at this busy train station the other day, as soon as I stepped off, I paused my stride there. For quite long time till the course was clear, observing. I do this all the time, like when I almost bump into someone, I just stop and let the other person decide which way they go. I stand my own ground, that simple. Things expand and contract. I just like to see things from many angles, two usually does it. What's left is up to me to decide.

(I don't wanna post anything irresponsible but I believe you can take my poor writing just fine. Do you sleep okay? It affects your cognition or so I learned yesterday through some website! Oh, that gets me some sleep tonight! )

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Takeshi,

Something I've thought about repeatedly: I started really tanking emotionally around the same time is started frequenting online forums. It was the first and only substantial social life I've ever had, but it was also a den of constant comparison. From the beginning I was in there with an inferiority complex, asking how to "fix myself", which lately has morphed into posting messed up inferiority/superiority stuff as fact. Early on, around 2013, it was like I was home, I had a life that was MINE, asort-of social circle. But I also became quickly paranoid that didn't actually belong there - and my label had quickly become the source of my self-esteem. So when it finally became clear that I was in with the wrong group (about 8 months ago)... I broke.

I was an internet addict after getting involved. A few days without access gave me withdrawal (still does, actually). Every day, almost as soon as I woke up I would go to check my notifications. You saw how many posts I have: about 50% of them are emotional vomit.

My point is I wonder if it's true that the internet is the reason I'm depressed and emotionally unstable. That thought disturbs me; I don't want to have to abstain from the internet forever. Then again, I had depressive symptoms as young as 9 or 10; I contemplated suicide for the first time at age 11. So maybe throwing myself in to an environment that frequently left me a mess of self-hate was a bad idea.

(It wasn't always bad, though - at times I took a sort of pride by association. I briefly had stints of confidence where I felt like a boss...that faded when I compared myself to other posters).

I'm taking way too long to say I worry the internet made me depressed/crazy. More likely it just amplified it and gave it a voice (the best part really - I barely say anything IRL but post paragraphs online. In some ways I think it actually improved my communication).

[DisorganisedMind]

Can't help. Can only empathise.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

As long as this thread is still my emotional dumping ground...

Anyone know if it's possible to learn/train empathy?

[(JD)]

It is quite possible that "the internet" is causing you issues. A study has been released about ADHD and social media and how to "cure" it....

One thing that is evident is that social media (especially combined texting, tweeting, forum chatting etc) has reduced the user's ability to concentrate upon anything for any real length of time... thus the flitting about and inability to study, enjoy a good book, movie etc....

Try to wean off some of it... I think relearning how to engage one's self in real life is a skill worth working at...yes? (It could be if you are young that you were never taught how to live without technology "baby sitting" you?)

It isn't your fault..but you can make your life better I think.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Found this:

as a youngster living at home i was severely emotionally abused
once i moved out on my own it no longer affected me
he is a adult, it's time for him to grow up

Reading things like this always get to me - other can just get over pain and never have a problem again, while I feel flat out broken. And I don't think there's any way to fix me. How the hell am I supposed to "grow up" like this person suggested for an actual abuse victim? I don't know what that even means...

I guess if you're naturally good at compartmentalizing, or you knew the things said as abuse weren't true, you could disregard it. I don't have that luxury though.

I think it's time to give up. If I'm just a weak useless failure of a human being, why even bother. Especially if it turns out I'm mentally ill from not even being abused.

I will likely have forgotten all these sentiments in a few hours.