[seeker33]

I'm copying the question from my group as I only received one answer there.

Why when I tried meditation and chakra work I began feeling demons at night? My mental state deteoriated quickly and I got very nervous and depressed, I got suicidal for no apparent reason. This was at the time when I was happiest in my life, there was absolutely no external reason to develop such issues.

I've become totally scared of meditation and even seeing "motivational and positive" quotes and pictures makes me anxious and triggered. Reading them is some kind of strange self harm ritual.

I don't understand why meditation was so harmful to me. Maybe it was because of my suppressed CPTSD and trauma? Or is it truly demonic? I do believe in demons.

Maybe I'll try it some day but right now I'm too scared. Meditation seems too dangerous, especially when talking about chakras is involved.

Everyone says how meditation is cool, even my therapist recommended it a couple of times. It's supposed to be healthy and helpful and someone with anxiety like me should practise it. But to me, even "safe place" meditation seems too scary. To me it feels I'm giving up all control and opening myself to weird unknown influences who might possess me.

Right now I'm only interested in hearing various experiences and tips about this issue, not sure if I actually want to practise this. Just looking for theoretical info at the moment.

[healingme4me]

I'll be perfectly honest...I've heard the word chakra many times over but have absolutely no clue about them.

Meditation for me has usually been about relaxing my mind from stress, anxiety and worry. Just kind of sitting with myself and my thoughts for a while.

My dad got into this new age stuff around the time of my parents divorce, I was around 10 or 11. He got into Numerology and Pyramids and Chrystals and all that jazz. His friend, she was into Wiccan culture. She did this reading on me and came back with stay clear of occultish stuff. I took her at her word.

If anything what about how meditation is in Asia? Or just go light with the relaxation techniques, on second thought.

[SparkySmart]

^^^^I agree with Healingmeforme. Funny, too, because I drafted a very similar post earlier today and then thought better of it, afraid it might sound...IDK, paranoid or something. Meditation to clear your head, focus your attention, mindfulness-type stuff...that's cool. Once you start adding a spiritual dimension, I think it's creepy. You're already sensing that you should back off, so you have your answer.

[seeker33]

Thank you both. Yes, I won't do it. I tried doing even the harmless guided meditation from yt videos. No spirituality there, I was careful. Just breathing or safe place kind of thing. I waited about 7-8 years between my spiritual and then "psychologically safe" meditation (what I mean I did chakras at the age of 18 and then "safe" meditation a couple of times at 25-29). Even after safe ones, I felt OK during the meditation but I got bad afterwards, I was irritated, I argued with people and generally didn't feel well.
I was wondering why this is, if there's some kind of problem with me or what the explanation might be.

[WishfulThinker66]

Interesting. I meditate on my chakras sometimes to calm myself and actually let stresses temporarily go. You mention you already have a belief in demons. Could it be possible that what is happening is that by meditating you are letting go of your defences? Could you be reaching such a relaxed state that your hidden worries are coming to the surface?

[seeker33]

Maybe it's possible, I don't know. I felt presence of evil spirits in my room at night, sometimes it almost felt they held my hand, or like someone sat on my bed or tapped on my blanket. I also dreamed about "Evil" who looked like an ordinary person (no one I recognised from my real life).

I don't suffer from delusions or hallucinations. I do have trauma but I'm not diagnosed with any psychosis, no medication and I'm not paranoid or hypervigillant in my real life.

This is only connected to meditation and began when I started reading about chakras and got attuned into Reiki. Since then I developed a great anxiety about this kind of thing. And I just don't understand what's wrong with me because I'm supposed to benefit from this. I always get triggered almost like a mild flashback whenever I see a picture of aura or chakras or "universe" mentioned in a spiritual way... I get seriously scared.

Just to add, I wasn't brought up in a Christian family or environment. Fear of new age wasn't something I heard before these scary things happened to me. So it wasn't anything I was expecting or subconsciously afraid of when I began the practice.

[seeker33]

But the funny thing is I've been very philosophical since my earliest childhood, I saw auras as a child and still sense people's energies. I had strange parapsychogical experiences and visions that came true... So a kind of mysticism is very natural to me and I have a strong need for spirituality yet I find it scary.
I also have other experiences which would be censored here but which don't make it easier for me.

[seeker33]

I don't even know why am I writing here... Sorry...

[*Laurie*]

I've been practicing meditation for 37 years. My suggestion to you is that you learn how to practice Buddhist meditation. Instead of focusing on your thoughts and becoming attached to them, just notice your thoughts as they arise and pass.
Reading a book or 2 on this technique would be very helpful.

[healingme4me]

If it's truly something you're aiming to try again, maybe a binding ritual to ward off what you fear the most? Then you might find yourself better able to accomplish your desire for mediation?

[seeker33]

Thank you both. I won't do this any time soon. I feel too vulnerable and unsafe meditating. And I'm absolutely scared of doing rituals (don't worry, I have nothing personal against witchcraft, in fact I quite like paganism and wicca. I did some reading on it in the past and went to Wiccan forum. So it's not judgemental, just seems very dangerous to me but I have no problem if others find it helpful) I just wanted to hear opinions about why this happened to me.

[healingme4me]

My knowledge of what I mentioned actually came from a specific religion prayer book not wicca.

Maybe this happens because it's really happening and somehow you've got some type of bad spiritual not of this universe entities harboring around you or there's some trauma harbored around you as a spinning rage that once relaxed you tap into or there's some possibly benign neurological factors at play?

[seeker33]

Oh I see. I get that now. Yes, that kind of prayer did help me in the past. (again, not allowed to write about it here :-( )

I think there truly are some demons involved as well as trauma. I went through a LOT... From civil war in my childhood, another bombing of my country when I was 12 although I was at the safe place at the time, alcoholic father, bullying, emotional abandonment, health issues... It was all buried inside. I'm also an empath and at the time I discovered things about animal cruelty and factory farming. It seemed that I felt the pain of whole planet, both people and nature. I couldn't stand that. I absolutely broke down and couldn't stop crying.

[healingme4me]

[wolfgaze]

Stilling/quieting your physical mind activity absolutely could have the effect of causing suppressed and even subconscious mental and emotional material to surface and rise to the forefront of your conscious state (which is how it needs to be processed and released)... If this were to happen it can be confusing for the experiener - because all of these feelings and emotions are suddenly being experienced which do not have a logical 'source' is your present and everyday life circumstances...

I would also be mindful about fueling fear-based thought patterns (like being inclined to attribute challenging/uncomfortable experiences to 'demons')...

If your instincts tell you not to continue with the practices you were doing just recently - consider taking long walks outside, preferably in a more natural setting/environment... The exercise and repetitive bilaterial walking motion is supposed to be great for healthy mental/emotional processing - and being out in nature is very grounding and facilitates a temporary disidentification with the repetitive activity of the physical mind...

[seeker33]

Thank you for a helpful reply, Wolfgaze :-)

[whimsicalman]

Maybe you can try a version of meditation that, rather than trying to clear your mind or relax yourself, you focus on a specific thought, word, phrase, affirmation, whatever. Let it be something that means something to you and that you feel is applicable and appropriate for you and your present situation. You could treat it like a mantra that you just repeat or read over and over. Or that you just sit and ponder it and let your mind just focus on what it sounds like, feels like to you, means to you, etc. Some traditions might call it a mantra, or breath prayer, or __ meditation, but the concept is the same.

So, for example, I choose to meditate on the word love. I might just sit in stillness and let the word repeat in my mind over and over, or I might whisper it to myself over and over, letting my mind focus on it, and not trying to control what comes to it. Eventually I might just have a lot of images of people I love, or things I love, or what I hope for about love, or thoughts about loving myself . . . And anytime my mind wanders to something unrelated, I bring myself back to focus on the word itself until my mind is back on track pondering and thinking on the concept or related imagery or memories or whatever.

[stahrgeyzer]

Science has proven meditation is good for you. Although if someone fears meditation then there's a chance their subconscious will create a very bad experience. Fear is powerful, especially deep seated inner fear.

[seeker33]

Originally Posted by whimsicalman

Maybe you can try a version of meditation that, rather than trying to clear your mind or relax yourself, you focus on a specific thought, word, phrase, affirmation, whatever. Let it be something that means something to you and that you feel is applicable and appropriate for you and your present situation. You could treat it like a mantra that you just repeat or read over and over. Or that you just sit and ponder it and let your mind just focus on what it sounds like, feels like to you, means to you, etc. Some traditions might call it a mantra, or breath prayer, or __ meditation, but the concept is the same.

So, for example, I choose to meditate on the word love. I might just sit in stillness and let the word repeat in my mind over and over, or I might whisper it to myself over and over, letting my mind focus on it, and not trying to control what comes to it. Eventually I might just have a lot of images of people I love, or things I love, or what I hope for about love, or thoughts about loving myself . . . And anytime my mind wanders to something unrelated, I bring myself back to focus on the word itself until my mind is back on track pondering and thinking on the concept or related imagery or memories or whatever.

Thanks for your reply. Yes, a certain repetitive prayer (I guess it's forbidden to mention it here) sometimes makes me calmer. That's one of the very few things in spirituality that doesn't make me anxious. Maybe I should do it regularly.

[seeker33]

Today I tried 5 minutes of mindfulness with focusing on my breath and looking out of the window (I have a view on mountains) and it was OK and relaxing. However just an hour later something relatively minor happened and I almost began crying and was very upset. It happens almost always - the meditation /relaxation is fine (unless I feel demons) but as soon as I return to reality I get more anxious, irritated or depressed than before!
I wanted to be brave but now I really don't know....

[Carmina]

This sounds like what happens to me when I try to meditate and also in yoga. I was trying to explain it recently in my mindfulness class; I think people with CPTSD need a different approach. The problem is when you are hyper vigilant, highly armoured and defended anything that relaxes you feels like your guard is down and defences lowered, which can either provoke an immediate shock like response (eg in yoga during deep relaxation I often startle when I suddenly hear a sound or just become aware I have let my guard down for a second), or sometimes when it's not as deep a response you might feel a bit better for a while but gradually you start to feel a sense of unease and vulnerability as you have lowered your defences or moved out of your comfort zone. I am gradually finding ways to carefully pace deep relaxation and meditation with breath work and use of objects and aromatics to anchor or ground myself but there's a long way to go and some poses and practices I just avoid at the moment.

So while I would agree that meditation and yoga are probably good for you in the long run, as is mindfulness and relaxation, those of us with CPTSD need to think carefully about how these approaches need adapting and pacing to get around these barriers.

[seeker33]

Yes, exactly! It feels like a shock. Imagine taking a hot bath or going to sauna (relaxation) and than being splashed with cold water (reality). It is much easier to get used to cold water and don't take hot bath at all.

[Deejay14]

There are different types of meditation, many having nothing to do with chakras. Maybe try a guided meditation.

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by Deejay14

There are different types of meditation, many having nothing to do with chakras. Maybe try a guided meditation.

This really has nothing to do with chakras anyway, this is about opening up/letting go which meditation encourages but which is hard for people with CPTSD because we need to feel protected and feel more vulnerable when open and relaxed. For me guided meditation is not helpful because I don't feel in control of it.

[seeker33]

That's very true but what's more I'm also an empath feeling energies strongly. I believe when I began working with chakras in addition to psychological opening I also opened psychically. That was simply too bad and caused problems. I never want to work with chakras or energies again. I believe they made my experience much worse.
Totally agree about guided meditation, don't feel in control. Often I don't like the images, it's too fast, too slow, extremely creepy music (there's few things I hate as much as "meditation music").
I feel the safest when I remain in contact with outside world and my body during relaxation. I need to be fully in control. I just have to learn how not to be shocked when I return to real life.