[newtus]

actually 3 questions.

first one is:

do all therapists really go before a board of their colleagues and discuss individuals they have sessions with, at least american ones?

second is:

im starting to question if i really have this disorder. i was dx'd at 15. its not that i suspect i dont. its that i dont even know. i dont know what to think. im severely confused.

third is:

if i go to a psychiatrist to check my Dx. can i refuse their meds? will they put me away if i do?
last time i saw psychiatrist was literally a year ago nearly this week. and they put as schizoaffective
but i fear its just cause i said my past standing Dx was schizoaffective.

[Gr3tta]

Originally Posted by newtus

actually 3 questions.

first one is:

do all therapists really go before a board of their colleagues and discuss individuals they have sessions with, at least american ones?
This is much more likely to happen in a hospital setting. Often, because the patient is there 24 hours, there are a team of people treating the patient. So it's necessary to make sure everyone is on the same page with treatment. In an outpatient setting, a formal meeting like this would be unusual. However, professionals do sometimes seek the advice of their colleagues in a more informal way.
second is:

im starting to question if i really have this disorder. i was dx'd at 15. its not that i suspect i dont. its that i dont even know. i dont know what to think. im severely confused.
It is possible that a diagnosis you were given at 15 is no longer correct. I think it's perfectly okay to question this. You have a right to understand your diagnosis, and you should ask your P-Doc or T any time you don't understand a part of your care.

third is:

if i go to a psychiatrist to check my Dx. can i refuse their meds? will they put me away if i do?
last time i saw psychiatrist was literally a year ago nearly this week. and they put as schizoaffective
but i fear its just cause i said my past standing Dx was schizoaffective.

The only reason you can be committed against your will is if the doctors can prove you are a danger to yourself and/or other people. Refusing medication alone is not normally enough to make this happen. Some P-Docs may require you to follow certain rules in order to keep seeing them, and taking meds can be a part of that. Since you haven't seen a P-Doc recently, you might start by looking for a T or a Psychologist who is not a Dr., and therefore not able to prescribe medication. They might still recommend it, but they might be more open to discussing other options, or at least start off treating you without meds.

[newtus]

im confused as all outdoors because i have symtoms of it.
and i think i have cognitive symptoms of it. no doubt negative. this is the first time ive looked past positive though. though i always thought the cognitive was adhd or add, but nooooo i cant get treated for that because itll worsen my schizoaffective?
im so confused i dont know what to think right now or anymore.
my father says he doesnt think i have it, but then he lists what i act like and i see its what it is. not to mention ive realized over the past few months with that therapist my dad doesnt see much of what i deal with wrong with me. hes very confusing to me i cant understand a word thats coming out of his mouth. i know hes not here right next to me right now but i can feel (and not only his) his spirit hovering over my shoulder. and i out of fear i dont want to think. i fear he knows and EVERYONE knows what im thinking. im scared to think and when i DO TRY AND STOP it turns into a physical anxiety thing because im mentally restraining myself from mental nakedness. i seriously fear that people can read my mind and im scared. im scared it literally shows or in my eyes the words and letters and its hard for to think thats a symptom because it feels REAL if it is a symptom at all.

i do hear voices everyday, but not all day, just half the day, randomly.
i admit my extreme paranoia but the people following me thing IS REAL. ive even contacted police and metroplex (city) news media and they wont listen to me. NO ONE DOES. ive left SOS letters EVERYWHERE IN THE CITY but i dont know what to think about that either, because i dont tell my dad ive contacted certain people and have done certain things to get to the bottom of this. I LITERALLY HAD people banging on my windows and doors saying "were gonna get you" "we know your in there" "we see you" over and over and over 5-6 people. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE BELIEVES ME. and im in FEAR. im afraid for my LIFE. you want to know the truth? i cry because of this. im scared for my life.

one time i viewed michael jacksons body on a leak site (supposedly) and i heard a scream outside my window. it was him. at that moment i also had the tv on mute with conrad murrays trial. michael jackson was telling me that conrad murray was guilty for his murder. he told me through his screaming and i thought i was the only person in the world who knew this information.

amongst other things with that like that and other things in general.

i can admit right now im a danger to myself and possibly someone else. i stopped my car on the highway thursday or friday and proceeded to get out and i was gonna walk the concrete medium like a balance beam and then proceed to run into the cars to get hit. but i just got back in and drove home.
i fear other people trying to kill me and i want/need to kill them first. IS THAT NOT LOGICAL? like i said i fear for my life so much. and the fact that no one believes me is putting me in the most fear ive ever felt. i feel stricken. when i told a mental health pro that they called me delusional. this fear isnt coming out of just the blue.

im scared. i fear this. im truly scared. i really hope someone reads this today.

[mgran]

Hi Newtus, I've read it. I can't think of any way to help you, but I do care. Please let me say though, that I'm certain you're going to be okay, that you don't have to be afraid. I just know it.

[newtus]

well my first and last question has been answered.

all that stands is my second. BUT do i go for help? im afraid they may try to persuade me its not real if it is real and then ill be hurt/killed. im a believer in torture. thing is, im in extreme distress. i know no one and it doesnt seem at all like my father can help me deeply, only really to get me somewhere.

i just dont know what to do, period. where to start, i dont know?
im extremely confused. because i feel in distress but then i dont want the curtain pulled over my eyes like it has been many times by most everyone, not just mental health pros.

i sense they are closing in on me. i can feel it in my body and see it around me. i cant explain it. well...i can. the earths gravitational pull, the skies, the flowers budding in the middle of nowhere where i stand signifying death.

i bought fast food yesterday and i found stuff in it. i knew they were trying to poison me so im only eating packaged food now. i feel in such distress because my dad doesnt believe me, I CANT GET THE POLICE OR NEWS MEDIA TO BELIEVE ME. so whos to help me? no one. its 1 against not just more than many a quarter of a million of people with LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of power. im battling alone. if i cant even get the police to help me..i dont know. not to mention the EMS/firefighters. they dont like me, i hear when im around them they are talking about me.

IN FACT when i was attending college in the spring of 2011 i had 2 of them standing on the library balcony facing and pointing at me. one would turn around look behind his shoulder than at the other guy. i walked down stairs because there was a glass between us minus them being on a balcony 20-30 feet away. i walked outside and to the other side of the building because its horseshoe shaped AND THEY FOLLOWED ME. THEY FOLLOWED ME. as if they had pretty much transported to that spot. how did they make it to that point that fast? then i went downstairs and they STILL FOLLOWED ME. i left school, i couldnt take it. i figured they were running me out of the school personally. they won..... im so alone.

that...school...they flunked me out because of grades but the underlying issue was because i stood up for my ethical rights and a teacher took revenge on my grades.
all of this and i cant say a damn thing to a police. because they think im crazy or dont believe me or something.

[newtus]

thanks anyway guys

[Rapunzel]

Hi Newtus. I just read this thread, and I don't know if I can help you much, but I would like you to know that I read it. So, your first and third questions are answered. Therapists are just people, and work a little bit like doctors do. Doctors when they are in training or new, or they see something that they aren't sure about or is not their area, etc., consult with other doctors so that they can know that they are doing the best thing to help people. That makes sense, right? It's the same with therapists. Therapists discuss their cases when they are learning, so that they can learn how to do therapy. It's part of school and the training process. After they have finished school, they are supervised for a couple of years, and they discuss things with their supervisor. After that, they might be part of a treatment team, or they might have a question about symptoms and how to work with someone the best way, and might consult with someone.

These days people don't just get 'put away.' Psychiatric hospitals are for people who are having dangerous symptoms or something that can't be treated elsewhere, and it is usually short term. People might stay in a hospital for a few days until they don't feel suicidal or until they aren't too scared to handle the outside world, or something like that. Usually it's just for a few days, until they are better.

Are you going to a therapist now? If you are, what does he or she say about your fears and your symptoms and your diagnosis? I'm concerned that some people seem to put too much importance on diagnosis. All that diagnosis really means is a word that describes a set of symptoms. Some symptoms might be persistent over a long time, but they also can change. What someone said you had when you were 15 isn't necessarily still true now. Therapy isn't really about treating a diagnosis. It is for helping you to feel better and be healthier, etc. You don't have to only work on symptoms of one diagnosis and leave out other symptoms that might suggest another diagnosis. Therapy can help you with all of them. Sometimes doctors have to be careful about which medications they give you, because they have to treat certain symptoms first, or maybe a medication could make some symptoms worse. But that doesn't mean that your other symptoms can't be treated. And medication isn't the only way to treat you either. There is also therapy, and therapy is to help all of you.

I am concerned about you because you are so scared. Also because of what you are thinking about doing because of being so scared. Can you see how some of those things could hurt you even more than what you are afraid of? Especially stopping your car on the highway and getting out, or trying to kill someone before they can kill you. What if they aren't really trying to kill you, or if you got the wrong people? How can you tell who it is?

It is important for you to talk to someone about those things. You might need medication to help you be safe and not be so scared - scared enough to do dangerous things. Remember that medication isn't the only treatment, though. You can talk about what you are afraid of, and if you think you have ADHD, how to deal with those symptoms.

We probably can't really answer your second question here, because you need to talk to a professional who knows you about that, but I do want you to know that you can get help for what you need help with now, and it isn't necessarily going to be like when you were 15. Things do change.

[newtus]

well im actually going back to the same one i stopped seeing 3 weeks ago. believe it or not. im too afraid of people and am not willing to get a new therapist because im too afraid of people.

i actually didnt give her a chance to tell me my diagnosis i asked her about my last one and demanded a yes or no answer to if i have it. she said "well you do have...." and i stopped her. i also demand she didnt put down anything severe for my insurance. so i dont really know what she thinks and i guess im too afraid to know. but im going back period because im starting school again and i dont know why i even signed up because i dont have any motivation to go and my concentration is severely severely lacking, not really just for school but life in general. ive been told my thoughts arent connected when i talk a lot and that i ramble A LOT and never get to the point. People get very pissed off at me for it and some people have left in mid sentence :/ writing slows things down i guess makes me reread my stuff. though thats not my main issue.

being paranoid in general is prob.

and yes my impulses are extremely bad. i guess i can say now about myself is that im pretty aggressive. i used to never be but for some reason that i seriously dont know ive been more and more aggressive and shorttempered in the past 6 months. i just want to be left alone more because ive been trying to connect the dots about who is after me but the past few weeks i have no motivation to do anything. but that doesnt mean i cant stop.

im just scared
when im in the presence of other people...period.
when your around people. can they read your mind?
what makes it that people can? because right now i have a feeling its me.
i cant even begin to describe or explain. my words are very not good for explaining this
BECAUSE: i can see it in my head. but i cant explain it. i see it. visuallyy

i cant live because im always watched. and its killing me. i feel i have no options because i do feel in fear. and in fear i feel violent intrapersonal and interpersonal

[Gr3tta]

It is awful to feel so scared! I hope you will try to let the medical professionals help you. I hate it when I am scared and frantic and I can't even figure out why! I think it would be great if you keep seeing this T and at least give her a try. She might be able to understand once she has some time and some more communication with you.
I hope you feel better soon.

[newtus]

yea actually im gonna continue and im gonna see a psychiatrist to double check this diagnosis.

i would NEVER do this, but im gonna be enrolling in school. and i cannot do school with this. im breaking down. im scared. i still dont think im delusional. but my fears are breaking me down and i need to be UP for school

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by newtus

im just scared
when im in the presence of other people...period.
when your around people. can they read your mind?
what makes it that people can? because right now i have a feeling its me.
i cant even begin to describe or explain. my words are very not good for explaining this
BECAUSE: i can see it in my head. but i cant explain it. i see it. visuallyy

i cant live because im always watched. and its killing me. i feel i have no options because i do feel in fear. and in fear i feel violent intrapersonal and interpersonal

No, people cannot read your mind. But they can make guesses about what is in your mind from observing what you do. Sometimes those guesses can be pretty accurate and sometimes they are very wrong. You can sometimes fool them by not showing much on the outside of what you are feeling on the inside.

And you can be scared of things that are not really something to be afraid of. Your brain may be sending Danger! Danger! Danger! signals that actually are memories of what happened years ago when you were small and could not figure out what was happening, how dangerous it really was. The very same neurons that activate when there is real danger could be activating when there is no longer any danger, if you like to think of it that way. Since the signals are almost the same, it can be very hard to tell what is really true. Your brain may be telling your adrenal gland, for instance, to send out adrenalin to prepare your body for battle when there is no external thing to battle. I know. I was on maximum alert for a long time, and it still comes back sometimes -- even when I am alone (except for the cats) in bed. How to tell whether the danger is there now or if it is just a memory? Very hard to do when they feel the same. I guess you have to look around you and see if you see any dangers, like when I am alone in bed, it is unlikely that anyone is really there to attack. Then you can say "I feel afraid but maybe it is just something my brain/body is telling me, and it might be mistaken".

Unfortunately mental health people do not always explain things very well to you, and sometimes try to shut you up instead of listening to your story of alarm. If they have not experienced it themselves they probably won't know how real it feels, and they may try to get you to just stop. This is not a good way to deal with the situation, because it makes you just more suspicious of their motives, harder to decide what is the truth. Hard hard hard. But you can get used to examining yourself and seeing what seems to be real danger and what seem to be signals of danger that may have come out of the past. The brain is not perfect, and sometimes malfunctions and sends you false signals!

[newtus]

nevermind. not going to a psychiatrist. i cant do it. too scared. mostly of revealing my self/my thoughts and then hospital.
------->

anyway. i understood a little of what you said. pardon me, i apologize.
"prepare for battle". thats interesting phrase.
i like it.

i bought a kevlar vest for safety. from me to them. and to them from me.

[crazylife]

Originally Posted by newtus

actually 3 questions.

first one is:

do all therapists really go before a board of their colleagues and discuss individuals they have sessions with, at least american ones?

second is:

im starting to question if i really have this disorder. i was dx'd at 15. its not that i suspect i dont. its that i dont even know. i dont know what to think. im severely confused.

third is:

if i go to a psychiatrist to check my Dx. can i refuse their meds? will they put me away if i do?
last time i saw psychiatrist was literally a year ago nearly this week. and they put as schizoaffective
but i fear its just cause i said my past standing Dx was schizoaffective.

I can say for the first question in the UK on the NHS MH service this is correct, my T has a weekly meeting and discuss' each patient between themselves Our ears burn a lot
They can't put you away unless you are at risk of harm to yourself or others. It's your body you choose what you put into it. Don't be pressured to take any medication you don't want.

[newtus]

how do i get rid of suicidal and homocidal thoughts?
why cant i find my answers?

----------------------

[newtus]

why cant i find THE answers to my questions?

----------------------

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by newtus

how do i get rid of suicidal and homocidal thoughts?

Are you angry at someone? That might help explain the thoughts.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Are you angry at someone? That might help explain the thoughts.

yea, the world.
and then select people.

im afraid. i normally, like usually, would just shake it off, even though i know my impulses are bad, because i stay home mostly. but ive been having to go out more, for college reasons. and i do remember getting on the side of the highway that day to walk the median and run out in front of the cars.

besides me, i hit my dad and my animals.
i just am worried. i do not want it to get worse because i usually put it on inanimate objects or wild animals. like taking the head off a squirrel or airgunning a bird.

im angry, mostly impulsively.i can be angry for a long time, but that usually sits. then something comes up with someone one on one and i get impulsively aggressive.

i hope im not questioning this for nothing. i hope im not just ovverreacting

[pachyderm]

The way to deal with anger (I think) is to find some fairly safe place where you can talk about it and the things that make you angry. Having to keep it bottled up is definitely no good!

Safe places? Professional therapy; one hopes that is a safe place. Psych Central seems to be fairly safe!

[newtus]

yea, im about to blow the f up.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by newtus

yea, im about to blow the f up.

Talk about it. Details?

[newtus]

i keep saying i dont know what to do
but its more like i dont know how to organize what to do.

everything seems very complicated. even going to the bathroom.
(please do not laugh, as i am not joking. i have no other place to spill my thoughts, as embarrassing as they are. ok)

my neighbors called in on me, said i was running outside with no shirt on.
i was not running. i was walking in the woods.

[pachyderm]

Outside with no shirt on -- in Antarctica? No wonder the neighbors called in on you!

One thing at a time. It will simplify things. Anxiety makes the mind -- mine at least -- close down and not work. I have to work on slowing things down and taking my time. It really helps.

[newtus]

haha. texas... BUT it was 45 degrees out. i didnt even feel the cold

long story short. i bought fast food for the first time in a long time and I found white POWDER in it. poison-like material. i stripped half my clothes off because i thought it got on my body. like what do you do when you have fire on you? stop drop and roll. you know? so after i hid in the woods but was also looking around to see if people were around, as ive seen people spying on me in there before. THE CALVARY.

they ALWAYS call in on me. ALWAYS.
they once reported that i was walking in the cornfields at 2am next to my house.
i wasnt?
boy do they want me out.

[costello]

I hate nosy neighbors, especially ones who call people on you. I have a neighbor like that. Ugh! He used to call the police and the humane society on my dog. We live in the frickin' country! If you want to have all the dogs in the neighborhood locked up, move back into the city where they have dog-at-large laws! Once he even told me he "didn't want to have to" shoot my dog. Miserable man!

Once I had an orange cat hanging around on my deck. So I went up to the neighbors behind me to see if it was theirs. The man came out of the house with a suspicious look on his face and asked if I was the one who called the police on his dogs. I told him it wasn't me. I had a pretty good idea who it was, but I didn't say. That's the problem with calling the "authorities" on your neighbors. It just creates suspicion and paranoia all around. You don't know who the complainer is because they didn't come and talk to you.

We have a lake across the road from us, a county park. It's supposed to close at 10 pm, but people don't know that or they lose track of time. If someone's over there listening to their music too loud and I can't sleep, I'll just go out and ask them to turn it down. One time my neighbor told me he doesn't bother asking them to turn it down; he just calls the sheriff on them. I thought, "I bet you do, you miserable old coot!"

Sheesh!

Sorry about your neighbors, newtus. That really sucks.