Roll call

I think but not sure that SSD (Social Security Disability) means that you have worked before and put money into it but can't work anymore. SSI means that you have never worked and are too disabled to work. I have SSI payments and qualified since the minimum age and didn't go through with it until later because I thought my dad made too much money. It turns out after a certain age your parent's income doesn't matter anymore. My brother is also getting (at least applied for) SSI payments for his autism. When my brother was younger he had some symptoms of depression and also heard voices.

Now my check in. I am still being the realist of realists can be. This means that I am very depressed, hopeless, and completely and utterly worthless. I make companies around the world fail. Nope NOT a delusion because I can name them. Social Stripes, Reflections Gallery, and also Open Hands. All singlehandedly destroyed by me, myself, and I. Other companies are following the same path. Connection you ask and why? My art is in all 3 of these places and I bet $1 MILLION that the other gallery I am in will fail as well. All I know is failure is failure is the name of the game. Oh, I forgot! There was another gallery that was in danger of shutting down and they kicked me out because of my crappy art (only the scenes and a few of the animals are half way decent) my art wasn't selling. I know another company next month will kick me out because of how few I sell there which is a couple dollars (if that is a "good" month) a MONTH. I am the Destroyer of Worlds. I am completely guilty of many counts that I won't get into here but destroying companies and making people miserable is one of them. Oh yeah I am a burden of many who know me. Realism rules! I wonder if I had something to do with the economy crashing in 2008 otherwise known as 1808 in Middle of Nowhere years. Moo. Mom needs surgery and will be difficult. I saw a government agent eating while I was eating and I bet he knew I was going to be there. Then I had a complete breakdown when I thought I lost my iPod. I was yelling on top of my lungs and knocked over a table at a restaurant (although I cleaned after myself and no destruction of property) and was hyperventilating. Yep, that's my day!

um lets see.
my dads 65.
parents divorced.
im 21

slept 3 hours in the past 48 hrs.
i layed off the coffee at noon today
no worries
i cant sleep

I slept. I feel like ****. Mother is banging on over e-mail about how i should drug myself because I had a bad day. Jesus, people, I got the 'flu and it upset me a bit more than normal. **** off, how is drugging myself going to change anything? All the drugs ever did was make me throw up and piss myself anyway.

When I was a teenager, music was a big part of my toolkit of coping skills. It still is. I have many more coping skills now, so I'm not as reliant as I was. I watched the Tim Burton film, "Dark Shadows" recently with my lovely bride at the local cinema. It was very funny and entertaining. I recomend it. Enjoy this rotation on Earth...

Music is the only thing I have left and the things Gerard says. I don't pronounce it wrong either.

Here!

@FireBird: Thanks for explaining SSD/SSI. I think I finally understand it.

Shoot! Another thing that reminds me of my son. Sometimes he does everything "right," and sleep still doesn't come.

Morning, Costello.
Sometimes, sleep just doesn't come. I have no idea why. Too much cogitating, perhaps.

Oh man, this article I'm reading is awful. It's like Dworkin wants to kiss Hart's arse, but he can't so D pulls H's pigtails instead.

I used to have insomnia really bad for many years. Not as bad as my son's, but bad. It went away with a change of diet - which is why I talk about diet so much - like all true converts, I want to share the Good News.

Anyway I used to think I was awake because I was ruminating. After the diet change I realized I'd been ruminating because I was awake.

I have a good diet and I still don't sleep.
I think part of that is the terrorist-prevention floodlight outside by window that no amount of blackout curtains can block, and even more is that my bed is far too short for me. Also that I can't lie down because of the flashbacks to being restrained. But I have no idea what the rest of it is.

Incidentally, why do people say 'ruminating' in English? I don't get it. Humans aren't ruminants.

I think it's one of those words psychologists came up with. I like it though. Worrying is very much like chewing cud. You just keeping pulling it up and working on it, chewing and chewing, when you should have long since let it go.

I think the question is what is "good." What we've been told is a good diet for the last 50 or so years is really crap in my opinion. The better diet in my view is lower in sugars and carbs - especially from grains - and higher in animal fats.

We eat too much sugar, including from fruits, and starches. It's making us fat and sick and crazy, IMO. Why is the world suddenly full of obese diabetics? Hint: it's not because the human race suddenly became lazy gluttons.

And it started with the low-fat idiocy. Nutritionists have a lot to answer for.

Haha, I get it. It would make no sense to say that in French; it sounds like you've thrown up and instead of spitting it out you've decided to just roll it around your tongue for a while.

It's an ocd word.

I eat (almost) exclusively whole grains, beans, tofu, and vegetables; a bit of fruit in the mornings. Almost no coffee (it's a social drink for me, not a morning necessity). Occasional exceptions are made for chocolate cookies, which are my favourite.
And other than a few cups of coffee each week, I only drink water or tisane.

Pardon me?

OCD - everytime you see the word ruminating, OCD is always there as well.

Oh, OK then. I usually think of cows when I see it.

I never saw a purple cow
I never hope to see one
But I'll tell you anyhow
I'd rather see than be one!

I can't sleep. It is currently 4:31 AM. I tried and tried all night long. Then I heard voices in the middle of the night and ran out of my room to see what it is and no one was awake. I get these nights a lot but more often I sleep 12-14 hours a day. Nothing in between. I am always tired like I am in school. I remember when I was in school I was constantly tired because I had to get up early. I have to get up soon anyways so there is no point in going back to sleep. Maybe when I get back I will sleep.

Firebird, I have to sleep a long time too. Like, ten hours or I'm grumpy and shaky all day. It's quite common in people with psychosis, I think. Especially if you take the drugs, I think you'll pretty much be tired all the time.

Yeah. That was how I used to eat. I ate that way for four years and gained 50 pounds. For me that diet is literally a death sentence.

Everyone's different. I lost 150lbs this way. It seems to work well for me.

Well, I lost 150lbs between quitting the psych drugs and changing my diet. That wasn't all diet because I was thin before psych drugs and I am thin after them.