Tomorrow

Hi Kureha,

I was just thinking, you've posted about a lot of concerns for a while now, that bad things are going to happen. So far nothing really bad has happened, has it? I know you were worried about your previous nurse, but she's turned out to be safe. Do you think it's possible that the Sleeper Cells have given up on you? I can't think of a motive for them to kill you.

I know how you feel, sometimes I see people following me too, and it's very frustrating when nobody believes me. But it's possible that they aren't motivated to harm you physically, isn't it?

I've felt like everything I said was wrong too. It sucked. I got over it, it took time and I needed help from others. I realized that my image of reality had been largely shaped by sit-coms on TV and popular music. I was under 18, my mind was "raped" I think I can make an arguement for that. No-one told me those images were false, and dangerous. I was a kid, I believed what I saw. Where is the crime? I hope you can receive help, it sounds to me, that people want to help and are able to help also. Maybe you should consider meeting them halfway. Go toward them a bit more each time. Test your boundries, I think that might help. It helped me. Good luck with treatment. NO SHAME!

Shoe – it’s because the government are testing things out on me.
Mgran - They definitely want to kill me – it just isn’t time yet and 1 of the nurses is part of it, how can they have given up when I still see them and the cameras.
They like to mock me – it’s part of their plan.
Brookwest – I won’t meet them half way – because they want me to take meds and I’m not taking it this time.

It is your body, and what enters it is, ultimately, your responsability. I take meds currently. I take an anti-depressant. In the past, I took anti-psycotics. I'd sleep a lot. I'd get bored a lot. I began to talk honestly with my psychiatrist. I "let it out" I mean, all the pent up rage and confusion, I let it out toward the dr.. I never got yelled at. I was never put into restraints. I did not make verbal or physical threats. I didn't verbally assault people or physically assault people either. I let out my thoughts, the doctors put their thoughts in to my mind. Their thoughts helped me understand my thoughts. My thoughts became less scary. I do not need to take anti-psychotics anymore. I enjoy my life, chem free, cept the anti-depressant.

I hope you can "let it out" safely with a doctor or a therapist or nurse. You deserve mental health and a enjoyable life.

Thanks for the clarification Kureha. I use to think that the government was trying to manipulate me into doing certain things. I was pretty delusional back in those days though. 30 years later I live in a rather small banana republic and I am still rather cautious of getting on the wrong side of this local government, but I think it is for good reason. If a person openly criticizes the governor here there seems to always be a price to pay. People write letters to the editor in the local newspaper but very seldom do they sign their names to it. I recently got married again and I have to wait for the attorney general to approve our application for my wife to reside permanently in this territory. Until that happens she will have to return to her home island and return for another 2 month visitor permit. I hope that my name isn't on the government's **** list. I did call in to a radio talk show and expressed my opinion against a proposal the governor was making once. I just hope that no one recognized my voice. I don't think that I am being overly paranoid either.
It is good if you can find some one that you can really trust whether that is a therapist or a boy friend or girl friend. I had a hard time establishing a real romantic relationship when I was in my 20's but sort of fell into one when I was around 30. That was really the turning point for me personally and the metal turmoil that I experienced when I was in my 20's.

Thanks, brookwest and Shoe. I hope my son gets to where you are someday.

Hope your wife can come and live with you, Shoe.

Your welcome. Glad I have enough health to offer some.

Thanks,

I'm not feeling so great right now - I can't tell anyone because they are all really happy for me.

It's my problem though - so I'm stuck with it.

I think being happy, and allowing happiness to surface, is good for me.

You deserve help. Denying yourself help, if you need help, is mean to yourself. Don't be mean to yourself. I think you have options, besides being stuck. TRY.

I'm not going to disappoint my psychologist, I won't have long left with her. So I'm not going to mess it up this time.

No one believes me anyway so it doesn't really matter, most people here think I'm faking, not everyone though.

So what does it really matter

Well I didn't get to college today.

I was anxious to start with adding extra things to that didn't help, 1 was a nice touch, really clever.

Not that it matters - just deal with it right.

Is your psychologist going to stop treating you?

People in this world are busy and stressed. I don't take it personally, anymore, that they can't help with my emotional pain. I respond to my inner feeling and thoughts by talking to my dr and chatting with other people about the weather and current events in the local newspaper. I take my med. I still have inner pain, It doesn't cause me to panic, anymore. I've learned to manage it.

When life heaps more weight on our backs, which are already stressed, it hurts more, I know. Yes, we have to cope properly, without hurting ourselves or anyone else, but I don't ignore my hurt feelings. I find someone I can trust to talk about them with. Pretending nothing hurts me, doesn't work for long. It isn't an option.

I hope you can cope well today

yea is your time with her limited?

Yeah time limited - same with the nurse, not long left with them either.

I'll be with the CMHT then - although I won't be, because there is no way I'm stepping into that building. They treat hospital like it's some kind of holiday camp, they just like to send people there and there are 2 people there I don't ever want to see.

HAHA. funny you say that. holiday camp. i believe more people would go if it really was similar to a day spa with compassionate talk therapy.

i was with a team a year ago for people with no insurance.
i almost got the wind knocked out of me to see nurses from the hospital i had went to. (it was the worst one too. i got abused)
to top it all off they remembered my name on first eye contact. though no other patients. coincidence? i think not. i weirdly have been a very memorable person to almost every person i met in my life.

Well, their goals are good, sometimes they succede and other times they don't. If it wasn't the hospital helping us, who would it be. Maybe the church? The church, historicly, hasn't been understanding to confused people in emotional pain. They were persecuted and charged with heresy or witchcraft or sorcery. Umm. If I had to choose between the two, I'd choose the hospital.

The hospital I went to had mold growing around the window, blood on the curtains, I told the nurse about it - she said it was my illness
It was so unclean

At least I didn't get abused though, but I wouldn't treat a dog the way they treat me.
I thought my room would have it's own bathroom, but no I got a cardboard tray for my toilet.

That sounds horrible. Mental health workers can be indifferent to the suffering of clients. I guess at times, downright hostile. When I worked counters doing retail sales, my co-workers would tell me the customers were animals. Our job was to "feed the pigs" basicly. The way some of them behaved, that was a kind statement. I'm sure that customers didn't mean to be rude. It is just how they always treat, "the guy behind the counter." I was laughable to some. Pathetic to others. Some would be belligerant and threaten violence, indirectly. Other would make messes for me to clean up. Then I would have to go home, and care for my sick wife and son, while I was medicated for a major mental illness. I thought of it as entering the "snake pit" sometimes. There were a lot of gangbanger wannabes those days. They enjoyed pretending to be eminem. They wanted me to know they believed they were dangerous. Once, a teenager engages me in a fight, while I tried to get them of the parking lot of the business, because they were bothering good customers. I got down low and bared my rotten teeth and was preparing to rip that wannabe to little bits and feed him to the friggin birds. It wouldn't have given me any guilt to do so. He ran away.

lol, Brookwest, that's how to treat Eminem wannabes. (Or as my son calls them "m and ms", after the sweet... hard on the outside, wussy on the inside.)

Kureha, I'm so sorry that the hospital was such a filthy place. The nurse saying it was your illness making the place seem grim sounds like she was making excuses. I know what NHS hospitals are like.

A cardboard box? What, did they think you're a cat? It's no wonder patients go on dirty strikes in such hospitals. Again, I'm sorry you were treated so badly.

I was reading this today in one of my emails and thought I would pass it on here.

But why is it that our brains are drawn toward what's annoying or negative more than what's pleasant and positive? And how can we rebalance this automatic nature of our minds? This is a tricky one. It's been well established that our brains have an automatic negativity bias. In the animal kingdom the magic rule was, as author of Just One Thing Rick Hanson puts it, Every day, eat lunch, but don't be lunch.€� Those people whose minds were not primed to immediately target danger didn't pass their genes on through the evolutionary chain. So our brains, over time, became more deeply ingrained with the bias toward focusing on threats and negativity.
An awareness of this bias alone can help you with the old adage "Don't believe everything you think."

I couldn't use the toilet because of my OCD, I had to wait until my mam came for the cardboard tray, so she could watch the door.

There was no sink next to the toilet either though, I didn't understand that at all, there's no way anyone could touch the door handle, it's no wonder they closed it.

hand washing is important
excrement can carry e-coli which can cause major health problems

its all not "that" deadly though

our immune systems should be able to handle normal contact with germs, I believe.

I know hand washing is important - I used to easily clear over 100 times a day.
I lost my old self to OCD though, I don't do what I used to, because it opened up my eyes

I've been in routines before, and then had someone or something disrupt my routine, my world becomes unstable when that happens. It was harder when I was young than it is now.

Wash you hands, Yay, OK. Whatever gives you happiness, as long as you aren't hurting yourself or anyone else, go for it.

I mean if it makes someone uncomfortable that you need or want to wash your hands often, maybe try washing them a bit less. Hand sanitizer, maybe.

I enjoy your posts Kurah. The world of logic bores me. Thanks.

Why would OCD give me happiness?

In your world is having cancer a good thing?

You obviously do not understand OCD if you think I washed my hands for fun.

Is failing my degree and losing my boyfriend a good thing as well - because that was all because of that.

Now I can't get with anyone - because I either can't trust them or it's the germs - so yeah having OCD so much fun right