[newtus]

I dont understand. ive been here many times. couple of other forums. over a period of a year. i just talk about my experiences. here i am thrown into the hospital twice in two months. well once but i landed in the ER heading for committal anyway. i got out. by luck maybe? so i comply with meds for awhile. i stop it. ok..i stop it for side effects but took it during the hospital. it didnt help inside. dont shun me but i lied to get out. i still took the meds. but i do not want to be in those places. so i lied to get out. meds didnt help that much anyway. im on a medium cocktail. the number lying straight in the middle of 1-10. between 4 and 6.

so why do i feel in distress still? will i never get answers? i can take being alone. i cant take feeling in distress. as the meds didnt help paranoia. it just didnt. i think im getting severely antsy or fed up with everything that has happened i mean just for the answers. i feel cheated and F'd over so much. it makes me...how to put it really kindly...not want to be kind to people. except it on the other side of the negative spectrum. just putting it nicely but still starts with a k.

[costello]

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now, newtus. I think they'll get better. I know it's confusing, but things will improve. It just takes time.

I wish I could make it easier for you. I wish I could just reach out and make it better. Just do your best and carry on. I know that doesn't seem like much of an answer, but it seems to be how we all get through the hard times.

How is your father? Can you talk to him about some of these things? Are you still seeing your therapist?

Please remember when you're feeling low that people here care about you and are rooting for you.

[RunningEagleRuns]

Originally Posted by newtus

I dont understand. ive been here many times. couple of other forums. over a period of a year. i just talk about my experiences. here i am thrown into the hospital twice in two months. well once but i landed in the ER heading for committal anyway. i got out. by luck maybe? so i comply with meds for awhile. i stop it. ok..i stop it for side effects but took it during the hospital. it didnt help inside. dont shun me but i lied to get out. i still took the meds. but i do not want to be in those places. so i lied to get out. meds didnt help that much anyway. im on a medium cocktail. the number lying straight in the middle of 1-10. between 4 and 6.

so why do i feel in distress still? will i never get answers? i can take being alone. i cant take feeling in distress. as the meds didnt help paranoia. it just didnt. i think im getting severely antsy or fed up with everything that has happened i mean just for the answers. i feel cheated and F'd over so much. it makes me...how to put it really kindly...not want to be kind to people. except it on the other side of the negative spectrum. just putting it nicely but still starts with a k.

I hated the hospitals too. You probably wont like this thought, but doyou think you stayed on the meds long enough for them to kick in? I find alot of distress too, although it has gotten better. Good luck!

[unaluna]

i'm sorry you're not feeling well. it took me a really long time to get used to my meds, to where I feel better with them than I did without them, but there was a lot of up and down of doses before I got stabilized. and that was just for two fairly common meds. I am surprised it took me years to adjust, but maybe that was menopause getting over and just finally doing psychotherapy right. anyway I was wondering what was going on with you. I wish I could do or say something to help.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by costello

How is your father? Can you talk to him about some of these things? Are you still seeing your therapist?

hes ok. just ok. its way to hard to talk to anyone period about this. its tough even on here so not really. but i am still seeing the therapist. its just...extremely tough being honest.

Originally Posted by costello

Please remember when you're feeling low that people here care about you and are rooting for you.

thanks..i wanted to jump off the walmart building today. but i cant even walk out of my house!!! too scared. paranoid.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by RunningEagleRuns

I hated the hospitals too. You probably wont like this thought, but doyou think you stayed on the meds long enough for them to kick in? I find alot of distress too, although it has gotten better. Good luck!

idk maybe not. 7-8 days. so maybe not. but those side effects. BUT im scared to death of the psychdoc. i dont know where to begin. my paranoia or my outright fear of psych pro's.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by hankster

I wish I could do or say something to help.

you sorta did.
its also just nice to see someone acknowledge me. im so easily looked over/ignored.
im not so sad all the time. i dont believe im depressed because i always have a reason but the distress/paranoia makes me irritable and slightly violent. long long story now. but local help doesnt believe i need professional criminal help but professional mental help.

someone on my last thread gave me good advice for being open. its been 2 days since my last confession (therapy session) i cant get wait. its distressing.

[CastlesInTheAir]

It usually takes me at least a month for me to get used to meds and feel the full effect. Getting used to a Med always sucks. I end up feeling crappier and crazier for a month. They had to adjust my meds twice because my original meds made me feel fine then after a week of feeling fine I started having bad suicidal thoughts. So then I had to get used to a new Med after that. Took me about two months to be fully stable.

As far as lieing to the pdoc to get out of the hospital goes, I did it too the last time I was hospitalized. I felt like the hospital was making me worse being around a bunch of people I don't know. Plus one of my delusions was that I was going on death row upon leaving the hospital. So when I left and was proven wrong I actually started getting better.

[newtus]

does anyone think haldol will make me feel crazier first then better?........

[FireBird]

I sometimes lie to get out of the hospital as well. I hate it there and would do anything to get out. Once it looked like I got better within days of going in there but then I got bad again after getting out. Next time I go I won't tell them my delusions because that is suspicious and then they won't believe me anyways. Anyways I don't want them to laugh at me. I am sorry that you are still struggling. I struggle and starve like a starving artist. I draw a lot and I learned recently that most artists don't make more than $1000 a year with their starving art. I haven't been eating much due to the depression. I believe most artists suffer from either depression or bipolar. Depression because they starve and bipolar because of the manic creativity.

[Twisti]

Im sorry that I dont have any advice or anything to offer you...Im in a really dark place myself right now but I do hope that you feel better soon...((HUGS))

[Tsunamisurfer]

Newtus, I can totally relate to your distress about hospitals and feeling controlled by drugs. I can't tell how you will feel about Haldol, because it depends whether you feel invaded or helped by the experience. You may get used to it.
I hope you find something that helps you.

I tried my absolute best to appear normal in my daily meetings with my pdoc in hospital, in order to get released. It wasn't quite lying, but I sure wasn't keen to tell her about anything she could possibly interpret as signs of illness. (She had blackmailed me into "voluntary" hospitalisation).

I believe one of the best ways around the feeling of paranoia is having a pdoc who can validate your experience, rather than simply squashing it with with a sedating sledge hammer. I believe our responses to these drugs are quite different if we experience trust and compassion rather than mechanical processing in our relationships with our medical team.

[bipolarmedstudent]

I don't know if this will help you...

When you start to feel paranoia about pdoc's, remember that their job is to help you. They went to medical school for 4 years, and then trained for 5 years after that to learn how to help you. They've devoted their entire lives to learning how to help you. But also remember that they make mistakes, and they may not know the best way to help you. Even with years of training, it can be hard to understand how someone with a mental illness feels, when you don't have a mental illness yourself. It can be hard for them to understand how it feels to have so much paranoia, if they have never felt that paranoia themselves.

Think of you and your pdocs as a team. You have to help them understand what you are going through. You have to help them help you. If you don't talk to them, or if you lie to them, then they are working off bad or no information, so they will have a hard time making you feel better.

It might help your paranoia if you *decide* to trust your pdoc and be honest with him/her, and then see some good results with medication and therapy. Be honest with your pdoc. Tell him that you are paranoid of doctors and that it is difficult for you to trust him. Tell him you have had bad experiences in hospitals and don't want to go back. Tell him you want to treat your paranoia, but you don't feel the meds are helping with that at all. Tell him you want to feel better.

I hope this helps.

I have been paranoid before about other things (thought people in my class were trying to hurt me), but I have always trusted my doctors. I think part of the reason I have been so successful with treatment is *because* I trusted my doctors and worked with them as a team.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by bipolarmedstudent

...You have to help them help you. If you don't talk to them, or if you lie to them, then they are working off bad or no information, so they will have a hard time making you feel better...

ugh i didnt think about that...now i feel horrible. in particular for my therapist. ive been seeing her for months now and havent been entirely honest. no saying lies just withholding info.

Originally Posted by bipolarmedstudent

...I have been paranoid before about other things (thought people in my class were trying to hurt me)...

i did too. thats an example of one of my paranoia. i got kicked out of a college for actually going after the girl who i thought was apart of many people at that college stalking me. last month. the police picked me up and took me to an ER.

i notice you have trichotillomania. i do too.

[roads]

hey newtus, meds affect us all in different ways so can't guess how they'll make you feel ... if they're going to have bad side effects on me they do it pretty fast ... I try to give them a chance.

When meds do work, they help me a whole lot and it's worth going through the work of finding the right med & the right dose.

I'm so sorry you're having this bad time. PM me any time if you want.

Roadie

[bipolarmedstudent]

Originally Posted by newtus

ugh i didnt think about that...now i feel horrible. in particular for my therapist. ive been seeing her for months now and havent been entirely honest. no saying lies just withholding info.

i did too. thats an example of one of my paranoia. i got kicked out of a college for actually going after the girl who i thought was apart of many people at that college stalking me. last month. the police picked me up and took me to an ER.

i notice you have trichotillomania. i do too.

Don't feel horrible. Lots of patients withhold things from their therapist or pdoc. Hell, I've withheld something important from my pdoc for the past FIVE years. I finally decided I'm going to tell her the next time I see her. Therapists and pdocs know we withhold things from them. They expect it. I know when I see patients as a med student, I expect them to withhold certain things or fudge the truth on certain things (especially stuff like drug use). I wouldn't take it personally if I found out a patient had withheld something from me. I would just want them to tell me so I could help them better.

The trichotillomania is almost gone since I started on abilify. The abilify has really been a miracle drug for me. My trichotillomania was REALLY bad. I used to pull *constantly*....hundreds or thousands of hairs a day. Now I pull out maybe a few hairs a week, if that!
Now I pretty much just scratch and pick at my scalp. Even that is better on the abilify. Before abilify, I would pick at my scalp so much that it was always bleeding, open, and sore. Now, I rarely pick so much that it bleeds.

As for the paranoia...last year I was suddenly convinced that a boy in my class was going to bring a gun to school and shoot everyone. I was so convinced that I told campus police. I thought it was my duty to warn everyone. Now I think back to it, and I'm so embarrassed. I can't understand why I was so paranoid. It was for sure a delusion. It's freaky to think I could have been so completely convinced of something that in retrospect seems so crazy. I mean, I pride myself on being logical and rational, so the idea that I could suffer from a delusion like that really upsets me.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk, newtus. I'll do my best to help.

[newtus]

ive had trich since i was 9 years old. everyday i pull. :/ yea.

its great to think so many here offer to talk to me. i appreciate it a lot.

[bipolarmedstudent]

Originally Posted by newtus

ive had trich since i was 9 years old. everyday i pull. :/ yea.

its great to think so many here offer to talk to me. i appreciate it a lot.

I pulled every day since I was 15 years old until I started on abilify this past summer. I honestly thought I would pull every day for the rest of my life (or until I was completely bald). Sometimes I still can't believe that I don't pull anymore.

Have you ever tried abilify? What meds have you tried? Have any of them decreased your hair-pulling?

p.s. what were you studying in university? what year were you in?

[newtus]

abilify, yes. so many. i have a list. a little paranoid to post but i tried many anti-depp's & antipsych's. not one thing in my whole life has helped. my triggers for pulling are stress which i cant handle even a little.

ugh..yea..it was just junior college. been a freshman for 4 years. go figure...im a loser AND a freak.

[bipolarmedstudent]

Originally Posted by newtus

abilify, yes. so many. i have a list. a little paranoid to post but i tried many anti-depp's & antipsych's. not one thing in my whole life has helped. my triggers for pulling are stress which i cant handle even a little.

ugh..yea..it was just junior college. been a freshman for 4 years. go figure...im a loser AND a freak.

Feel free to PM me a list of meds you have tried if you are less paranoid that way. It's too bad the abilify didn't work for your hair-pulling. Given that you've tried a bunch of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics with no luck, it probably rules out serotonin and dopamine as the root cause (no pun intended) of your hair-pulling. What about anti-convulsants...have you tried those? Like, anti-seizure meds (e.g. lithium, depakote, tegretol, topamax, neurontin, lyrica...) ? They work either by increasing GABA or inhibiting glutamate. I recently read some articles showing that topamax can be effective for hair-pulling. I actually want to try topamax myself, since I found articles that show it can also be effective for tics and treatment-resistant OCD. Plus it make you lose weight, lol.

You're not a loser or a freak. you're dealing with psychosis, which is a very serious illness. I think going back as a freshman over and over shows perseverence...that you're not willing to just give up. What subjects are you most interested in?

Anyway, with time you can find the right cocktail of meds and rebuild your life. My cousin is schizophrenic, and he has held down a job for the past 30 years, has a loving wife and two wonderful kids. It's possible...it just takes some time and some trial-and-error in the beginning to reach stability. I'm not saying it's easy, but for most people, it can be done.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by bipolarmedstudent

You're not a loser or a freak. you're dealing with psychosis, which is a very serious illness. I think going back as a freshman over and over shows perseverence...that you're not willing to just give up. What subjects are you most interested in?...

yea lithium...no help.idk what to say.

im just interested in art. ive given up on school 6 months at a time, 2-3 times. but yea im back. for art. if it was for anything else i wouldnt be back. im quitting though after a couple of months. i realize theres no future for me with school.

[bipolarmedstudent]

Originally Posted by newtus

yea lithium...no help.idk what to say.

im just interested in art. ive given up on school 6 months at a time, 2-3 times. but yea im back. for art. if it was for anything else i wouldnt be back. im quitting though after a couple of months. i realize theres no future for me with school.

I think it makes sense to wait until you are stabilized before you restart school. Trying to go to school when you aren't mentally stable is kind of self-defeating, and it will eventually burn you out and depress you.

I think you should concentrate on getting well right now. Take some time off from school and do everything you can to get better. Work with your pdoc to find the right combo of meds (this alone can easily take 1-2 years of trial and error). Do lots and lots of therapy. Do CBT, DBT, group therapy, family therapy, whatever kind of therapy you can find. Get self-help books, read them, do the workbooks.

Some great books:
http://www.amazon.ca/The-Hair-Pullin.../dp/0195149424
http://www.amazon.ca/Help-Hair-Pulle...d_rhf_se_shvl1
http://www.amazon.ca/Mind-Over-Mood-...3851509&sr=1-1
http://www.amazon.ca/Anxiety-Phobia-...4&sr=1-3-fkmr0
http://www.amazon.ca/Relapse-Prevent...3851684&sr=1-4

Also, take care of your physical health. This means eat right, exercise, get out of the house every day (I struggle with this one), practice good sleep hygiene. Sticking to a routine is extremely important. If possible, go to the doctor, and get a physical and have your vitamins, minerals, and hormones checked to make sure you don't have any deficiencies. If you smoke, drink, or do drugs, quit. If you are overweight, lose weight.

Learn to cope with stress. Take up yoga or meditation or kickboxing or whatever it is you need to do to cope with the stress in your life in a productive way.

Join support groups. Volunteer. Help those who are less fortunate than you. It will help put your own issues in perspective.

Getting healthy will probably take you at least six months. Don't get discouraged, don't try to do everything at once (make one small change at a time), don't rush. Take it slow. Reward yourself.

Then, when you are stable and you feel up to it -- take some time to figure out what you want to do with your life. That may involve going back to school or it may not. But you may be suprised what you are capable of once you are doing well.