Roll Call Take Two

It is Friday, May 25th, 2012 c.e. or A.D. on the Chchristian calender. Barack Obama is president of the United States of North America. I am human. My psychiatric diagnosis has been Major Depression w/ psychotic features. I am currently being prescribed buproprion extended release 300 millegram medication and am med compliant. My psychologist stated at our last session, yesterday, that I was not a threat to myself or anyone else, in his professional opinion. I am married and am a step-father. I work. I receive gvt assistence also. I enjoy practicing and performing music with my six string guitar. My audiences have spoken highly of my performences. I have some quickly assembled music posted on youtube. Search on: alanashton2010. That is me. I have zero illusions about the quality of my guitar playing ability. PLease don't hate me, I mean zero disrespect. I only want to entertain. tks.

Here. Exhausted.

I'm here... had a ROUGH day.. no work today but I had some fears that weren't exactly.... rational.. earlier this morning.. I think I've worked through them now.. but i still worry sometimes.. anyway. hope everyone is doing well.

Here.

My son has been struggling. He's obsessed with his hand. Obsessions with imaginary physical problems is a reliable sign that he's going into another episode. I'd like so see if he can pull out of the nosedive this time. I think he's fighting as hard as he knows how. This is where the rubber meets the road, I think, and where the learning begins. My biggest fear is that I'll die and he'll still need external supervision.

Last night he came to my bedroom door say that he's not "doing well" and he can't control the obsessive thoughts and he thinks he needs to go to the hospital. I told him I thought the hospital wasn't necessary yet and suggested he take another Zyprexa. (He does have some for use PRN.) I think he did that. He's sleeping still, so I don't know if it helped.

I just want him to be able to 1) recognize when he's not doing well (rather than having to rely on others to tell him), and 2) know what tools he has available to him to make things better. I think how he handled it last night was great. He felt things were moving outside of his control, and he talked to me about what solutions he should apply.

Thats good that your son is making progress costello. Thanks for the update and remember to tell him how proud you are of how he handled the situation last night.
I'm having a really good day. Got out of the house for awhile and got a massage while hubby watched the kid. Looking forward to seeing my aunt in a week. Distancing myself from the crazy inlaws and setting bounderies. I may have even found a way to decrease cravings for si (not sure how well it will work when I'm actually stressed, may backfire, only time will tell).

I am seeing the old psychiatrist on Monday and I'm terrified. What if he tries to drug me? What if I get angry because he will just insist that I needed to be locked up and drugged way back when? What if I spent so many years drugged for no reason and nobody has any answers as to why?

Talked to my mom who talked to my dad. I...his explanations for my symptoms were....pretty....well, out there.

Sorry, just irritated, and sad. I can't really say exactly what my symptoms are to him because, well....they're basically his, at parts. I can't really give him examples without him just feeding into my delusions and...me keeping insight is a constant tug of war in my head, day after day, so it feels like talking to him is risky, as it relates to my symptoms. The chances of him having a delusion disorder or...something are pretty high, but it's...I don't know. I have a lot of feelings about it that might be more appropriate in another thread.

But yes, here.

Sick of hearing planes - this is just to let me know they are still watching.

Here. After a good day yesterday I still couldn't sleep at night. I had nightmares that I was hearing my son crying when he wasn't and never knew if I was hearing things or if it was him. WTF, now I'm dreaming about having hallucinations. This sucks

I had nightmares about hallucinations last night too. Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night, I can't tell if I've really been hallucinating or just dreaming right before waking up, because everything is so...real.

Probably having lunch with my dad today. Hopefully it turns out okay. Miss him tons, but worried he might interrogate me on my symptoms or what 'else' could have caused them. I'll just keep hoping.

Here and doing ok.

Sorry, but this made me smile. I sometimes wish so much that I had had some of these experiences my son has. I could understand depression or anxiety, but psychosis is completely outside of my experience, so I can't even say "I know what you're going through." 'Cause I just don't.

Anyway a couple of nights ago I dreamed I was hearing voices. I was so pleased. They weren't even full words - just syllables - actually just vowels, diphthongs - like 'ow' - like a ghost would say in a cheesy kids' show (Scooby Doo?). I was so pathetically pleased. I thought at least it was a start, and maybe something better would develop later. Then I woke up and thought, "Well, shoot. Back to square one."

Last night I actually had a dream I remember. It involved 1) an apartment I shared with four other women (one of whom was murdered and a second one was suspected of the murder), 2) washing tons and tons of laundry, and 3) lots of yellow objects.

Hope you sleep better tonight, icky.

here! still debating whether I should go back on my meds or not.feeling ok though. Not worried about satan or demons today

Here. Tired from horrible dreams. But going to have a good day none the less.
(have we all been having them lately???? but I always do, so probably not significant. I probably just chose to mention it because it was brought up, huh. )

Here. Terrified of tomorrow. Why am I doing this to myself?

Oh well. At least my therapist is back this week and I have a ton of things to say to him. All of a sudden, my life has completely changed. It's only a matter of time until I'm a lawyer . . . but I think I might not take my pupillage even if I make the offer. It's another two years of gruelling stress, and only an 80% chance that I'll finish training and be offered a job. And in the mean time, I have an offer for full-time work (only slightly less well-paid than a legal trainee) without any of the stress, and at the place I already worked part-time during my degrees. So is this me giving up? I don't know what to do without the battering-ram of being a lawyer to put off everyone who thinks I'm just a crazy person.

Ha, wow. Freud would have a field day with you.

How's your son doing? I was thinking about him earlier when I saw my hands. I hope he's OK and his downward spiral is being well controlled.

fishsandwich - if you choose this other job, it doesn't mean you've given up, just that you've made a different choice. You don't have to be a lawyer unless you want to be.
Just think about your reasons. If you choose the other job because you fear failing at becoming a lawyer, then that might be a poor choice. If you choose the other job because it's something you'd really like to do, can make a good living at, and feel comfortable with, then that might be a good choice.
Either way, I think you've made great achievements in your education.

And no doubt he would be completely wrong.

He's still struggling. He's really scared the sz is going to win. In fact, he was using the word 'schizophrenia' today which he just hates. He's just really, really stressed, and when he gets stressed he wigs out a bit. I gave him one of my little pep talks and told him I have every confidence he will find a way to manage this thing over time and get a life for himself that will be full and satisfying.

About your career decisions: the only thing I would add to Gr3tta's comments is to ask whether you can change your mind later if you decide you want to pursue that final step. Or do you close that door forever if you don't continue now?

About seeing your pdoc tomorrow: I admire your courage. I think this is something you need to do right now. Good luck.

I had a healthy day. No complaints to post here. I hope posters here are feeling healthy also.

ug. It's late and I should be thinking about sleep, but I am the opposite of sleepy. My wife has been lying in bed with a migraine all evening. Lots of times I will lay in bed with her and read, or watch a movie with headphones, but I've been too antsy this evening. I think she's sleeping now, so I'm trying to be quiet. I've been playing games online with the tv turned down in the background, but I'm fairly bored. Which just makes me less sleepy. Bleh.

Here.

I was up way too late last night too. Something about knowing I don't have to go to work today.

Hi. I saw the pdoc. He said something about 'prodromal schizophrenia' when I was in the hospital and he admitted I've never had a full-blown psychotic break. There was also something about how my father had schizophrenia too, which I've never heard before and honestly have never witnessed from him. Then I yelled for the remaining 45 minutes about what a criminal he is, and I left undrugged.
No answers, nothing was resolved. Am very angry. I guess my next step will be contacting a lawyer.

I'm surprised he'd be able to have you involuntarily hospitalized with that flimsy evidence. Extremely disturbing. I'd be angry too.

I think you got your answer actually. They didn't have a legal justification for hospitalizing you. At least it wouldn't fly here.

Sorry that sucks.

My doctor doesn't label - I think that means he is giving me meds to **** me up.

He seemed to think I was on the verge of having a full-on psychotic break when I was hospitalised. He kept saying things like, "Well, you ran away and you yelled at people a lot and the nurse report says you had scars from cuts all over your legs." And then I asked him if he wouldn't do the same things if he was locked up involuntarily, and he said something about trusting professionals blah blah blah.

[The cuts on my legs are there, but are from my very injury-heavy childhood as a farm girl, and also stretch marks from a growth spurt!!)

Anyway, if what he said is really true and it's really written in my medical records, then I'm filing a malpractice suit.