Roll Call Take Two

I ate about half a billion, froze some, made jam, then made all my friends come at eat figs . . . AND I STILL HAD BILLIONS AND BILLIONS LEFT. Also, do you know how damned hard it is to get twenty kilos of figs home on the underground??

Writing the annual report is not part of my job, so I'm worried that there will be further excessive amounts of gratitude fruit in my future.

I've gained 20lbs since the bar exams. Sigh. Must diet. More sighs.

on a side note i got along better with males in high school bcause i was a tomboy and had my own perverted ways of thinking.

im not doing ok anymore

i stopped my meds
then something happened and im hearing stuff

after almost a week off being hallucination free
but the paranoia does and will always continue

what im saying is stress is causing it
plus i got more stress coming up
had some today.

Didn't mean to spark an anxiety attack! I meant "take care of yourself emotionally" not "take a shower." Don't bathe if you don't want to.

Look around you, newtus. All kinds of people find partners. My younger son doesn't shower enough. And he's a real jerk to girls. But they're falling all over themselves to be with him. Go figure!

But if you take care of yourself emotionally, you'll be more likely to get into an emotionally healthy relationship.

Sorry to hear it.

thats cause hes a guy!
guys want sweet girls
im not a jerk but im not as passive as i used to be.
def NOT.

but showering...
talk about 2 months most times without it.
im just...paranoid..people stabbing me..choking me in the shower
i NEVER NEVER NEVER bathe. like a bath. cause you have to be submerged for that. F THAT.

I'm sorry that the lady wasn't supportive when you rang I personally think you were both out of line, but you were distressed and she's supposedly a trained professional which makes her behaviour worse IMO. I hope that you can manage to finish the report and that work aren't taking advantage of you, since it's not technically your job - a billion figs don't exactly make up for the extra stress, you know!

Thanks for this - it made me

I'm starting an exercise referral programme tomorrow (through the NHS) and I am quite nervous. I had to go and buy gym clothes and trainers as I didn't own anything I could run in :s I'm hoping that I'll lose some weight, but it's only for a couple of weeks as then I'm moving for Uni, but I'm planning on getting a referral in my new city too. I need someone to hold me accountable or I won't go to the gym, at least until I'm hopefully established in a routine. I'm starting to realise that I may never get back to my 'normal' weight though, especially if I stay on psych meds

Newtus This on again, off again meds isn't doing you any good. Is there someone impartial you can talk to? I did the same thing, but my CPN helped me make an informed decision without just shoving drugs down my throat. Maybe making a pros and cons list will help you decide? And talk to pdoc about other med possibilities if it's side effects etc that's made you stop again.

*Willow*

no theres no one.
you guys maybe.
its not the side effects its just by now im forgetting to take them.
so i just decided to stop altogether.

i was doing good then i forgot like every other day to take them then i was like "well im forgetting anyway and im doing good so F it anyway"

Yeah I did that. I was thinking of stopping my antipsychotic and then forgot to take it, and decided that was a 'sign' that I should stop it, so I just kept not taking it.

Could you just post a pros and cons list here? Maybe we could help?

ETA: maybe you could set an alarm to remind you to take your meds? That's what I do

*Willow*

med pros:
keeps me out of hospital
takes away bad voices and paranoia
keeps me making my own decisions for myself

no med cons:
takes away true reality
certain side effects like sleepy all the time or nausea
im in the hospital
cant do stuff for myself that id like to.

I'm back!!! I'm here; actually doing a bit better with my depression...if it was even that. Just wanna check in

Something big is coming! I can feel it building in the pit of my stomach.

Something has to give. Today feels hopeless. I'm not even safe at my home.

I keep wanting to quit seeing the therapist, but then he goes away even for four days and I fall apart.

COSTELLO, what did your boss do that he deserved to be told off?

Well it seems like you have 3 pros of taking meds and 4 cons when you're off meds, so logically you should take your meds. Does your gut agree with this though? I like to think that I make my decisions logically, but I usually go with my gut more. If your gut agrees, then you should start taking your meds again. If your gut doesn't agree, is there something holding you back? Maybe side effects etc? I realised that I didn't want to take my meds because I was punishing myself for my Nan's death. My CPN helped me reframe it - I have nothing to feel guilty for, and my Nan would be horrified if she knew what I was doing to myself because of her. That knowledge made me override my gut feeling of wanting to stop to punish myself, and start taking my meds again. Maybe there's something standing in your way too?

Glad your depression is getting better

Stefanian I hope that you start feeling safe soon.

fish Do you know why you want to stop seeing him? It sucks when Ts go away

I went to my exercise referral class today, which was hard work and exhausting, but I survived! Had to take a nap afterwards though, which my parents moaned about - "napping is bad for your sleep patterns", "how are you going to cope back in Uni?!" Ugh! I will be glad to be independent again, even if it's a struggle.

*Willow*

Oh, my God, the list is so long. I think I'm just carrying a load of anger. Then something sets it off.

The most recent is that my employer has shorted me on my personal and sick leave for the last six years. I just noticed it in late June. It makes me angry if I think about it too much, because when my adopted son was still at home I took so much leave time for school, therapists, court, etc. And I was always short of time. There was never enough. Now I know that I had more time coming to me that I wasn't being credited for.

The thing is, why don't people just say, "I'm sorry." You know? The lady who is supposed to be taking care of this problem hasn't done it. She's had six weeks now. For two of those six weeks she was on vacation, which I find particularly galling, because I HAVEN'T HAD A VACATION IN YEARS - NO LEAVE TIME AVAILABLE! And she led me to believe she'd deal with this before she left on vacation on June 29. I see by my calendar that it's now August 10, and ... nothing.

I asked my boss to intervene - and he did, he called her. But, he says to me, "I guess it's not a priority." That made me really mad. It sort of opened up a lot of wounds from other times when I wasn't a priority, I guess. There's a whole history here and some promises made to me that weren't kept.

I told him this morning that no one had expressed any empathy for the problems this has caused me over the years. No one has said I'm sorry. He said - paraphrasing - "I'm sorry, but it's not my fault." I don't know. He has no social skills, so I don't know why I expected any more.

Eh, well it's not so much that I want to stop seeing him, as I want to find somebody else who can help me with different problems. Right now, I need some way to help me control my eating/exercising/smoking/reckless spending, more than I need deep psychoanalysis about why I'm so psycho. I guess it's just come to a point?

I'm glad you had your exercise class! What kind of 'cise was it? Pity about the exhaustion, though! It does get better. I need to find some way to make myself move more. (Wasn't the Olympics supposed to 'inspire a generation' to exercise or whatever?? Haha.)
Why do your parents freak out so? Is it just because they're parents? When will your course start -- late September, I imagine? I'm glad you're looking forward to be on your own again

Bah, how utterly awful. I'm angry on your behalf, not that that likely helps but man . . . especially with your adopted son and everything.

Thank you. Why couldn't someone here have said that?

Human resources said: "I wish we'd known about this sooner." Like it was somehow my fault. I wish they'd known sooner too. I could have used the time.

Academic affairs said: "Oh, yeah, I've got that here on my desk. I'll get to it later - when I'm less busy."

My supervisor said: "It's not a priority."

All I want to hear is "I'm so sorry this happened. I'm going to make it right - today!"

And that's not an unreasonable thing to ask! Are they going to give you boatloads of new vacation time, or do you get backpay?

costello I'm sorry they keep messing you around.

That sounds like a sensible reason to see someone else. Maybe you could see him less often while you see the new person? I found my private T through my local Mind - they had a booklet of local Ts. I also saw a hypnotherapist for a bit, which should help with your eating/exercising/smoking/spending issues. Trouble was that hypnoT was even more expensive than regular Ts; probably because it's supposed to be shorter term.

It was a gym session, so I did 3x10mins of cardio and some weight machines. The cardio was the worst bit: I'm so unfit! I expected the guy to be more encouraging though, but he just told/showed me what to do and then went off to talk to the guys about the Olympics... :s Anyway I'm seeing the physio on Monday for some exercises for my hips and core, which are apparently shockingly weak! LOL Then I'm going to the gym with my brother Wednesday and then seeing this guy next Friday, which I think is a reasonable amount of exercise for someone who hates any form of exercise!!

The plan is to go back to Uni and ask for another referral as I can't do the full 12 weeks here. Then, hopefully, I will have built exercise into my routine and have enough momentum to maintain it. It will be harder without someone to force me to go (I feel obligated to show up for this guy), but maybe I can go with my housemate or something so we can motivate each other?

My parents don't really understand all the crazy so I tend to keep them at arm's length about how I'm feeling. Plus I want to protect them so they won't worry about me as much. As they don't have that to guide them, they tend to use my behaviour as a sign. So sleeping in 'til midday and then taking naps, which I'm currently doing though not napping every day, makes them nervous for when I go to Uni and they can't keep an eye on me and nag me to get up etc.

I think my course starts in mid-September, but I've had no paperwork to tell me, which stresses me out as I like to plan things and know things in advance. I'll be living with a friend I've lived with before for 3 years with no arguments, so I don't have to worry about house stress. Plus I'm taking my doggy with me to encourage me to get out of the house. Mostly I'm looking forward to distancing myself from the family dramas and getting away from my younger siblings, who are currently on school holidays and DRIVING ME MAD!!! Grrr!

*Willow*

I don't know. They'll probably cut me a check. We're only allowed to accumulate so much time, and this will put me waaayyyy over.

This is why I don't understand why it's taking so long. The math is easy.

July 2006-September 2006, they shorted me 3 personal leave hours/month. October 2006-September 2011, they shorted me 3.5 personal leave hours/month. October 2011-July 2012 (yes, even the month after I notified them they shorted me), they shorted me 4 personal leave hours per month.

Sick leave, they shorted me 2 hours per month for all months.

So, (3 x 3) + (5 x 12 x 3.5) + (10 x 4) = 9 + 210 + 40 = 259 hours personal leave. And 2 x (3 + 60 + 10) = 146 hours sick leave.

See, there's the math in 2 minutes. The only questions are, are they going to give it to me in time or cash, and if in cash, how much per hour?

They keep saying it's going to take so much work to figure this all out, but really it's simple. Twenty minute's work. Tops.

Thanks, Willow.