Roll Call Twelve

I'm so frustrated and blah... so I play this little match 3 game and I know it reads my mind. Every timeI set up to get everything just right it gives me like 12 of the wrong pieces and once it's all ruined then It gives me the piece I needed... or it knows I don't need a piece right then, like a rare piece, so it gives me like 5 in a row.... and I just am so mad because I watch as my high scores go away. I used to be really good at this game... now then I googled "my video game is reading my midn to thwart my next move" and 0 things came up.... 0....

So... you know, I've known since I was a kid games read your midn and they get to know you and they know it's you playing and I used to be okay with that but now it's like... geez... I just want to relax on my break....

Sorry I had to ven....

I bleeping hate bleeping incompetent liar idiot brainlessness. There's this person we have been working with for about a year and said that my brother can get up to $5,000 for his business to start it up. But she never understood anything about technology, or pretty much anything else about anything useful. I think she has a lower IQ than me if that is physically possible. Now she says that my brother has to work in a real job for 10 YEARS before they even consider helping us. The thing is my brother is disabled and this company is supposed to help people with disabilities to become successful. Well, in my family "successful" doesn't compute because nothing ever helps. I've had so many bleeping high hopes on this person, that person or another person. Many PEOPLE have promised things to us, it starts of well and then completely NOTHING. My trust is zero. All people want to do is hurt you. Kill you. Take your money and run. Lie to you. Steal from you. How many good people are there on this planet? Maybe 100 TOTAL. I have come to this Earth to observe the pathetic human race and I am not impressed in what I am seeing. There is no so called "intelligent" life here. Every person looks scary to me. It is a painful existence. There was so called "good news" a few days ago with another person. They work at Microsoft. That's good, right? He works closely with autism. OK. Good. But I won't be tricked again. Yay. He gave my brother a tablet for free, but its because Microsoft wants my brother to make his app for them. He is also promising to get us into events. Well, I've heard that from previous people that we've worked with. At first its great! We get into the events and then they don't do diddly squat anymore. They promise investors. We have been talking to many, many investors that just gave advice and that is literally it. Not one person wants to help him. As for the SSI there is still no formal decision but I bet like all the others, its a big fat NO. No one wants to help us, our deteriorating ways. Nothing except total darkness and hopelessness. The fact of depression and realism. This is what its about. All these "people" have taught me not to trust. Bullies throughout my life taught me the same thing, not to trust. The criminals that shot a bullet into my house, stole from my house, and the other criminal did the unthinkable. Pretended to "like" me as a friend and after awhile RAPED me when I was just 11 years old. I HATE people. I WANT world war 3 to wipe them all out of this planet, and i don't mind if it wipes me out as well. Yes, Hell and demons are very real. I've seen them. But I've seen angels as well. I won't get into that now. Just too realistic.

ssi for you? or family member?

yes demons are real. angels are real. ive seen them

my therapist seemed really bothered by me talking of religion today so i feel bad

but thng is is that i told her i saw a dark energy on her side when i last saw her. and she said "interesting" she said she had illness on that side so i said "maybe im psychic/religious helping instead of mental illness?". she said im still mentally ill!!! that it was prob hallucination!!! and the demons hallucinations!!!

I already have SSI. Its my brother that we have been fighting for for over a year. Yes, I do agree that demons and angels are real. I don't think its a hallucination but my psychiatrist won't agree with me. She always makes sure to say I'm psychotic. Well most of the time. Just because we see things that others don't doesn't mean its not real. Maybe we are seeing into the dimension that they come from, but I am afraid that I will end up in Hell. I am terrified of Hell. That is what stops me from committing suicide most of the time, along with wanting to see what technology is coming. There are light energies and dark energies. I know that some people see that I have a light energy, but i just know I am darkness. Maybe they know I want to help people, in at least a way. I've helped my friend, actually saved his life from committing suicide. I don't want to hurt people, maybe that is what they are sensing. I would never hurt someone physically. But uncontrollable powers have hurt billions. I can feel things and sense things that others don't. I see connections in everything from birds flying patterns to Internet sites relating to others no matter how unrelated they seem at the time. Everything is connected, but that bothers me. This means everything is set in stone, I am destined to fail. But yet I am very powerful in other ways. Dark ways. Its just I don't trust this Earth. There are other Universes. They are connected to us, but there is infinite possibilities. For Earth there are other possibilities. Some "Earths" have not yet experienced world war 1 or 2. Some are at total peace. The one I am from technology is far ahead even though its just the year 1984. I realize HERE its 2013. But technology wise it isn't impressive. The Dow will hit at least 17,000 here. Maybe as high as 18,000 unless something goes horribly wrong. Have you heard of "starseeds?" This is why I don't belong on this "Earth." There are many things that remain the same on most of the other
"Earths." Of course there are other planets that can sustain life. I see events that others don't see. I know most people would just quick to label it "psychotic" or "delusional." I am becoming more aware of what I can do each year, more detailed. This is why I'm connected to planets all along. I have written about planets a lot even on here. Once when I was not aware of my surroundings (this will sound weird but still) I was literally between both worlds, I couldn't react normally. Floating there in space, not knowing what to do. I hope this doesn't sound too weird. And yes the war is still coming, the Chosen Ones will fight and it relates to my power. I hate it.

i see everything connected too. like birds. and patterns in stuff. well birds talk to me but

i told my therapist i think im havig a religious crisis cuz the demons and she just said i was mentally ill

What's weird is even though I talk about demons and angels I'm not that religious. I even see it in myself. When I look in the mirror I don't recognize myself. There are times that I look like a zombie, an alien, deformed, or even looking like a demon. Once it looked like a monkey. The birds movements are very important for this planet. Each movement means something. Sometimes they put on a show just for me, other times they warn me of impending disaster or bad luck. I am truly sorry of your therapist. My pdoc also dismisses everything I experience as psychosis. This is how people view mental illness, just that we are crazy with no future and will become homeless. Or that we are dangerous animals according to the news and the media. It is sad a horrible feeling. Some people do experience religious things, and its meaningful to that person. Sometimes it is downright horrifying, especially if you are seeing demons. The angel helped me, it was a soothing voice and high pitched. It sounded beautiful. but the demons I see especially when I'm outside or travelling to a store. I live in the middle of nowhere. So it takes awhile to get anywhere. I see the demons jumping from tree to tree, but they are red with horns. I can sense they are dark energy. Their is a blackness in their "heart" if they even have one. With the angels I see them glowing with white light. I feel safe when an angel shows up. Even though I have lived through a LOT of evil, there were a lot of miracles as well that can't be explained any other way than angels at our side. When I was young (I probably wrote about this story already) at 5 and below I was much more severe in my autism. While I wasn't completely non-verbal, I only said a few words and didn't want friends or anything. No eye contact. But a true miracle happened when I was 7. I wanted a dog because I obsessed about the movie Lady and the Tramp. So I got a dog, but it wasn't the same kind of dog from the movie believe it or not. Literally the day after I got her, I started talking for the first time. Before the dog, I would go into the back of the bus not wanting to sit next to anyone, just by myself. But this time I sat in the front of the bus sitting next to someone for the first time. I was in the local paper because of this. And now I speak at autism conferences. Well its been awhile since I did that, but when I move I hope to get back into it. Now when people first meet me, they don't know that I am autistic, until they get to know me more. And there was so many times that mom should have died, but lived through it all! Well so far.

do you talk a lot?
you seem to talk a lot.
or have a lot to say.

Yes, I talk a lot. I also have a lot to say. Other times I don't talk as often.

i have to put out another 30 dollars for my cat.

i really dont have the money. this is killing me. like the money. is killing me.

im under so much stress right now. sh_t.

ive got a migrain and feel nauseaous.

I believe in demons, angels, ghosts, psychic energy, all that stuff. I believe it's both real and there are also frauds out there who take advantage. But, it isn't just a fake thing or imaginary. It's just not like people expect it to be.

But, Newtus, I think it's possibble you were able to see the darkness of her illness and it wasn't a hallucination. I mean, that whole religious or spiritual thing is really iffy with psychologists. Because, sure, there are times when I think things like that are hallucinations or delusions. but again, I fully believe that there are times when it is not. AND, I believe that people with psychosis are conntected to things in a way that people without are not, and can't understand. Remember, at one time you would have been the healer, seer, shaman, or whatever... that's just how it is. Even my MIL's ex-husband who is this super down to earth guy says people with bipolar have a connection beyond what most people understand, and see things others don't. The issue is that everyone downplays the positive things about us and gives us the "sick person" card....

So... anyway, I'm sort of rambling but really, don't expect your psychologist to get it. Even if you ahve psychosis I think you can still be psychic....

I used to see a ghost when I was younger, it was my granddad. Wish I could still see him now

Newtus

I hate money, too, Newtus.

Maybe rest for a while. Do you have any Sprite or anything to help your stomach?

its just said i wanna help my cat but after awhile i cant afford it.

i might have some sparkling water or lime juice from my soda stream but i dont really drink sodas.

i thought i could see the darkness in her illness too. i really do. when she said that.

when she said that it turned me 180. i KNEW then that i was something more than just mentally ill.

i almost want to bring this up to a church because im so curious this could be aomething more than what people think of me around me but idk. i told my dad and he agrreed i could have more than whats being said but he still thinks im mentally ill too.

i kinda wanna tell my mom

Before you bring it up to a church learn about the church and what their beliefs are. In the end it depends on who the people are and what they believe vs. what type of church it is. For example, I was raised Roman Catholic, and my family was immigrant Italians who were farmers. So, a lot of traditions and stuff we have are actually really ancient, pre-church things that evolved and eventually were lost. So, see talking to my family is different than talking to others of the same church.

It's up to you if you tell your mom.

Woke up with a splitting headache, had a stressful morning... and i'm just not in the mood to deal with people this morning, like patients who are just jerks but I have to smile and take their abuse..

it didnt go well

she told me people can bring them in and i told them i saw them in her house and i think shes trying to say i brought them into her house and she doesnt thing im anythign but mentally ill.

she said if you feel them so strong here dont come here anymore

i never had a good relationship with her ever

i regret telling her. i sense so much negative energy from her. i regret even talking to her most times about anything. weather. how i feel. whats shes doing. whatever.

i really want to develop my understanding and experience of this but im afraid too. because dont want to be taken as a liar or that im just mentally ill but thats what everyone thinks now.

this is a disaster. complete disaster.

:,( i become passionate about a couple of things. the supernatural and religion and government and no one sees past my mental illness. so i feel i need to just shut up.

i wish i was never diagnosed

I'm sorry you have such a hard relationship with your mom. I know it's important to you that you had a better relationship. But, the thing is, it's not your fault your relationship with her. From the things you say she has some issues of her own it seems and maybe doesn't deal with them, which makes her not such a good mom. But, it's not your fault at all.

Don't regret telling her, even though she reacted bad. Because, you know, you're doing yoru part to reach out and be a good daughter and share your thoughts and experiences with her. Which is exactly the point of having parents.... You didn't do anything wrong telling her.

See... like with my dad, it eventually got to a point where I didn't tell him a lot of things. He never knew I was diagnosed with bipolar. He never knew all the stuff I had been through. Because, you know, I knew he would react badly either in dismissing, freaking out, or lecturing.... so... I just gave up... but, I still wished I could tell him and wished he would just be a dad instead of have to put his own stuff into it. You know?

...i want recognition in religious/supernatural and government conspiracy circles.

I don't know how to find those circles but they must be out there.

everyone thinks im just mentally ill

i wish i was never dxd with sz