Roll Call 17

Its been snowing a lot here. I know snow is beautiful, but I don't like being stuck at home all day long. At the same time however, outside sucks because people talk about me in their conversations. Nothing is perfect. Mom still is having severe health problems but I swear she has a lack of insight for medical illnesses. She usually waits to do something about the problem when it becomes life threatening. I keep telling her to go to the hospital. Last year with a health problem it got so bad that her temperature reached over 105 and the cellulitis covered a lot of her body. She needed emergency surgery. Right now her legs are so swollen its excruciating pain along with severe spasms in her back. She can barely walk. Yes she is going to a doctor tomorrow, but why did it take so long if she started this problem awhile back? The pipe isn't 100% fixed and because of the snow and yet we still wanted them to come over, they were in a minor car accident. So its our fault. If our pipe didn't break it would never have happened. WE ARE CURSED.

To everyone who is having a bad time, I hope you get better. It seems a lot of people are struggling at the same time.

firebird - its like the energy of the earth consumes us all at the same time. negative or positive.

Sounds like a prison rather than a hospital! Gee! I'm real sorry you had to experience that.

it is. thats the thing.its like a weird hospital where they transport you from holding unit to holding unit until you actually get admitted. otherwise your stuck in the holding units until further notice. which could be any day. last time i was there i was in a holding unit for 3 days before i stayed the actual 7 days in their facility. its so worthless. got me shaken up.

It sounds like a state hospital. Those are always horrible.

its not one but it does sound like one!

Has anyone felt like their IQ/Intelligence have dropped since developing a mental illness? I defiantly felt like mine has. Especially with school. I don't know if it's apart of growing up and realizing that I'm not as smart as I thought I was or my mental illness.

i have felt that way. idk what it is from either. i think my mental illness. but i used to be a lot smarter i think. i took an IQ test online once and year later did it again and it went down 11 points. not that IQ tests online are good reference but it was good enough for me to see.

Yeah mine dropped between 10-20 points...

Is it the meds?
Bean is losing her ability to learn and remember things. Short and long term memory. I.think she has the same.problem.

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Yes, definitely.

could be the meds. i didnt think about that.

im still having issues with psychosis even though im slightly depressed

It has gotten so bad.
The other day she yelled at me to come look....a plane exploded in the sky.
I ran to the window and looked up where she was pointing.
All I saw was a white line in the sky that jets make when they are flying.
She has seen this hundreds of times in her life but insisted it was from a plane exploding.
I had to teach her all over again about how jets cause this.
This is only one example. I could give you dozens.
Like having to re teach her how to brush her teeth every couple of days.

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You know this is actually one of the hardest things to deal with...you never actually know what is the meds unless you can get off of them...I actually haven't taken an iq test since getting off the meds but I know they decreased my ability to read fiction but not non fiction for some reason..they also changed my interests subtly...what I found fun or not music job whatever. They also enhanced some skills like typing...not sure why...but compared to active psychosis I think they enhanced my memory and stuff. I mean you basically don't know what is you,what is the illness and what is meds until something changes...

i feel like i live a double life or in a secret world. like i never told anyone ever that im on this site. and like my facebook has gangstalking posts and targeted individual posts all over and i genuinely believe im gangstalked/targeted but i dont tell anyone but you guys. stuff like that is what makes me think im living a double life or secret world. im a spy.

i believe i am a spy

On her new med (thorazine) her mental clairity has improved but still....these symptoms...
And its interesting what you said about reading. All testing shows she cannot read a paragraph and understand it yet she reads large fiction books and loves them so yes, fiction is no problem but non fiction she seems not to understand.
All talents and hobbies are gone too. She can cope for about 5 minutes and then it is too much for her to handle.
I would love to take her off all meds forever if that is what is causing her IQ to go down. I have always been anti med.
But then I remember how she was before. She has been in psychosis literally most of her life with just short periods of being in the 'real world'. I would get rid of all the damn meds but I dont want her to go back to that.

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Im sorry you are feeling this way newtus.
I wish there was something I could.say to make you feel better.

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i truly believe im a spy tho. look at my life. im hiding things from everyone. everyone thinks im doing better but im not. and im hiding my gangstalking from family members.

Maybe you just learned to tell them what they want to hear so they will leave you alone. You learned to fake what they want you to be.

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maybe i have. everyone thinks im getting better but i still have hallucinations and paranoia. that stuff will never go away from me.

note to self: psychosis is here to stay. it will never go away. i cant keep it at bay. learn to live with it.

(((hugs))) newtus. You have had a rough few days. You are fragile right now but you are also a strong woman who always picks herself back up. You got this.

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its just weird because i *know* im supposed to be "psychotic" but i believe everything i see and hear and whats happening to me like gangstalking