Roll Call 17

i had a dream that i thought up a brand of crackers called Schizophrenic crackers. little cheeze-it type crackers. actually it was called Receptionists and it had bipolar flavored crackers and schiz flavored crackers. lol

My 11 year old sister is having such delusional episodes I can't even explain she's in her own world and last night I couldn't snap her out of it. She has a fever so that would explain it.

I have been hallucinating more than usual when I wake up such as seeing a couple things like my dad but he eventually fades away.

I kept hearing my sisters voice then I didn't know if it was her real voice or not or if she was beside me and I got really angry very angry and she always comes into my room normal but I don't know how to react my mom told me to act normal to her when she's like that but I dunno just an aspie thing to get angry because i dont understand such a paranormal situation like shes possessed and tell her to go to bed when she tells me to go upstairs delusional thinking there's something upstairs and there isn't. But I wasn't fully awake yet I actually had I dream that I was drunk and thought I woke up hungover.

I handled that very poorly but I learn.

Yesterday was so cool! I had a surprise birthday party! I know my birthday isn't until the 19th but that's in the middle of the week and it makes more sense to have it on the weekend. My parents have been planning it for awhile. All my friends were there. It temporarily lifted my mood as my friends usually do. I'm still depressed though after the party was over. My mom's condition is still getting worse. Her leg is still swelling bigger and bigger each day. I hear voices but its more in the background. I don't think it will ever totally go away. I've had so many psychotic episodes in my life it isn't funny. Some I was hospitalized for. Actually 10 times. Some I wasn't hospitalized for but I should have, including when I was young.

I hope everyone's doing fine or getting better. Good luck!

I wonder if you are having an allergic reaction to the Celexa?

Does anyone ever get random thoughts that ring around your head for minutes or sometimes hours? I think they're called ruminating thoughts but I'm not sure. I've not had them since I started on my medication but I used to get them a lot. It's like when you have a song stuck in your head but instead of a song it's words, it's weird and kinda hard to explain.

Also sometimes the thoughts are really loud, and kind of block or overpower your normal thoughts. It can be anything too, sometimes it's a conversation or sometimes it's just sentences and words that repeat themselves. Sorry if I'm not explaining this clearly enough

no i think its just a migraine because i got out today and the stress went away. but it may come back.

i want some burritos

i might take my celexa at night cause i think its double draining my energy. also im really rethinking that new pdoc. deep thinking about it.

Ahh...That might work. A lot of meds that cause nausea or tiredness are taken at night so that by morning, symptoms are less. Try it! It may help with the headaches.

Yeah, I take my Paxil at nighttime too.

i dont think my severe migraine was from celexa tho. ive had severe migraines simce i was 9. where i throw up and stuff. eyes get watery. etc.

all i wonder about it is it draining my energy

Lol... 8:00 pm here and I finally got out of my room. To eat no less but I'm out of my room.

D@~^ bird noises in my head.

So I was harassed by the demons again last night. Touching, biting, breathing, moving around my room, etc. It's really stressful. I just feel so helpless when they come because there's nothing I can do to make them go away... at least nothing that wouldn't wake up my mom. I'm afraid to go to bed. I know this is not a dream or a panic attack. I am wide awake when it happens. They just wait until I'm vulnerable (lights off, glasses off) to strike. I ended up sleeping with the light on both nights and it still didn't help much.

I had a bad night like this recently. I just kept saying "Jesus" over and over. I watched a demon fade away. Praying helps me. Maybe you can try this.

I'm really disappointed with this weekend honestly. Usually they are cram packed with events and when I'm not busy with that, I'm with friends. Big change from how it used to be.

I woke up at 5AM on saturday to go to a debate tournament. I took a shower, did my makeup, got completely ready before I read that we were supposed to have loaded the bus at 5:15AM not 6:15AM like I thought... Needless to say, I was really frustrated and sad and went back to bed. I was looking forward to competing again really badly. I seriously did just about nothing that entire day... slept mostly. Didn't practice my instruments or do homework. I kept trying to make plans with my friends at one of their apartments for that night, were gonna have a little shindig... Didn't work out.

Today though, I had to drive 3 hours in total for symphony practice and a lesson with my professor at the university. The lesson was good but since I came into the orchestra late some d-bag from the back rows took my spot (second chair as I had earned in the tests) so I was forced to sit in the very back of the cello section where I couldn't concentrate and didn't feel challenged like I do first stand.

I dunno, I'm just rather bummed after having such high expectations. There's no school tomorrow though due to President's day and later that evening I might get to see a friend. Fingers crossed.

its 60 outside this morning. no migraine! whoo!
but im having a lot of paranoia. i had paranoia that i was being followed by police when i was driving home yesterday.

I'm sorry about this. My MIL had a demon experience with hearing breathing over her and laughing. She had all the lights on when I woke up. This was Saturday night. It's so scary when it happens.

i had a pdoc appt today. he told me i basically need to eat better and exercise. and becuz im a girl is why i dont like my weight. said im gaining weight because im mentally healthier. said i was starving myself when i was "sick".

the exercise and eat better is good advice but NOT FOR MY SITUATION.

i was NOT starving myself. and this injection is not the answer for everything!!!

I've seen the pictures you've posted here and you don't look like someone who was starving yourself. Not at all....

And what a sexist comment that you only worry about your weight because you're a girl... because men don't care if they are fat? Really? men get low self-esteem and feel bad when they gain weight and feel unattractive too....

I mean, it's known that weight gain is often a side effect with meds.... My MIL always says "you tell the doctor you are depressed so they put you on a pill that makes you fat in an attempt to cure it."

I remember this doc telling you something stupid about food before, but I don't remember exactly what.

Eating better and exercise might help you feel better and I mean, it's good for everyone. Heck, I need to eat better and exercise more. But... geez... he could be more tactful...

Just to give you a contrast I had gained ten pounds and was pissy about it with my pdoc and he was just like oh well I haven't noticed any changes---it ticked me off but as a guy I feel like they are in a tight spot to talk about any woman's weight change but yeah my friends told him I was so thin etc before I checked into the hospital but I had only lost 2 pounds so I think he thought I was healthier too---thanks (not!).

he told me to blend my food when i said i had a hard time chewing and swallowing as a side effect from meds. go figure.

my bmi is actually a little too high for my height. just a bit. on the high end.

and i wasnt starving myself. i was still eating hamburgers and pizza and stuff at 105 pounds but i didnt gain weight. ITS THE MEDS. wow cant believe this pdoc.

he says i need to put shampoo in my hair and wash it. ok then just please stop. i think he expects me to wear makeup while im at it in order to see that im doing FINE.

and my dad thinks this doc is just so good and i that i need to "obey" him. but i might change docs.