Roll Call 18

Yeah, I miss summertime really bad. Much more stuff to do when the weather is warm. Being stuck inside my house all the time just isn't fun.

my moms neighbors have their window boarded up. its weird. im not use to being this close to people where i live.

Im not used to neighbors either. That would be weird.
We lived in town in an apartment for 2-3 months last year when in between selling a house.
The bedrooms were on the second floor and I always forgot to shut the shades because I wasn't used to having neighbors .
I didn't realize I was getting undressed in front of everyone that could see me in town!
Omg. That was embarrassing.

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hahahaha!!!

Hahaha laugh it up Newtus! funny huh?

Yeah it was.
I did that for like 2 or 3 months without realizing it.

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Holy ****, that's awful. Lol.

lol that's why you should close your blinds.

im just wondering how u didnt notice it after one or two times.

I'm not psychotic but if my thoughts don't stop racing sometime soon I'm going to go crazy. I'm already worried about my lack of sleep tipping me into psychosis and my thoughts racing around in my head is just not helpful. I'm so sick of this.

I'm also really irritable, my tolerance for... basically anything ... is shot. I am in a very good and very bad mood all at the same time. This is stupid and I feel like I shouldn't post about it.

is there anything you can do to help your sleep atypical?

Thanks for the hugs Punky I guess it went well in the sense that he was nice and nothing bad happened, but it didn't go well in the sense that my crappy situation hasn't gotten any better. I wish I could do what Newtus did and change pdocs and not forward the old pdoc's notes, but I'd have to move address for that to happen.

I know you've said before that you don't have sza, but it sounds to me like the Geodon is making you a bit manic!? Could you talk to pdoc about it?

Everything sucks at home lately It's not just me with my problems and feeling insignificant (if I set myself on fire no one would even notice!). Mum's liver symptoms are getting worse again. My parents keep having massive rows with my 17yo brother over just about everything (I really wish he would just leave like he keeps threatening). Plus my sister is still a massive PITA. And my Mum had a big argument with my SIL about numerous things, and my SIL said that the reason she's always playing with her phone when she meets us isn't because she's rude, but because all we do is moan!!! Wtf?! Apparently all she wants is sunshine and rainbows...well she's marrying into the wrong family then!

I'm supposed to be having a shower this evening but I really cba because I feel so sad about everything, but that means I'll be in trouble with my parents, and the OT, and the psychologist when I see him (who only wants to see me cos the OT said I was showering and getting up early, and now I'm doing neither again).

I'm sorry for moaning here. I really wish my life was all sunshine and rainbows so that I wouldn't be so negative all the time, but it's not

*Willow*

That kinda sounds like me when I'm mixed... It feels awful Please keep posting if you want.

*Willow*

Nothing's really been helping, I've tried everything I can think of.

Can Geodon even cause mania? I'm definitely going to talk to my pdoc about this on Monday. It's possible that I have sza, it's just not certain right now because my pdoc's only really seen me present with psychotic symptoms and not mood ones. At least not to my knowledge anyway, maybe she has noticed and I just didn't realize it or something.

I could be mixed, I looked it up and yeah it does sound like my current state of mind. It's so weird. I feel silly posting about all this stuff because I've been in denial about my bipolar symptoms for so long that now I just feel like I'm making an *** out of myself.

edited to add: I just looked up geodon and mania... yeah, it can activate it in people who are already prone to it. Weird.

A quick google search reveals that yes Geodon can cause mania. I'm glad you're seeing pdoc on Mon. Hopefully she'll know what to suggest.

Don't feel silly I know you've been pretty adamant in the past that you don't have a mood component, but things change over time and sometimes we don't realise what's going on with us or it could just be the Geodon, who knows?! I hope you feel better soon

*Willow*

Thank you. It's just ugh, this is totally embarrassing! Lol. Oh well. I'm kind of thinking back on my earlier posts and I just want to laugh because I don't know why I cared so much about it. I guess I just didn't want extra meds or something I don't know.

It's crazy how many things can change. I think I may have had the mood component for awhile but nobody's noticed it or identified it properly. That includes myself, because I'm really horrible at keeping track of my moods. I got a mood tracker app on my phone to kind of see how that turned out. I've been using it since July and um... I'm all over the place. Up and down, normal, up and down. My life feels like a roller coaster and I want to get off. This is messy.

I was diagnosed with sza last year at some point, it wasn't the first time I'd been diagnosed with it either. Props to denial being oh so useful. Because you know, if you pretend a problem isn't there then it'll go away! Alas... no ...

Don't be embarrassed, I can relate! I came out of hospital with the determined attitude that if they could pretend my symptoms didn't exist, well then so could I!! And how long did it last before it all came crashing in on me?! Lol Just be honest with pdoc on Mon and take it from there. You seem to have a good one!

*Willow*

its ok about being sza atypical. it really is. ive been diagnosed with sza because i was depressed. but ive also gotten chronic paranoid schizophrenia. my moods are not certain with a diagnosis but i know i have schizophrenia. if there is a strong mood component then its with depression with me.

Yeah I know I'm schizo-something regardless of the exact label.

Thanks guys.

I just block everything out around me.
I honestly didnt pay attention. It never occured to me. Not until we were moving...
Stuff like that goes right over my head all the time.

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Its not stupid. Thats how ur feeling.

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Geodone is what sent Bean to the hospital in October. It did that to her. Made her violent and agitated.

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Oh wow, that's not good. That's... unnerving ...

I totally need a cigarette now. lol sorry

i need one too. i thought you quit atypical?

I tried, but I wasn't successful. I'm just not stable enough to quit. You kinda have to be in a good state of mind to quit and I'm just not there yet.

God, I'm so glad I never took up smoking.