[Yismymindblank12]

I got my heart ripped open being ignored, medically ill, hopefully I can get my muscle relaxers soon. I can't form or have any relationship or rationally take a girl with conviction and just do me and be happy have a true friend without my psychosis crippling my everyday. I can't live sleep or day any simple function without seeing things, falling down, hearing things, losing my mind to what it was as a very young child. I don't I'll recover ever again. The coma made it worse and even if I'm ok. I just want to die, because I don't have a safe place not in my mind, not in public, not in private, never had a true relationship. My psychosis thoughts and behaviors which I have no control over doesn't harm other people, just scares them, and because of that. I can't help it no matter what drugs or methods I've tried everyday. I don't get the love and attention I need I don't it all never had sufficient feelings of anything I ask for it nope ignored. Beg for it looked down upon as nothing. Try to reason and be careful, **** up every time. I don't want to live, because I can't do anything right, with my medical problems with my psych midas well put the gun to my temple. I don't deserve this abuse. I'm tired of waiting, I worked hard enough and too much to receive any love. I don't get it from my mom friends no one, I'm always ignored. I'm alone in my room like I was all my life. I don't have true friends because they're all made up. I don't believe I'm a guy it's how I felt all my life. I want be a girl, I'm done being abused because people treat me like I deserve it when I'm just asking for love. I don't hit people, I take my anger out on myself, because people show me resentment. I want to die, because I'm like every other suicidal kid, I'm always in physical pain, and now more emotional pain to add my life's full of it. I'm done trying, I did so much put a lot of energy never was worth it. If no human thinks anything I do is worth it, maybe I should off myself. I'm just a crazy **** to people who wants attention, and should die a miserable ugly man's death. I'm over exagerative ***** don't mind me *****ing, save someone else who has a brain a body worth saving. I'm a lesser human being to anyone online in person, even if I seem nice. I'm obviously what people think of me when I try to deny it. I don't want to be alive, why don't they just kill me off now and say good riddance, because I'm done being hit I'm done being lied to. I'm done not affording food or anything. Done being a dog, done living with a broken sick body now. I'm done just ****ing done. I have no patience anymore. The heart of people never existed either you ***** yourself out or **** someone over that's all my life was towards me. My frickin life is being told to be guilty and feel sorry for other people, because I don't deserve any pity. According to my mom my friends and girls I like, obviously I'm a negative ****** person. I should die by there hands they pick my death, because obviously this is torture and form of mental slavery. I never felt dehumanized in a matter of a decade. I don't want anything, it's hurts too bad to get anything. I'm like a starving person whose given a huge meal but can't eat one bite without getting sick. I have been starving myself, because I have no choice, not much food to choose from even if all our bills go to everything else except food which I have lost progessively bout 30 lbs all together in a year. Lost 15 last month from not eating. I try so hard, nothing I can do now to grow just wither and die. I'm not being negative for the sake of negativity I'm out of options don't know what I'll hear. If it makes you angry what I say, I probably deserved it. My heart has been broken the last time, I trust people too easy when I don't want to, my body forces it. I just want to die when I love someone, like I really want to die. I don't want to commit to any friendship or love at all no matter if I'm good at it, it's because my psychosis is too much for people and I can't help it anymore with or without meds. I just tried countless meds nothing helps. I'm sick nuerologically, I'm afraid of parkinsons is all too real now. I wanted to do music and be transgender and have a life as a polyamorous person. I had so much, It gets thrown away, when I can't recognize anything. It's like my life never existed and the room spins fast, everything turns to a nightmare, I get drunk physically from my body. It aches alot muscles are always stiff and in pain, I had tremors. I hallucinate all the time in every way. I feel like vomitting everything out. I just want to die, because of this abuse. The ignorance and apathetic behavior of others towards me is too much, I don't want to be a human. I want to be dead, they say they love me, but never shown it. I haven't seen it. I don't want anything anymore. Just rest

[faerie_moon_x]

Things sound pretty hard for you right now. I wasn't able to read the whole thing but I understand being suicidal. I've been suicidal since I was a kid. And I understand being bullied and having toxic friends. I know what it is to feel like no one care in the whole world. I also had the problem of trusting too soon. Even after all the betrayal and heartbreak I still struggle with that.

Do you have anyone at all you can turn to? A teacher once saved me from the brink. He wasn't even my teacher for any classes, just one walking down the hall who happened to come across me alone and crying in the library after school. Sometimes you find help in unexpected places. A doctor? Do you have a therapist?

Loneliness is a terrible thing. Don't give up, time changes things. I know it's hard but you can make it through.

[Gr3tta]

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I do NOT believe you deserve this. Please do not give up on yourself.

[Yismymindblank12]

I have no support ever. Everyone denies because they don't understand psychosis. I'm really sad, I had no support from my parent's friend and anyone who I met medically and therapy wise. I am tired being talked down to when I can't help it. I just want to be loved by these people, but be left in this regret of being alive, because I'm not good enough to be positive for them. I am always positive and happy and when I can't help this. I get treated like ****. I don't have successful relationships, and this is so severe it's very crippling. I can't take it, I just want my body to and my psychosis to stop trying to kill me. I didn't deserve this, I fight it all the time alone. I don't have anyone, I wish I did.

[Yismymindblank12]

I can't go to college, my therapist I rarely see, I am under provided with care, and insurance doesn't give a **** too be honest I'm too expensive to live in their eyes. I feel like less of a human from this. I don't want my life to be trapped from this. I'm climbing out desperately the best I can, that's all I can do no one has accepted it. I'm just forced to be like this. I am probably have to be on dissability and go through vocational intensive therapy, since my parents can't help me nor I can financially help myself from my movement disorder and other neuro stuff and my psychosis. No one believes me unless I'm out cold dead or I have to do something incredible or look normal to social norms when I cannot at all. It's not fair. I don't like it, but I put up with it all the time I respect people the best of my abilities. I hate psychosis, because you won't be taken seriously no matter what you say. If you're really sick no one can tell, unless you die in front of them. It's already down to that. I'm just waiting to die from my medical stuff so people can take care of me for once.

[Gr3tta]

you have endured so much and tried so hard. It is not fair. You deserve to find some relief and some quality of life. Please keep trying, you deserve a chance.

[jeppys]

you may not like what I have to say but all the love you will ever need is inside of you. you have to want to find it. if you want to find darkness you will. if you want to find love you will. spend your time using your psychosis to concentrate on feeling well and happy. it has been the hardest fight of my life but I am making progress.

[Yismymindblank12]

i do that all the time. It bothers me alot when people don't understand that and don't understand how I do that. I'm sane now for how long idk. I found out it's medical the dopamine levels caused my medical issues. I do believe now parkinson's disease is definitely apart of this. I already been told bout my dopamine levels over and over agin. I have a movement disorder now and being checked for other things. I found this out it's so easy to think about after reading and knowing so much over many years and people don't understand it's a disease of my body killing itself with the good chemical I went unconscious when I smoked weed too much thc converting to dopamine in my brain short circuited the functions causing me to go blind and blackout in a coma. It's obvious now that this can kill. I know cause it almost happened and it's getting worse my back is always in pain my shoulders and muscles are always stiff and life is very painful to do alot of things. I don't make it a crutch they call me the negative nancy when they don't want to help or understand to help they rather talk to me down and expect me to get better tomorrow when they are too ignorant in stupid ******** and not care to learn what's going on. My parents doctors and friends don't take it seriously. I almost to the point. I want to file a lawsuit towards my lack of care and the poor quality I got from this. They don't care unless I am dead which I've seen that behavior where people suddenly care bout someone who kills themself or dies in some way tragically at that moment, but never showed it before this only applies to people who don't know and choose ignorance which in my case it's everyone. I want to say I can do it. I do say it, it's everyone else treating me like I can't do anything, but tell me to get up. This is led to me being in very bad situations and nearly fatal accidents because of that neglegance I want to file a lawsuit to the medical people. They blow me off didn't compensate or nothing they just rob me blind while my body deteriorates. I a experiencing it everyday with this crap. I had it, I don't know what to do, because even if I did some things all by myself I have to rely on some people for help which I don't have options with that. So I don't know if I have to convince people or die. Idk which one. I just want to be told I can runaway and no one can come after me no cops no federal agents no friends no parents. I can just go and do things alone somewhere else. I've done much better alone than with people.

[Yismymindblank12]

Now things are really out of wack. I don't know everything doesn't feel real. I don't know if when I sleep or awake if I'm actually conscious the whole time or when I had the "coma" I actually died, and this is my death, which sounds rediculous. I honestly don't know, I'm more than confused where I'm at now. I just want to sleep but not feeling well at all. I feel like if this person I care bout doesn't like me. I'll die in my insanity. I don't feel safe, anything feels like it leads into the sameplace every time I wake up. I always have the same dream now of being in a themepark that's rotted and abanedoned some of the rides still work and some don't. Then somehow the park somehow closes the gates locking me in and a monster gets me with in the confides of the park being run by no one. It's next to a city which people are at, but somehow the theme park is a really bad place to be at. I hate the dream it reflects my days now it feels the same awake and asleep. So idk, I literally lost my reality recently anyways, back to bed.

[Gr3tta]

Parkinson's and other movement disorders often take a long time to get diagnosed properly, and in the interim th patient suffers horribly. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Sometimes feelings of being "unreal" can be the result of extreme stress - which you are certainly going through! Maybe that is what you are feeling now?
I hope you are able to get some truly restful sleep.

[Yismymindblank12]

That and my body feels like crap all the time. I have the evidence they want more which I know I hate having to endure this and rather get the diagnosis done. I mean, I have doctors from psych and neuro bout my dopamine levels are off, but I just been told I have a movement disorder from a specialist neuro doctor who looks at that stuff for many decades. So putting two and two together. It's not that crazy of an idea that I do have it. I know they are all related, I never made it up. I always went to school as a kid with the numbness had some of the minor symptoms all the time didn't really complain at the time. Also I was one of those kids if I was sick I am sick. I still am, I don't like not going to work school or anything because I am sick. I am very good at doing what I want to do and be persistent, but I suffer that even with or without the diagnosis I have no support to help myself in that when my symptoms happen all the time now going crazy and my parents think I'm just acting out. I can't even describe the pain, I'm not making it up, because it's obvious. I'm not like confused or anything. People expect me to be ok by tomorrow and be happy not worry bout it with psychosis and my medical stuff, quoting "Don't worry bout it man, you'll be fine. You're depressed depression works like this. Don't worry what other people think. I don't understand, but your depressed." They say that to me, when I am sick medically or having a psychotic episode. I'm tired of it, that's not support. It get's worse than that I can't type it out too much more because my coordination is horrible now because of these symptoms. I can't type right. It's not fair, I gotta be in their eyes normal with depression or the flu to be "normal" **** them. It's that mentality that almost got me killed at a party when I was out cold in a coma on the ground hypothermic in 29 degree weather. People thought I was faking it. I didn't know bout that till I was told much much later. That's why I'm afraid of being honest, no one would believe me before or now.