Roll Call 20

Well as a part of the universe I can firmly say you do matter...you're always supporting people on here even when you're not feeling so good yourself and weren't you helping some kids make cool elephants and such....just imagine without you those kids would have never made those elephants or even known something so cool could be made from a milk jug now it will be part of the memories they look back on as they grow up...

Exotic Orchid Garden and other flowers & plants at ProPlants.com
I just sent my mom this fabulous orchid/bromeliad combo planter for April Fool's day I think she will be really surprised it's really because I miss her B-day now because my parents go to Florida for most of the winter and I can't send things to them there and she usually buys an orchid while she's down there but didn't get one this year so I think she'll get a kick out of it. I can kind of sort of picture my dad incorporating it into some April fools joke because he likes to prank her on that day a little bit and I can just see her being like Oh yeah right flowers uh huh...and then oops there they are..

So... remember how I said I think it's actually so obvious something is wrong with me to others? Well today and yesterday twice my co-worker friend who is really nice normally commented on my talking and then again today. Today she said, "I can tell you like your lunch because you're not talking." And everyone laughed.... and I just felt like the crazy person in the room.... I hate it when that happens....

Thanks Cracking

Thanks Faerie Unfortunately these "idiots" hold all the power :/

Thanks Costello

Thanks Sometimes That reminds me I still haven't finished my elephant yet! Yesterday the kids made Mother's Day cards, decorated cakes and the bottom of the milk bottles were made into baskets and decorated for the cake to sit in (Mother's Day is this Sunday in the UK). I made my Mum a milk bottle basket to put my pressie in (I bought her a scarf with birds and gardening equipment/plants on).

Wow! That's really pretty

That really sucks Faerie I know I'd be really upset if that happened to me

My Mum wants to book a trip to France in the summer, but we need to go to the vets tomorrow to find out how long a Pet Passport takes to organise. She mentioned the idea a few weeks ago and wants to go to a place with horse riding (I've always wanted to try this) and kayaking (which I did last time we went away and it was really fun), so I was looking forward to it. But now it's about to become a reality, I'm nervous :/ I don't like going to new places cos it makes me really nervous. Plus with the tracker they implanted in me, they'll be able to follow me abroad, and I'm worried that they'll see me on holiday as proof that I'm faking e.g. I am capable of going to new places etc. And what if Maxy goes missing in a foreign country?!

IDK...I just always find these things are better in theory than in reality :/

*Willow*

Yes, unfortunately Idiots tend to hold power for some reason.... I wish there was a higher power you could complain to about the whole thing, Willow.

http://i.imgur.com/jx4eEtV.jpg

Every time I see any sort of chicken I think of Costello

That is SO cute Sometimes!

idk if its an eticket. its called an itenerary. (sp?) dallas is a hub for American A.

ill def take pics!!!

so i have bad voices right now. not bad really as in evil but more "bad" as in lots.

and it didnt help that i spent time with my mom today and she kept using every euphemism she could to tell me how fat i am. how my hips are pushing out of my jeans and how ill "never be skinny" again and laughing and rolling her eyes at me in laughter. every time i spend time with my mother its always SOMETHING. right now its about my weight. next time it could be her having some snide comment about how i dont have enough money and how im on disability. or some evil sh_t. but its always SOMETHING with her. ALWAYS and this is why i fight with her and im so GLAD her and my dad are divorced. she left my dad. and i feel for him but he knows how she is too and im glad shes gone another pathway. my dad and I dont need need that.

Newtus that's terrible!

Yeah when I gained weight on meds my dad was complaining that my mom and I were watching the food channel all the time and we shouldn't be doing that if we wanted to lose weight. Then when we were out to eat he would comment on how I was eating more than usual. Even now he still does that and says I used to eat like bird...like I would never eat more than half a meal out before even if it was a salad but now I sometimes finish a meal. My BMI is fine I'm not overweight I didn't ask him for help so I wish he would just be quiet about it.. So yeah I have some idea how irritating that can be especially when you're not feeling great about it to start with...

it just pisses me off. but makes me want to cry even more. she said i looked stalky and frumpy and that i dress sloppy. and i f_king washed my hair and have been showering more. she sometimes say that i smell. or "you have an odor to you".

she seriously wants to make me cry.

I feel like a roller coaster right now mood wise. So frustrating!

You know once I was talking to pdoc about how my family tends to argue and stuff and he said that it was toxic for me....I'm thinking your mom falls into that same category. Of course with my family I promptly told them the shrink thinks they are toxic and began playing Britney Spears you know that you're toxic. To their credit they tried to reign in their natural tendencies a bit.... Can you talk to her about it or is she kind of fixed in her personality?

Maybe you can just go hang out at Starbucks with cute guy when you need company?

Yeah me too!

Yeah my family makes 'jokes' about my appearance at times and I find it upsetting. I used to be really flat chested before I gained weight on meds, so I was always teased about that. And just the other day my Mum said my arse is a lot smaller than it used to be (though I haven't actually lost that much weight)



Yeah I get told I smell and I need to wash my hair all the time. I mean, I do KNOW, I just don't want to get undressed and vulnerable, and it's exhausting. I just go and cry in my room with Maxy: he never cares what I look/smell like!

*Willow*

ive definitely had many psychiatrists and 1 hospital social worker (who met my family in a family meeting as a teen) tell me my mom is highly toxic and dangerous and to stay away from her. im almost scared of my mom. thats how terrible it is.

my dads not like that at all. hes so supportive.

AND cute guy was off today i think. i went to starbucks and it was some girl there today. or woman i mean.

Atypical

I haven't been 'up' in AGES I'd give anything for a nice bit of hypomania right now (but then it usually turns evil/mixed afterwards) :/

Lol

*Willow*

thanks willow.

i have to tell you guys something. its really bothering me...

all this weight stuff and my mom is just bothering so much. that i made an instagram talking about anorexia and how im gonna stop eating....cant take this anymore...cant...

...ive put myself on a serious crash diet til before i goto cali and im barely eating. food repulses me. and im not gonna stop when i come back from cali either. i just...sick of my mom making comments about me and...i need to lose this weight.

can you guys give me your opinion. idk if i want it to be honest. but..........do you think 130 is fat?

Newtus: You know our views about severe calorie restriction so I'm not going to get into that again. But I've worked with girls with anorexia and they ended up screwing up their metabolism so it was much harder to stay slim. I can understand wanting to lose weight, but you need to do it sensibly.

I don't know if 130 is fat for you. What's your BMI? I know you're small but 130 sounds low to me, but then I'm 5 foot 10 so when I'm 130 (which is very rare) people are always on at me to eat. I'm aiming for about 150, but at my fattest I was 181 (which was a BMI of 25.something so overweight for me)

*Willow*

i understand. im 5 foot 2. my bmi is 24. im sorry it just my mom is driving me to bad places in my mind. its just im so sorry. im sorry about putting you guys in this position.

forget my post i just really shouldnt have said that. im just so upset over this thing with my mom. i shouldnt have put you guys in that position.

I got the job!!!!!! I'm so excited and happy! I keep flapping my hands because I'm so excited

Newtus: I understand feeling unhappy with your weight and having people comment on it. But a BMI of 24 is not overweight. That's what I am now. Yes it's bigger than I would like, but it needs to be managed sensibly. I've never had an actual ED, but I've definitely had periods of time in my life when my eating was disordered. Like I sometimes stop eating as a way to control things when they feel out of control or to punish myself. And I can get fixated by the numbers on the scales and want to lose even more, even though I know it's unhealthy. So I understand those kinds of feelings, but we need to be careful and manage them sensibly

Medicalfox: YEY! Way to go!

Right I have to try and go to bed now cos it's 1am here. Night

*Willow*

thanks willow.

yea im trying to calm down now. the voices havent subsided but my dads coming home from work now and wont be home alone soon. i need to take my meds.

im training him not to bite