Roll Call 33

Neeeed this! I need to visit America soon, so much awesome food!

I'm digging through old stuff in my room at my parents' house, cleaning out my room and making it neater. I found some old notebooks. Among the chemistry and European history notes were a ton of really moody, depressed, quasi-psychotic poems. I guess I really am bipolar...haha, but I don't remember myself ever being a poet. Weird.

Have any of you heard this song?

"Dopamina" by Belinda. It's about the chemical imbalance of dopamine in a schizophrenic's brain.

Sometimes I test the universe to see if I'm supposed to be alive. Things like not wearing a seatbelt or not looking while crossing the road.

Tomorrow I see a new pdoc. He specializes in bipolar. I hope he's not scared away by the psychotic stuff. I'm hoping to get off zyprexa. Maybe I can live med-free. My last t/pdoc said I'll always need meds, but maybe the new pdoc will disagree. I'm nervous. Seeing a new doctor always makes me nervous (especially a new pdoc, because of how much you have to disclose in the first session). Also, I have to drive 12 miles to get to his office. And y'all know how much I love driving... Though today I drove myself to target without getting in a wreck, haha. I'm kind of hypomanic right now. I just want to talk, talk, talk...and then talk some more.

Got some pure alprazolam, mixed and placed on blotter paper. Took one earlier and it knocked me out for the whole day, still a little woozy. Apparently they're 1.5mg per blotter but they are much more potent. Got a good few, really shouldn't have this stuff lying around as I have a history of taking pretty serious overdoses (hence why I'm on a depot). Can't bring myself to throw them out :/ Not thinking about suicide at the moment, nor have I been for a few weeks. I am a silly billy :P

EDIT: not bothered starting a new thread but do benzos generally give people that complete 'lack of emotion' feeling? I'm not feeling depressed, just... nothing, though it's not nice.

i thought i was going to die before i was 18 and i almost did from suicide. i cant see myself living past 25 either. just wanted to say i understood.

i passed out from xanax and drinking and my dad went to the store without me! at least couldve pushed me til i waken up. i wanted to go.

Cool...what language is that?

Have you ever heard of the call of the void...this reminds me of that...I often have the desire to step out into traffic but never act on it...it's worse when I'm psychotic though...

Good luck!

im drinking again after passing out. i wonder if i have a drinking problem.

The song itself is in Spanish, the written words at the beginning are in French.

my mother and father both have drinkig problems in different ways. my mom drinks everyday. my dad is a binge drinker. sometimes doesnt drink but then goes on a binge.

Ok that's why it was confusing to me...I thought it was French but then I didn't understand it at all(I've forgotten most but I should have gotten something I think)....glad to know I haven't slipped quite that far

I didn't say that schizophrenia was hopeless and you might as well die that's not what I meant at all no matter how bad it is.

no one said you said that

is everyone going to sleep? i think i might in a little bit

I'm going to take a shower and then go to bed, for the last time as a 22 year old. I'm old.

Hey im new here. It seems like this is a way to get people active? I'm schizophrenic and since i do not have any support groups where i live i was wondering if this is a good place to find others who deal with the same thing?

Had a dream and in it I kept thinking "I don't want to die" and I kept trying to hit myself my for some reason no matter how hard I try to hit myself I was too weak to make it hurt. Woke up feeling awful.

What grade are you in?

You have a serious drinking problem.

was about to say... the words in the beginning was French and the video sounds like it's in Spanish.

Yeah I've heard about the call of the void, I find it really interesting. Yeah these urges are a lot worse when I'm psychotic I can turn actively suicidal because of my delusions. I've never thought about it being that phenomenon but I guess it could be

Happy birthday secretum your not old hun don't worry