Roll Call 34

well im not in the best shape this year but im trying. i wish i was juggling men. no one likes me. ill be a virgin forever.

yes at work. and just in public in general. i see people treat someone else differently than they treat me. it is very obvious and intentional. its working cuz i feel like sh_t. they all want me to feel bad about myself.

i dont think my T is involved in this. or my friends. i think it's strangers.and coworkers

anyway @sunshine and all.

i went to the mall today with my mom. my mom picked me up at my house so it was a relief to not have to drive a 2 hour trip. then we went back to her house. i had some tea and opened more gifts.

overall less gifts than last year. BUT i love my family. i do not expect gifts like i did when i was a child and teenager.

but i had fun today. i just dont feel too good due to this cold or whatever it is.

How is your eye contact---smiling etc.? They may be responding to something different in you----but people in general especially in retail can be jerks aside from anything about you. Normally in situations like that its good to talk it out with coworkers as they have likely experienced the same.

i admit i dont smile that much. its hard for me. and when im not smiling i look like im mad or something. i am also shy around new people. this makes me not really cut out for my job. i am having serious thoughts abt quitting. i almost left today. certain coworkers are really really nice to me and we laugh a lot. but others are just so cold and rude to me.they act like they despise my presence. my job is so triggering. i feel trapped. i feel like its no longer good for me to go there. it just makes me feel so bad.

Can you move to something in the back of the house----stock or whatever?

im back home now. back to hearing voices and seeing unusual objects and creatures of the day and night

anyone else having some sort of psychosis right now?

Newtus you will. And ppl do like you. Make this yr your yr. I'm gonna start walking. I have to start really slow, but maybe we can keep each other accountable with it.

You're very pretty. Lots of guys would love to date you. Try experimenting with makeup again. Look up ways to improve your self esteem. I need to too. Like since this weight gain I feel just not myself. But I'd give anything to be 150. I actually like that weight on me. When I was 27 I gained weight and was up to 160. I was dating this super athletic hot guy. He loved my body. It's all how u carry yourself. Try and have fun today.

thanks sunshine.
ill try to have more fun. its just hard cause im sick with a bad cold and am hearing voices right now.

so i got lots of money for my bday. a good amount.
i also got a polaroid type camera called Fuji Instax mini 8.
i think im gonna hang the pictures in my room.

I also don't smile very much. Simply because there isn't anything worthy of smiling about in my world. The things that others smile about are mundane and temporary. What I would smile about is the day the illegal mind control stops. And I know I need to make that day happen.

anybody on?

Happy birthday Newtus and Sunshine!

I have felt woozy and dizzy all day long and I dont know why I took my morning meds as usual and shortly after I started feeling like this hope I am not getting sick. I still feel depressed I just dont feel like I have energy.

Happy Bday you guys

Happy b-day, newtus and sunshine!

thank you!!!

thanks guys for all the wishes and happy birthday to you too sunshine.

Goodnight!!

i miss the days when i was 21. i wanna go back already...

Good night.

Goodnight & Morning I guess...

I'm unable to get back to sleep... hoping I might manage to if I do something for a bit.

Thanks everyone for the bday wishes.

Newtus you have so much ahead of you. You're the perfect age.

Well I had fun. I got some really cute shirts. One with Marilyn Monroe on it. I got flowers from my sister Heather, beautiful cream roses with lavender lilacs.

We went out to dinner at my favorite Chinese restaurant. My sister Kim didn't join us. She really triggers me. I invited her but she said she had to work late, which isn't true she gets to make her own schedule. She really irritates me though so I think she was trying to be nice by staying away. I didn't have much family there. It was just my son, and 2 sisters and me. Right now I just don't feel comfortable around my nephews. Their all doing so great in life, just makes me feel like a loser. And they don't know I have bp. They just know I don't work anymore and I've gained weight. I would tell them but they don't really talk, they're really non emotional like my sister Kim.

Just everything's changed. It will be ok though.

Tomorrow I'm going to do a whole bunch of psychological testing to see if I qualify for temporary welfare basically. It's only $160 a month but better than I get now.

Then my sister Mickey is taking me to get my hair cut and highlighted. The crafting is probably gonna have to wait. I love my sister Mickey so much though. She really tries to understand. She has a great heart. I can't wait to get my hair done! It needs to be cut so bad!

Everybody in bed?

Glad you had a nice day....those flowers sound amazing, I was just noticing the reblooming lilacs like yesterday they used to be so characteristic of spring....it's a very strong memory for me.

I didn't realize you didn't have assistance...I assumed you did because you have physical issues that make it hard to work...are you applying for disability?