[Angelique67]

I'm very depressed and I feel as though my old online haunts no longer want me around. I know of reasons why this may be, but I don't think I'm any more obnoxious than a lot of other people out there. I have poor social skills and its hard to type so I'm not very conversational, plus the anxiety has been horrible.

I know it's wrong but I can't help thinking I need heroin. I can't cope without the benzos. I've done nothing but sit on my bed for almost 2 years. I have gotten so weak - I'm not living for anything because I enjoy nothing. I just want to be dead. I suspect it will happen soon anyway because my life line has almost disappeared from my palm. I don't know what to do with myself.

Have you reached out to someone in real life. A friend, parent, teacher, counselor, minister, etc? I believe you would find this really beneficial if you had someone to talk to.

[Angelique67]

Thank you. You're right but there's no one I know. I have no one to reach out to so I get very weirded out by subtle things. I've always been this way. I appreciate your kind reply!

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I'm very depressed and I feel as though my old online haunts no longer want me around. I know of reasons why this may be, but I don't think I'm any more obnoxious than a lot of other people out there. I have poor social skills and its hard to type so I'm not very conversational, plus the anxiety has been horrible.

I know it's wrong but I can't help thinking I need heroin. I can't cope without the benzos. I've done nothing but sit on my bed for almost 2 years. I have gotten so weak - I'm not living for anything because I enjoy nothing. I just want to be dead. I suspect it will happen soon anyway because my life line has almost disappeared from my palm. I don't know what to do with myself.

Hello Angelique67: I'm so sorry to hear you're doing so poorly. My wish for you is that you may begin to see a way forward. Please keep posting here on PC. Perhaps something someone will write in a reply will strike a chord with you.

P.S. Have you tried calling any of the hotlines such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline? They're no just there to help people who are suicidal. They're available to help with any problem.

I have never nor will I ever touch heroin. I have seen what it dose to a person and for you to even think about wanting it I beg you please do not touch it !
You want to pick up something .. pick up a bible .

I have learned that God is the answer to your needs .
On line friends come and go you can not hold your life around them .
Find a support group where u live and join .

If you don't want to read the bible then go to dailyaudiobible.com and there is a guy name Brian who reads it everyday for a year the whole bible in a year . Life is a gift .

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

Hello Angelique67: I'm so sorry to hear you're doing so poorly. My wish for you is that you may begin to see a way forward. Please keep posting here on PC. Perhaps something someone will write in a reply will strike a chord with you.

P.S. Have you tried calling any of the hotlines such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline? They're no just there to help people who are suicidal. They're available to help with any problem.

Thank you for your kind reply!

I have called them a lot in the past, but I always feel like I'm using up time someone else needs more. And they rush you off the phone if you say you have no immediate suicide plans. But actually I was thinking of calling again, so your mentioning it, maybe I should. Do they monitor your behavior if you tell them how you'd do it, just worrying.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Nature1968

I have never nor will I ever touch heroin. I have seen what it dose to a person and for you to even think about wanting it I beg you please do not touch it !
You want to pick up something .. pick up a bible .

I have learned that God is the answer to your needs .
On line friends come and go you can not hold your life around them .
Find a support group where u live and join .

If you don't want to read the bible then go to audiobible.com and there is a guy name Brian who reads it everyday for a year the whole bible in a year . Life is a gift .

I should try to find a support group but I'm afraid of going anywhere. I've been getting more interested in religion the past year, so maybe you guys are psychic. Thank you for your kind reply.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I should try to find a support group but I'm afraid of going anywhere. I've been getting more interested in religion the past year, so maybe you guys are psychic. Thank you for your kind reply.

God speaks in many ways and I know God is helping me and he can help you as well .. and taking heroin will only do you harm not good.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Nature1968

God speaks in many ways and I know God is helping me and he can help you as well .. and taking heroin will only do you harm not good.

I live in an area where it should be easy to find heroin. I always thought I'd only take it twice, once to calm down, and the second to overdose (although I don't know how to inject myself). I know it's a bad thought but I can't help it.

[Terabithia]

I think of heroin sometimes, too. I've never tried it before, but sometimes I think of it as being such a calm escape from such a neurotic mind. Then I think about where that would lead me and how much worse that would be than where I am now.

If you are worried that you are sometimes obnoxious, take heart in knowing that a lot of us worry about the same thing.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Terabithia

I think of heroin sometimes, too. I've never tried it before, but sometimes I think of it as being such a calm escape from such a neurotic mind. Then I think about where that would lead me and how much worse that would be than where I am now.

If you are worried that you are sometimes obnoxious, take heart in knowing that a lot of us worry about the same thing.

Thank you, it helps to know that. I took heroin when I was a teenager. I was buying animal tranquilizer powder and snorting it back then and it helped a lot. One time it turned out to be heroin, the most peace I ever felt in my life. I tried to get more but couldn't. Too bad I can't still find that stuff. I wouldn't care at this point what it did to me. That sounds awful, sorry.

[Terabithia]

All I think of when I think of heroin is a constant need for something and resorting to prostitution to get it. I've been self-destructive and put myself in situations that totally dehumanized me in the past and I would never want to go to that place again. I understand that the inner self can be so miserable that it doesn't seem to matter sometimes. For me, these feelings were of desperation, and the best alternative path is to find a safe place to be with others. Right now, I go to a center where others with mental illnesses meet to connect. It's a place where I feel comfortable because I know we all share this in common. There are therapy groups taking place throughout the day there. Can you look online and see if there is anything like this in your area? I hope connecting on here is helping. We care about you.

[Angelique67]

Thank you for that. I definitely don't want to be in any sort of desperation. If I chickened out of killing myself I know I would be. I can't do that, and it's what has stopped me so far. But I desperately need some inner relief. There are groups here but I'm not sure if any are on neutral territory. I don't want to go back to that clinic for anything. I'm afraid I have zero motivation for groups or being around people in real life. I've fallen pretty far down.

[Terabithia]

Depression sucks. I know that's a very lame way to put it, but I don't want to start cussing! The idea that you are chickening out because you can not kill yourself, is one that is too familiar to me. But you are brave to continue living. There is a pull that is keeping you alive. Get in touch with that, and hold on to it. Maybe it's somebody you care about. There is so much strength in love. I wrote a poem once about trying to kill myself and the realization that it was murder, murder of my very soul. How can we kill something so beautiful. There is beauty inside you, whether you see it or not. Would you treat somebody else so cruelly?

[x123]

Angelique, sorry if you already mentioned this in another post, but I was curious if you are seeing a psychiatrist and how soon your next appointment might be.

It seems like you should see if they can adjust your medication so you stop hearing that voice that keeps you from sleeping as soon as possible. I know I'm a wreck when I don't get enough sleep. I can't imagine how you must feel.

[Terabithia]

Angelique,
have you thought about going in the hospital? Sometimes the hospital is like a shelter to me. It has given me freedom from my contemplating, and people there have nourished me during times when I've hated myself.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by x123

Angelique, sorry if you already mentioned this in another post, but I was curious if you are seeing a psychiatrist and how soon your next appointment might be.

It seems like you should see if they can adjust your medication so you stop hearing that voice that keeps you from sleeping as soon as possible. I know I'm a wreck when I don't get enough sleep. I can't imagine how you must feel.

Nope, no doc right now. Hoping soon though. I'm very very out of it. Panicking about my eye appointment and afraid I won't make it.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Terabithia

Angelique,
have you thought about going in the hospital? Sometimes the hospital is like a shelter to me. It has given me freedom from my contemplating, and people there have nourished me during times when I've hated myself.

I would rather not go back to the local hospital but thanks for the feedback.

Actually, I wouldn't mind going to a hospital if I didn't have to go to a state or immediately local hospital. But I'm not actively a danger to myself or anyone else and they need the beds for those who are.

[SmileHere]

Angelique,

Can you sleep during the day if you couldn't during the night? Or would the voice come in the day too? What about if you sit/half sit while sleeping?

Also, please don't touch the heroin, the 1st time is the best they say, and all the later ones just looking for that 'perfect high'. I'd recommend trying to find some local RL people too... maybe a group for mentally ill people and/or a therapist?
If you'd be brave enough to find heroin, you could be brave enough to reach out for help too?

Before you'd resort to heroin or suicidal behaviour, it's better to go to a hospital you'd be comfortable to go to! Or call a hotline - there are very many hotlines and many volunteers!!

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by SmileHere

Angelique,

Can you sleep during the day if you couldn't during the night? Or would the voice come in the day too? What about if you sit/half sit while sleeping?

Also, please don't touch the heroin, the 1st time is the best they say, and all the later ones just looking for that 'perfect high'. I'd recommend trying to find some local RL people too... maybe a group for mentally ill people and/or a therapist?
If you'd be brave enough to find heroin, you could be brave enough to reach out for help too?

Before you'd resort to heroin or suicidal behaviour, it's better to go to a hospital you'd be comfortable to go to! Or call a hotline - there are very many hotlines and many volunteers!!

Thank you for the suggestions. He follows me around the clock. So if he's real he devotes all his life purpose to making me suffer. But I know it makes him sound more unreal.

I should say he follows gradual changes - but if I nap at an odd time, it's often quiet.

[SmileHere]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I should say he follows gradual changes - but if I nap at an odd time, it's often quiet.

So have you tried napping at odd times and did you get some sleep? ((hugz))

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by SmileHere

So have you tried napping at odd times and did you get some sleep? ((hugz))

Thanks, yes I did a few times this week. I'm finding it difficult at sunset to stay sitting up - I get sad and just want to lie down. There's usually still some noises but last night it was quiet and I slept a long time. Not extremely soundly, but more than I have in months.

[SmileHere]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Thanks, yes I did a few times this week. I'm finding it difficult at sunset to stay sitting up - I get sad and just want to lie down. There's usually still some noises but last night it was quiet and I slept a long time. Not extremely soundly, but more than I have in months.

YAY! I'm so glad to hear that!! Hope you will be able to sleep some more!

[Angelique67]

Thank you, I really hope so too.

[SmileHere]

Let us know how it goes!
And maybe start looking for an offline RL support group too?
It seems there might be Hearing Voices support group/s in CT! (if you google 'Hearing Voices CT')
Manchester CT Hearing Voices Group - Hearing Voices Network USA
Norwalk Hearing Voices Network Group - Hearing Voices Network USA
Even if he might be real, maybe the support group could be helpful? (I wish they had them in my country too!)