[x123]

(This is a copy of a question I put in the general Q&A forum, but I thought I would put a duplicate in this forum. I hope that is o.k.)

In a week and a half, an old friend is coming to visit.
- I met this friend in 2009 for a weekend and had a psychotic episode when I returned home. (It was pretty awful and lasted for several weeks - maybe even a year to some degree).
- I met this friend 6 months later and started feeling that he was using magic or ESP to influence events. Also I thought he was trying to drug me at one point. Some of these events may have been hallucinations. I didn't have a breakdown, but I was glad to say goodbye.

So I don't know how to prepare for this upcoming visit. I thought about carrying some pepper spray, because I worry that he was trying to drug me and rape me last time. On the other hand, I would not want to spray my friend with pepper spray if my suspicions are unwarranted. (I know they are probably silly delusions, but I don't know how to explain my memories of his past behaviors any other way.) I am a middle aged man, and my friend is also a middle aged man but I think he is probably bisexual. I am probably heterosexual as far as I can tell.

I feel comfortable with the meeting right now, but I wonder if I should be preparing myself psychologically by reading something?

thanks for any advice.

P.S. I know I should have been preparing for this by seeing a therapist, but I did not do that like I should have. Partly, I want to talk to the therapist later about other problems besides psychosis. The psychosis is embarrassing and makes me sound silly. I would rather not tell the therapist about psychosis when I get help for these other problems.

[costello]

Maybe you shouldn't see this friend.

Is it possible you sense he's dangerous in some other way than the one in the delusion, that the delusion symbolizes something else?

[Jolisse]

I agree with Costello, I don't think you should see this friend.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Being bisexual doesn't make the guy a rapist....however if these are your thoughts it may be difficult to control your own thoughts and actions...this guy has done nothing and yet you're thinking of pepper spraying him....clearly whatever the reality this guy is causing you to react with fear and violence on your part, that's not cool...don't see him until you are more stable... Also it sounds like you barely know him I'm not sure it's worth meeting him at all...he might not react well if you do become psychotic...

[x123]

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Being bisexual doesn't make the guy a rapist....however if these are your thoughts it may be difficult to control your own thoughts and actions...this guy has done nothing and yet you're thinking of pepper spraying him....clearly whatever the reality this guy is causing you to react with fear and violence on your part, that's not cool...don't see him until you are more stable... Also it sounds like you barely know him I'm not sure it's worth meeting him at all...he might not react well if you do become psychotic...

We were best friends for about 10 years and I saw him almost every Friday to eat dinner and have drinks afterwards. I haven't seen him much the past 15 years. I had the feeling at times that he might have been bisexual and interested in a romantic relationship, but he knew I was heterosexual and didn't want to damage our friendship. We always had a lot of fun together and I used to think we would be a good married couple if we were opposite sex.

I've seen this friend a few times over the past 15 years. Several years ago we were drinking and he seemed to be suggesting a romantic relationship, but then he seemed to pass out on the floor. I was a little bit stunned and I wondered if he was pretending to pass out so he could disavow the suggestion. A year or so later he was trying to show me how to use internet chat and he started making sexually suggestion remarks through chat while we were talking normally on the phone. It bothered me afterwards so I sent him an email telling him it was o.k. if he was gay but that I was not gay. He claimed he was just drunk and didn't remember doing anything that would have given me that idea.

So (sorry this is so long), in 2008 we both flew to meet for a weekend. I wanted to see my friend, but I was worried about the gay issue and I was also worried because he wanted to go to strip clubs and he gets creepy in strip clubs and it makes me uncomfortable. The first night we had a few drinks and walked to a club. I was at the bar and he went to the restroom but never came back. I caught a glimpse of him walking across the room with a spaced-out, peaceful smile but then he disappeared into the crowd. I couldn't find him so eventually I went back to the hotel. The next day he couldn't remember even going to the club and he seemed genuinely confused.

Little weird things happened all weekend. Even on the bus from the airport to the hotel another guy kept acting crazy and might attack me. I heard a human or animal sound in my head the next day that startled me. I suppose I was starting to have psychosis.

The last evening of that weekend, we were drinking in his hotel room. He started acting weird and then he offered me a bottle that I had been drinking earlier. I started getting very drunk and sleepy. So we walked back to my room. He made a weird comment about noticing that I had been reading the hotel's bible and he took it out of the room. He has always been unpredictable, so I just laughed and went to bed.

The next day after we arrived home and I was getting out of the airplane (many more weird things that I left out). Long story short I suddenly became delusional and thought I had angered some voodoo satanists that were turning my friend into a zombie and so forth.

Later the delusion changed where I decided my friend had drugged me and performed satanic rituals on me while I was hypnotized. Then eventually I started wondering if he date-raped me.

Probably nothing happened except that I was stressed and had a breakdown. Maybe I am even gay and have suppressed those feelings. I have no idea.

I hate talking about this stuff, because it makes me sound so silly.

[x123]

Originally Posted by costello

Maybe you shouldn't see this friend.

Is it possible you sense he's dangerous in some other way than the one in the delusion, that the delusion symbolizes something else?

Originally Posted by Jolisse

I agree with Costello, I don't think you should see this friend.

Originally I was trying to avoid seeing my friend. Last year when he wanted to visit I made up an excuse. This year he caught me by surprise with a phone call and I said o.k. I can't get out of it now without being extremely rude.

I have sensed that he has a dangerous side to his personality. He has a hot temper. He has always been more into strippers, prostitutes, drugs, etc. My exposure to those things has been mostly through being his friend.

Another worry is that I no longer drink. We used to always drink when we were together, so it makes it awkward now.

Actually one reason I moved away 15 years ago, was because I felt like my friend had a dark side and I wanted to end the friendship somehow. That isn't the only reason I moved, but it was a factor.

[costello]

Originally Posted by x123

Originally I was trying to avoid seeing my friend. Last year when he wanted to visit I made up an excuse. This year he caught me by surprise with a phone call and I said o.k. I can't get out of it now without being extremely rude.

Be rude, if you have to. Seriously. Don't see this guy. He sounds very unpredictable. And he's having a bad effect on you and your mental health. It sounds like he wouldn't hesitate to ditch you if the situation were reversed.

[x123]

So I agree the pepper spray is not a good idea. I actually don't feel too worried about seeing him, but I wonder if I should be preparing or planning somehow to minimize the risk of having psychosis? I thought the pepper spray might give me a feeling of security, but I agree the risk of using it would be too great.

Sometimes I feel perfectly normal like right now, but other times I feel that my friend is conspiring against me using magic or ESP (even though he lives 1000 miles away from me). Then those feelings go away after a day or two and I feel normal.

[insilence]

im seeing a pattern, that the result of paranoia ends up bringing on unwanted thoughts based in fear, and voices that commonly encourage violence and such. how is it that we all experience similar brain events?

[Sometimes psychotic]

Ok I didn't realize you had known the guy so long but the psychosis could still be the cause of him seeming gay....I saw my friends openly masturbating in front of me....it didn't happen. I also thought they might be evil somehow but it wasn't a fully formed delusion in my case. It also may not be the guy but heavy drug or alcohol use that is the trigger. I think if you wanted to meet for coffee you might be OK but I'd still say not to party with him you know.

[Silent Void]

I wouldn't meet with this person. It's obvious you feel vulnerable around him. That's not a good place to be.

[x123]

Originally Posted by insilence

im seeing a pattern, that the result of paranoia ends up bringing on unwanted thoughts based in fear, and voices that commonly encourage violence and such. how is it that we all experience similar brain events?

That is true. My father had dementia once briefly due to chemotherapy and it's interesting how it is so similar in many ways. It seems like paranoia is the natural response.

[x123]

Originally Posted by costello

Be rude, if you have to. Seriously. Don't see this guy. He sounds very unpredictable. And he's having a bad effect on you and your mental health. It sounds like he wouldn't hesitate to ditch you if the situation were reversed.

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Ok I didn't realize you had known the guy so long but the psychosis could still be the cause of him seeming gay....I saw my friends openly masturbating in front of me....it didn't happen. I also thought they might be evil somehow but it wasn't a fully formed delusion in my case. It also may not be the guy but heavy drug or alcohol use that is the trigger. I think if you wanted to meet for coffee you might be OK but I'd still say not to party with him you know.

Originally Posted by Silent Void

I wouldn't meet with this person. It's obvious you feel vulnerable around him. That's not a good place to be.

Thanks, Costello, Sometimes Psychotic, and Silent Void.

I think it is good advice to not see him, but I know I won't take that advice. I thought about it quite a bit last night. I wish I could just get out of it somehow, because I don't really want to see him and there is risk of psychosis and risk of real harm too.

So he is flying to visit over a weekend. I plan to take him to some tourist spots like museums and eat some meals. I don't drink, so probably he won't drink either. That seems fairly safe.

Last time I saw him we went to the zoo and then saw a movie. He had brought a can of Red Bull that had a special wrapper on the can from a convention. He wanted to split that can instead of drinking alcohol. We were in his motel room waiting for the movie time. He poured the Red Bull in a glass for each of us. Then he came over and sat beside me with his arm behind me, and it made me uncomfortable. I got up and surreptitiously poured my drink in the sink after only a few sips.

When we went to the movie, it was a Sherlock Holmes where the bad guys were a magic cult. I was sitting there in the theater wondering how I had the bad luck to pick this movie with my paranoid feelings about my friend. Then when I drove him back to his motel, two cars seemed to pull-out in front of me and divert me into the parking lot of a strip club next door. I drove out of that parking lot and into his motel, but it just seemed weird. I suppose I was starting to have psychosis.

Oh well, thanks for all the advice. I will be careful and try to stay relaxed. Exercising helps me, so I will try to exercise in the mornings before I see him.

[costello]

Originally Posted by x123

I think it is good advice to not see him, but I know I won't take that advice. I thought about it quite a bit last night. I wish I could just get out of it somehow, because I don't really want to see him and there is risk of psychosis and risk of real harm too.

Maybe you'll get lucky, and he'll change his mind about coming.

Anyway, let us know how it works out.

[x123]

My friend should arrive in a few hours. I started to have nausea and panic and delusional worries about being drugged or harmed by my friend yesterday, but today I have been just really depressed. He sent me an email a couple of days ago that seemed really weird. Probably he was drunk, but it started my suspicions going. Rationally I think it will be a uneventful weekend of touristy activities. Right now I feel fine except for wishing I didn't have to do this.

[Angelique67]

Good luck! Don't do anything you don't want to do.

[x123]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Good luck! Don't do anything you don't want to do.

Thanks, Angelique. So far so good. We had dinner last night and I feel very emotionally drained this morning but everything went fine. One odd thing happened, but I think it actually happened. A toad came jumping into his motel room when I met him last night and I had to catch it. Then a small brown centipede or something seemed to be riding on the toad and ran away in his room before I could catch it. My friend mentioned the toad later, so I think it actually happened?

I suspect seeing this friend brings up painful issues and that might be why I had a breakdown when I saw him several years ago. I used to have a good job and a little bit of social life and friends, but now things have changed drastically. I cope by trying not to think about the past, but my friend probably forces me to think.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by x123

Thanks, Angelique. So far so good. We had dinner last night and I feel very emotionally drained this morning but everything went fine. One odd thing happened, but I think it actually happened. A toad came jumping into his motel room when I met him last night and I had to catch it. Then a small brown centipede or something seemed to be riding on the toad and ran away in his room before I could catch it. My friend mentioned the toad later, so I think it actually happened?

I suspect seeing this friend brings up painful issues and that might be why I had a breakdown when I saw him several years ago. I used to have a good job and a little bit of social life and friends, but now things have changed drastically. I cope by trying not to think about the past, but my friend probably forces me to think.

I also had those things once and lost them all. But I don't have any friends left anymore from back then. I'm glad it went relatively well so far.

[x123]

Well, I saw my friend for the weekend and everything went fine.

This was good, because I feel more confident that my friend was probably never trying to date rape me or brainwash me or harm me or anything else. Now I can be more certain that things I remembered didn't actually happen the way I remembered. I hope I can finally put all those weird memories behind me.

I wonder if I should try to understand why I had a breakdown or just forget the experience?