roll call 43

i made a mistake and did not eat before work or on my break. i just got home and im really dizzy. im gonna eat something. work was ok i felt pretty good but then i started feeling like i was gonna pass out etc and it was really busy. right at 6pm i was like CAN I CLOCK OUT!!!!!!!! lol

but my friend came to visit me on my break so that was cool

I also get dizzy when I don't eat. are you feeling better?

when i was overweight i used to get dizzy when i didnt eat. but when im skinny i dont

My sister's who are at healthy weights get shaky and dizzy when they haven't eaten for a long time.

I get it too. It sucks....

yes i feel better now

Happy birthday Bean (:

The campus tour was really good and I bought a shirt from the campus tour. They have dorms for just health science majors in one building which is pretty awesome, but they don't have single rooms so I'm not sure if I want to dorm in that particular building because idk how I will do with a roommate.

when i thought i was going to make it to a university i toured a campus and they had many dorms for different majors and even single dorms which if i had got in thats what i was gonna go into was a single dorm. that wouldve been best for me. even if i got in now. but i doubt ill ever get in anyway. this was like maybe 4 years ago or 3 years ago anyway.

facebook reallllly makes me paranoid as hell

Me too, I'm into these causes on fb and I feel paranoid when I go on. I'm just avoiding it, it just makes me anxious and paranoid....

I can't sleep again. And I'm feeling really anxious and scared. I'm gonna lower my AD and maybe increase the depakote. I see my pdoc soon. I know some people don't understand the messing with meds, but it's complicated. I was doing ok on the increased dose of celexa, idk what happened. But I hate this feeling....Just scared...and paranoid and feel really exposed...

I just realized something. It takes weeks for an increase in ads to work. I was doing ok bc it wasn't fully in my system. It looks like I'm not gonna be able to be on ads anymore. I just go into a mixed episode on them anymore. What am I gonna do about the depressions? I guess lamictal, but it takes months to get to a sufficient dose for depression bc they increase it extremely slow bc u can get a deadly rash on it. And it's not that great of an ad anyway. Oh this sucks...I hate this illness. And all these meds.

Sorry...venting.

Sunshine, I'm sorry you can't take AD's. Depression sounds absolutely terrible. I hate that the meds that are supposed to help just make it worse(ie make you go into a mixed episode). That sounds particularly hellish to endure. It's okay to vent, I'll listen and everyone else on roll call will too.

Good morning everyone, how's it going?

grand u?

Glad you're doing well Bean!

I'm here and there you know? Kind of have some screws falling out of my head but that's normal.

how r u?

Coping. January isn't such a good month for me. It's when I was put in the hospital for the first time when I was not much younger than you are.

Ok, so here's an update for anyone who's interested (I know I don't technically belong on PC, but I do care about the people here and I wonder how people are doing when they don't post, so this is in case anyone's wondering).

On NYE I went to the police and confessed to faking everything and benefit fraud, because they'd escalated things by taking Max and I didn't want them to hurt him or anyone else (they still have him). I thought that if I confessed and went to prison everything would be ok after I got out. But apparently that's not the aim of all the torture because the Govt & Police both denied investigating me, and they called my parents and insisted I went to A&E (ER) with them (or the veiled threat was that they'd section 136 (forced MH assessment) me and take me themselves).

So I went and spent 10 hours in A&E on NYE and saw the on-call pdoc and the crisis team. The on-call pdoc threatened to section me (I've had a virus over Xmas and lost my appetite and lost 9lbs), but I told him that was a stretch and he knew it. So he tried several times, my Mum included, to persuade me to voluntarily go inpatient, but I refused, both because it's pointless and because I will never voluntarily agree to that kind of abuse.

Anyway so in the end I agreed to the crisis team visiting each day (which is the most pointless activity ever, whether you have a MI or not, because they make you wait in all day for them and then ask the same Qs every day that they already know the answers to because they've read the notes, and somehow they magically think that's going to help!?), even though I'm not ill or in crisis, just so we could go home the early hours of NY day because I figured they'd be bored of me/speak to my ex-CMHT and discharge me within a week or so. And that's what has happened: saw the crisis team pdoc today and he's discharged me with no follow up.

My ex-pdoc has told me that they want me to kill myself, but she won't say why or engage in any kind of compromise (i.e. the Govt doing it and making it look like suicide or an accident, which I know they are more than capable of doing), so I'm currently stuck in limbo. I'm seeing T tomorrow for the first time in 3 weeks and I'm going to ask him. I'm not certain if he's involved, but I hope so because that means I might be able to get some answers.

Anyway, that's my update. Hopefully it'll be resolved soon. I hope that you all had a good Xmas and NY

PS: Loial - thanks for my Xmas kitty! It was very cute!

*Willow*

That sounds really awful...I'm sorry that happened to you

Damn Willow, I'm so sorry. I think you do belong here though, you don't sound well to me.

Hi Willow, I'm glad they didn't section you. I know from experience how unpleasant and wrenching that is. I hope things will turn around well in your life.

Feeling kind of sad and empty, I'm getting my teeth filled today which hopefully isn't too painful.

what did i do so wrong to make this punishment last so long. childhood victim. im scared to leave this place. i cant afford another relapse. im going to die. out there. or maybe here. not sure. but its also all i have. im so blessed that im cursed. im so blessed that i dont know if i can be blessed anymore. if i was blessed anymore i would maybe be homeless. but what if god wants that for me

Hang in there newtus!

I wonder the same things. It isn't easy to go through all this. Hugs to all of us.

thanks for reading my thoughts guys.
i appreciate it