roll call 43

i was only supposed to work a 4 hr shift but they just hired this new young girl and she quit on her break!!! she said she was too anxious. i felt bad for her but i had to stay way later than i was supposed to. well i didnt have to stay but i felt bad leaving just 1 cashier there so i stayed. anyway its ok. i hope she overcomes her anxieties.

Keeps them from bruising when you carry them around...

Oh that was sweet of you.

Oh thanks. I would completely lose it on straterra, but I'm gonna see about going back on lamictal. The ads all seem to be creating mania in me too now. But on a stimulant I would end up in a bad psychosis I'm sure. I can barely drink coffee anymore. Again, thanks for letting me know.

Love it sometimes.

Well I took some hydroxyzine and slept about an hour. Now I'm staying up. I've had to do this many, many times before, so no big deal really.

I need to stop weighing myself every day. It's just depressing when it goes up a bit even though I'm exercising and eating healthy

Justme it's normal for a person's weight to fluctuate when they first start exercising because you are increasing muscle mass while losing fat. dont get discouraged, more exercise is a very positive step forward!

Thanks neil that's made me feel better. I know I'm taking positive steps I just get discouraged when it doesn't show on the scales. I'm guna keep going though cos it makes me feel good about myself

Psychiatry doesn't really know how to help some patients. My psychiatrist told me the self-injury I experimented with and my drug induced suicidal ideation made treatment very difficult because it interfered with psychotherapy. It actually makes it a lot more stressful. She explained psychiatry doesn't really know how to deal with that type of behavior especially if it is chronic and there is no major mental illness present such as psychosis that can easily be treated with drugs. At the time I wasn't psychotic so it was implied that I was an attention seeker who was just trying to manipulate the psychiatrists. This is how I got a BPD diagnosis which nourished my despair.

It was nice to be away from psychiatry for 5 years. I learned so much about myself. Now I keep my distance and deal with my problems on my own and without resorting to self-injury.

The embarrassment I feel is only during the years of 16 to 20, which was five before I developed the Didgee psychotic disorder. All the medications I was on lowered my inhibition and changed me. I became a monster who did some troubling things that I cannot seem to forgive myself for. I just realized I did this because I thought it was the only way people would listen and actually acknowledge me, but all my behavior did was alienate even more.

I just realized what else contributed to the hell I went through. I had no idea why I had social difficulties, which caused me to feel flawed and unlikeable. My weird interests and introvertedness made it harder to form connections with others. At that time I didn't have any meaningful friendships, was bullied and away from home to attend a private school. Those were perfect conditions for an impressionable teen to acquire some troubling behavior.

I'm so glad I put a stop to this hell when I was 20. It still hurts though.

I don't think medication is the only cure. The stuff can make you feel worse. There is so much more to mental illness than the biological component so why only treat that? A life that gives a person purpose and fulfillment helps a lot. It doesn't have to resemble the majority, just one that provides a sense of satisfaction. Feeling socially connected, being a part of a community and having friends and family profoundly makes a difference.

I saw something that looked like a ghost yesterday. It got me thinking about this diagnosis and whether I should believe it or not. I think I may have predicted the future again... If I ever did. I just don't know anymore. Weird things happening all the time now and explaining it logically seems impossible. I am taking meds as prescribed... And I'm not delusional, I'm just very confused as to what I should believe.

I think this is the important bit...!

As neil says weight can fluctuate for everyone regardless of diet or exercise through a week but I think the usual reason for this is water weight... it can also vary depending on what time you weigh yourself so make sure you do it at the same time!

Best way is probably to weigh yourself once a week & you should see small changes but they can take time... just keep it up.

i agree with Loial. i used to be addicted to weighing myself. i would weigh myself every hour. any slight gain would be so upsetting to me. i suggest weighing urself first thing in the morning after u go to the bathroom. and do it once a week not every day.

Anything really 'out there' that I've done over this time has been while on some kind of hypnotic drug. They really lower my inhibitions. I spoke to my doctor about it and he said that it was all me and the drugs didn't have any influence. There's an entire sub reddit dealing with peoples experiences on these drugs like ambien and zimovane, and those experiences are, well, mental! It did take me a while to realise that they where the cause because of my asshole doctors denial that drugs can have any negative effects. Even when I was having shakes in my eyes and my neck was jerking back he refused to take me off my depot or give me some sort of drug to counteract it. It was the reg that eventually gave me kemadrin to sort it out. They think everything they say is gospel and can't be wrong!

I feel a bit addicted to weighing myself too junk. If I don't do it everyday I get really anxious.
But I'm going to try and weigh myself once a week so I don't get disheartened by small changes. As long as the general trajectory is down then I'll be happy.
I've heard about water weight fluctuating loial so I'm hoping it's just that. But your right the important thing is that it makes me feel good.

thank you so much Didgee and thank you for your story.

i couldnt have said it much more better myself. thats EXACTLY what im talking about. all the points you said were are right on to the point. the feeling socially connected whether its to family or any friends or even acquaintances you might have. being apart of the community - yes yes yes!!! and psychosocial activites do NOT only have to be apart of the mental health system like a Drop In center or something. its way so much more than that.

i honestly believe that if more people with not just schizophrenia had better relationships (with fam or friends) and was apart of their community (doesnt have to be just about holding a job or going to school) they would either recover faster or have longer periods of remission than other people with mental illness who arent participating or getting a chance at psychosocial activities.

very stressed idk y

i love to sleep, i just hate waking up the most, i have a hard time in the morning

Yeah I was talking to my T one time about how I think getting withdrawn and isolating might have triggered the psychosis (2nd one) and that I need to make sure I'm getting out etc even if I don't really want to.

I told my mom and psychiatrist about the concerta abuse. I have an appointment on Wednesday. Until then I have an emergency supply that my mom will be taking care of. Which I get at the end of today so I'm at school miserably tired and I've already been sleeping for 2-3 days. Please don't take them away. I'm very lucky to not have psychotic reactions to stimulants.

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being around my family has helped me a lot. now its doesnt help everything all the time. and when im alone its like i wasnt even around them at all because all the hallucinations and paranoia and delusions cone back when im alone but for those moment thats im with my family i have more control over my symptoms.

when im stressed out tho it doesnt help. i admit it.

but what all you guys dont understand is that yea i dont take all my medicines all the time but that absolutely doesnt mean im not helping myself. i rely heavily on psychosocial activities to counteract my symptoms BECAUSE i dont always take those meds. i take a different approach than i think most people do to psychiatry and psychological methods of getting better. mainly because 2 reasons...2 big reasons....one is because of the side effects of these meds and the other is because psychiatry and doctors and therapists have let me down SO many times even when i did take meds. which made me worse. i used to take meds very faithfully up until 2010. then i started searching for alternative ways which included medicine - to become healthier. when i was taking meds i still didnt get the therapy i needed and was told to trust the meds as if they were God. so i did. and it made things worse because i was just lying in bed all day - couldnt do a thing but let these meds work on me. i didnt want that life - it wasnt helping. i was still sick and having symptoms on meds - even lying in bed. i was lied to consistently by psychiatrists. was told id never have a life that was productive. i actually believed them.

not anymore.
i saw a film with my mom and sister on netflix called something like Fat Sick And Nearly Dead. one doctor on there said that she absolutely could help people fight heart disease by giving them more poison (medicine) to fight the poison accumilated in peoples arteries by fast food and processed food. she said it would help - but why not take a different approach and put in natural and healthy foods into the body to fight heart disease. i related to that with my psychiatric medicines.

Yeah, I went back to stay with my family when my psychosis got bad this time around & I am convinced that is part of the reason that it didn't get as bad as last time. Due to both the largely trusted company & the fact it helped with my anxiety which is a big trigger for me.

Even my GP said that being isolated was bad & clearly it is as not only are symptoms more noticeable but you can't escape them & you can ruminate on what is going on.

I'm not saying that being socially involved is an alternative for meds but it's a coping mechanism & it might mean people can manage on lower doses of medication than if they were isolated.

It definitely plays a role.

i bought this coffee flavored gum. it tastes sorta like when i smoked java flavored shisha in my hookah. but that tasted better than this gum. ew. and its not even shaped like gum. it looks like hamster or rabbit pellets.

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thats good
yes i still take meds and even my AP (when needed) but personally for me psychosocial acitivites are a main factor for me getting well. because everryone here knows i still have a lot of symptoms on meds and i even shift into more depression as well as have psychosis when im ON meds. i have almost no depression off meds. almost. but it feels like its so much worse on meds because then i got positive symptoms and also depression while on meds.

honestly id rather just have positive symptoms and learn to maintain them with a little bit of meds than be on these high doses of 6-7 meds that im prescribed and be suicidal AND psychotic.

I'm completely isolated so I feel left out. I just don't have anyone I see aside from my friend very rarely. I can't get out because of my back and I'm afraid of my symptoms being worse because of the isolation. I rely heavily on online interaction.

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