Roll Call 52

T mentioned to me a project about drawing out my schema modes and parts so i am going to do that. i am excited about it, i have a few ideas. i got some oil pastels for the project. i think it will be really cool. i might post it here when im done

I just don't understand how I can function.

I'm a junior in high school, I get anxiety attacks at school every day and I can't function during them. I am averaging c's. Sure, I can make a college. But I can't make a good one.

IDK it really worries me, I want to be successful in life.

Happy Easter to those who celebrate. Spending the day at my MILs.

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happy easter everyone.
very rainy here...

what are schema modes? i like oil pastels...but then i dont cuz its oil and messy.

You're seeing this all wrong. You can't be blamed for consequences. Look to your intentions. You're father wanted to relay a message to your brother. Your intentions, when telling your brother, was merely relay one sentence to your brother. The consequences that followed are due to your dad's intentions, or your brother's intentions of pointing his finger to your dad.

I know... But it just feels like it's all my fault.

I've had a good day. I finished painting my room. I vacuumed and cleaned everything. I moved everything in. I have a door now! Yay! I wont surprise my mother anymore! lol Now I'm writing. This is so good for me, to have a passion project that is.

Focus on getting the anxiety under control. well thats the obvious part. its probably affecting your grades. am i correct? high school is so tough on kids. when i was in high school it was all about testing kids to get into a college. but they never told us that. theyd just test you. i never even took the SATs. because it was on a weekend and i thought it was during a schoolday and i wasnt told it was on a weekend. i thought high school was just about getting out of high school and so youd learn the basics of life. if i knew it was about getting into a good college i wouldve done so much better. but at the same time i may would not have cared. i definitely envisioned myself going to college i just wasnt told how much of an impact grades would have on my college entrance. i honestly was not told much of that. like very little.

and at the same time i was getting bullied and my illness was starting up so i was not in a good place. at all.

thats awesome! writing is good too. so its a good day for you youd say?

Feelings are stupid. Mine still wants my ex back. I'll never forget her words after I told her I had schizophrenia. After all the nightly panic attacks, PTSD, paralyzing depression, what did she say? She looked past the human and plainly said, "Must have been all those paint fumes." So heartless, so cold. Then she went on to talk about how poor we were and how well off she is now. Emotions are stupid.

That's a horrible thing to say to you. I agree with you. Emotions are stupid.

they are like different parts in us. here is a good list and description of each mode/part

Schema Mode Listing

my maladaptive coping mode is Detached Protector

listen to some country music my fav! Blake Shelton <33333333

Yeah I need to get my anxiety under control, real bad. It makes it so my grades are horrible.

I am just bad at handling it, I need to learn. Therapy doesn't help me.

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Newtus-

I think Lexapro is an AP. Buspar is supposed to be primarily for anxiety. Trazadone is technically an antidepressant but also seems to help with sleep.

My daughter has bipolar and she can't take most antidepressants. For some reason they cause people with bipolar to go manic. There are anti-epileptic medications that also work as mood stabilizers. Since my daughter can't take antidepressants, she takes Lamictal. I also take Lamictal - it was the best med I ever tried for my own depression. But there are other anti-epileptics that are also used off-label for mood stabilizing. Maybe ask them about that?

Why can't I just man up? I have never been this paranoid on Abilify maybe because there's a reason to be.

I don't even know what I'm getting anymore from the dealers. Why the hell did I do this? I drank too much coffee. I impulsively bought 8 packs of smokes, I'm almost broke, I'm still using my data to calm down. I've been having a conversation with these guys for 6 full hours but I've never been this social since I was 12 and it's obvious to the nurses. They will kill me. Getting hydromoph contin or what ever they said it's a bit street and not pharma but maybe idk idk if I should drop out I'm shaking violently I'm paranoid that they staff is against me and my friends I accused them of having knives in their pocket.

lexapro is an anti depressant

Curiosity kills the cat eh

I don't trust them now. I think they're talking about me behind my back. I know they are. I'm not hearing voices this is real.

I went to therapy like 30 times and not once did they tell me how I can just chillax with schizophrenia.

did everyone have a good sunday? easter sunday? any ppl celebrating passover??

My mom bought me Easter eggs when she visited ^^

I hate myself.

hung out with fam 4 two days <333333
how was urs?

mine was good

I was having such a wonderful day until night comes with dismay. My symptoms are arising. The depression pining away at momentous cessation.