Safe Place

When I'm alone, the tv sends me messages

Uhh took 4 Ativans to calm me down. After a bummer of a time. Now I feel like I have no legs. Suhweet.

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i get this with tv/movies/music sometimes. a lot of the time i can ignore it and just go on. but i guess during more vulnerable times i get really sucked into it. when i was hearing voices every day i would listen to music without words .

hope ur ok. can u make an earlier appt with ur PNP?

Didn't think I'd be posting in here anytime soon but here we are.

I've noticed paranoid thoughts creeping into my mind a bit over the past week or so. At first I just dismissed them as soon as they came to me but now they are starting to linger.

In particular the past two days my old fear that I am being staked online has resurfaced. It's not overwhelming me but still I've been without paranoia for many months now so it is a bit disappointing especially as I am hoping to try going med-free in a months time.

I feel now it's going to restart a negative cycle of looking for things which don't feel right. That's a trap I don't want to fall into.

I'm sorry you're having symptoms again....

Thanks door. I'm feeling better. Will be calling pnp tomorrow

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im junkdna

I think I may be psychotic instead of immortal. I'm not sure. Nothing makes sense.

I think someone poisoned me. I can't really think and I'm so tired.

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to those that need them. I still think it's really creepy that PC monitors the number of times posters press the hug button :/

I've been struggling with loneliness again lately and wrote this. It basically sums up how I feel.

*Willow*

Have you ever seen warm bodies your poem reminded me of it...

A new thing has come to me and I don't know what it means. It happens at night but also during the day. I see and feel things then they quickly go away. Feel things in my body but also not where my body is. Random parts of my body will twitch quickly while it happens, usually my arms or legs. When I close my eyes it happens twice as often and I twitch more. I see a lot of really creepy stuff. Disgusting creepy crawly crab legs. Two men half-submerged in water, facing the same direction, their heads bent down at an angle towards the shore, frantically pressing and dragging the palms of their hands against their faces so you can't see them. Always creepy and weird. Not sure if I'm supposed to figure this out or ignore it.

No I haven't, zombie films aren't really my thing. That trailer makes the film look really 'Hollywood' though i.e. things don't tend to work out so neatly IRL. I'm not going to magically fit in with either the Living or the Dead. I need to accept that. I know there are other Shadow Walkers though, I just have to find them...

Thanks for replying though. And everyone else for the hugs.

*Willow*

Is it the muscles are twitching, or are the limbs moving too? I have both muscle fasciculations (twitchy muscles) and random movements of my legs and hands that I can't control, though it's mostly in my fingers. I figure it's due to all the meds I've taken over the years and is probably permanent for me now, but if it's new for you, you should probably tell your pdoc in case they can stop it.

As for the tactile and visual hallucinations, I don't really know what to suggest other than tell your pdoc. I get lots of tactile sensations that seem to have no physical origin, and it can get really, really bad at times. All I can do is try to breathe through it, which is incredibly difficult, but it always goes away eventually and hurting myself wouldn't solve anything

*Willow*

I was looking at the mirror and I caught the thing in the mirror blinking before me. Ha, I knew it was still there. It was trying to make me all reassured yesterday but I didn't believe it. I know it's still there.

And they are still watching me. Followed today again.

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Can you cover the mirrors so they can't see you? That's what I do

*Willow*

Mirrors are hard to avoid. They're everywhere. I look away and cover as much as I can but sometimes I have no choice.

They watch me and all the people outside watch me as well. They follow me and talk about me and report back to headquarters.

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It's the whole limb, sometimes two limbs or the whole body. I've had it for a while and figured it's due to medication and that it's permanent now like for you. But the new thing is that I get these creepy, ominous images and weird, intense sensations with the twitchings. I'll tell my doctor next time I see her, I don't think it's urgent since the twitchings aren't actually new...

Sorry you also experience strange tactile sensations. Sounds really unpleasant. These twitches and weird bodily things are also unpleasant but mostly just because of the images they're accompanied with that make me wonder if I might be possessed or if the images are prophetic. Since the pain accompanied with my twitchings goes away so quickly that part of it is easily endurable for me.

I need to get back into my spiritual practices but I'm too afraid to. I keep thinking I'll get delusional or something, so I neglect it and then I feel even worse.

It feels like my family think I'm psychotic more often than not, which doesn't make sense because in that case they -should- be helping me find better meds or something. But then there's the sense that I'm just being paranoid, as usual.

I'm at that point where I no longer trust anything I perceive.

I can relate. Sometimes I make rude gestures at the mirrors or scare the birds away as a small act of rebellion, but that's about all I dare do at the moment. It makes me feel better for a split second, but then increases my anxiety that they will increase things in retaliation.

I can relate to your post as well. So much doubt about everything, and then that makes me cautious about encouraging my spirituality in case that backfires. It's hard to know where the line is. So I put off making a decision...but then sometimes not making a decision is actually making a decision. Idk if that makes sense, or is helpful to you, but hopefully it helps you feel less alone.

*Willow*

I'm avoiding feelings for the last few days. Keeping busy and distracting. Logically the feelings shouldn't be there, but feelings aren't always logical, and life has shown me that feelings I don't feel come back to bite me on the arse in the future.

I haven't even journalled about what has happened, and that's normally how I process things, but I'm scared that I will start crying and not stop. Crying feels melodramatic and attention seeking, which feels shameful because I don't want that. And vulnerability.

But maybe I wouldn't cry? Maybe I'm not feeling sad because the sadness really isn't there? Maybe there's no sadness to suppress? But the only way to know would be to poke at the metaphorical wound and see if it bleeds, which feels forced and fake and...ridiculous.

I always say that crying feels ridiculous to me (my crying, not others). My last T asked why crying was "worthy of ridicule", and it just always was...bullies at school, my abusive grandmother etc. It is my shameful secret; done only when absolutely unavoidable, and then alone and in the dark. I know it's messed up.

One of my brothers wears his heart on his sleeve and he is the most mentally healthy of the lot of us. But does he get support and acceptance because he wears his heart on his sleeve, or does he wear his heart on his sleeve because he gets support and acceptance?? Maybe some people are allowed to get support and others just aren't?!

I like being very introspective, but I often think that I would be healthier mentally if I wasn't as much as I am...

Apologies for the rambling.

*Willow*

I just wish people in real life would leave me alone already.

Hey,

At times I have felt like the birds are talking to me/about me. Its quite unsettling.

me too emma me too