Roll Call 59

Oh my gosh all I can do is just lay down. I don't know what happened.

idk what happened today while drivig but thats one of the scariest things ive ever experienced. i had a full blown panic attack while driving......

wow...

i cant believe that.
i felt like i was on drugs.

i think its this wellbutrin

I'm sorry alone and newtus.

I'm having a horrible day too. Has anyone else caught on that it seems like we all have bad days on the same days? It's like they control our brains somehow..

I'm filling out my medical review papers for my SSI. I'm so scared they'll deny me. I wouldn't know what to do. I wouldn't have any money for rent or food or literally anything. I wouldn't be able to get my meds. Trying to find a job would be pure hell. They always fire me for "moving too slow". Or in one case, I was a "safety danger" because I accidentally bumped into a rack while walking with my manager and looked over at her. The rack was sticking out more than it should have. I feel like they're all against me and now social security is too.

I haven't been suicidal like this in a while now. I have no hope for anything.

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hey guys seems like lots are having a hard time. i am sorry

i havent been doing that well but the past 2 days have been ok. theres some issues with fleas in my upstairs neighbors apartment and now theyre in my apartment and on toby. toby wont stop licking and biting and scratching himself. he has scabs on his neck. so i bought some flea med from CVS and put it on him but it didnt work and i kinda got it all over his fur (he has long fur). anyway i read the reviews online afterwards and there was a LOT of reviews abt how it has made cats die. so naturally i freaked out and watching toby all night thinking i had done something terrible and he is going to die. anyway, he is ok and safe, but there r still fleas. i feel so bad for him scratching n biting thats all he does, he cant be happy. so i am calling the vet tomm to see abt getting a natural flea killer

umm ya and i went to work today n i was really tired. and it was slammed. but now im home, so im ok

thanks guys.

im not taking that wellbutrin anymore. one of the side effects is increased panic attacks/anxiety.

I couldn't pee on Wellbutrin.

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I'm doing much better in terms of depression. I sat down and decided to make some long-term plans, so I think that helped to give me direction and purpose.

I know that if I could just take control of my life, I wouldn't get suicidal. If I just had a sense of competency and efficacy, even just the slightest feeling that I could have some influence over the course of my life....the thing is, I have zero clue as to how to get there.

I'm trying to budget things. Right now, my money and my energy intake. I think I will try to take $50 in cash out every week, and that will be all I am allowed to spend on coffee/eating out/groceries. I want to save my money to take trips, and I can't keep wasting it on Starbucks. As for energy intake...I gained 4.4 lbs in the past week! ! I feel so fat and disgusting...need to lose it asap. When I went off of zyprexa and lost ten pounds, people told me how much better I looked, and that I "looked like myself again". Now I'm almost back to where I was when I went off of zyprexa.

I really need to stop this.

I want to budget my time too, make myself study medicine and languages as well as keeping a daily writing schedule. But I have a history of leaping in all at once and then falling on my face, so maybe I'll just start with money and calories.

The speech to text work almost

On this phone anyway. But not on the other one.

So my family thought I go to the hospital for pills...

So does mine.

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I couldn't even stand up from my back hurting and I get a call from them saying I go to the hospital to get pills for my boyfriend's family. I was terrified because I couldn't stand up, and an ambulance had to come get me. I called them because I was scared that something horrible was wrong with me and this is what I get. I'm done talking to them. They don't even care.

I'm not here.

I'm sorry. I told my mom earlier that I'm losing weight regardless of what I eat or how much and that I'm down to 120lbs and she just told me to "get off the drugs". So I just walked to my room and haven't left it since. My back and shoulder is killing me. I don't have anything. I'm 99% certain i have a kidney infection but they complain about me going to the er. So back to my room I go.

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*ties a string to you* now you are.

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why?........

Thanks! .........

I feel erased by fear. I can't make it stop.

what is it you are most afraid of right now

Family is very caring.

Moving my body, I think. It hurts. Beyond that, having to go back to the clinic. And other places. I don't know why I'm so afraid.

They don't sound very understanding at all. I'm sorry.

My SSI medical review getting denied.

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I wish they were. My mom says I see ghost. My dad tells me it's all in my head. My sister makes me out to be a freak show for her friends.

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I'm sorry.

Well, I do know why. I'm furious at that clinic for cutting me off benzos with no taper plan in 2013. And every time I go out I get triggered and it's torture for me. And I can't present myself the way I used to, or look nice. It's just a horrible mess every time I go out and I never go anyplace I'd want to go, just to that horrible clinic or other stressful medical appointments. That's why I'm scared I think. But I don't know what to do about the fear.