Roll Call 59

Neither of us were. She acts just like my mom did when we were little. That's why I worry so much about my nephew because I don't want him to have extra stressor that could set off schizophrenia since it runs in families.

I'm dreading going home. It's so easy to break me down. It hurts that she thinks I'm pretending. Why would anyone want to be like this? I hate the life I'm forced to live. She has no idea how much better her life is. Just because she has to take care of two kids since she was 15, she thinks she has the worst life ever because she "never has any friends" or "never gets to do anything" even though she's always gone. She always has friends over. Even in the middle of the night. I have my boyfriend. My best friend that lives in my city. My online best friend that I've known since 13 but never have met in real life and you guys. I don't go anywhere or do anything. I think she's mad or jealous because she wants to just sit around and do nothing. But sitting around doing nothing is horrible. It's so boring and so easy to get lost in your thoughts and so much stuff. I would trade lives in a heart beat if I could. I'm trying so hard not to just lay here and cry. It makes me wonder if my thoughts about schizophrenia being real. How they're trying to make me think I'm crazy and they all kinds of decoys to pretend I'm not alone and fake doctors to help make it more believable. Maybe I am the only one and that they didn't want me to figure it out.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

yes im taking my haldol. i say im in recovery BECAUSE im handling life better than ive handled it in the past 5-6 years or so.

people are gonna hate me for this but i dont attribute this to meds. if anything with meds MAYBE small portion to meds.

i made a speech at the BBQ event the other day about how recovery is about more than meds. its about getting your sleep. therapy. coping mechanisms. healthy eating. exercise. group. etc. THATS what i attribute my recovery to. all that. medication is only a small portion. you cant rely on medication alone. its like praying to god and putting into action what you want to happen to JUST TO USE AN EXAMPLE.

im actually doing it for my health and to lose weight and get in shape. not for the animals. im lactose intolerant and i get very sick eating dairy. my sister might have celiacs disease or crohns and she can only eat certain things and i plateaued after losing 35 pounds so i might do this.

i just dont want you to get the wrong idea. im a farmer at heart. meaning if i had to shoot a cow in pain over getting a vet i would. im old school. i drink my coffee black and im resistant to change.

i meant to say praying to god and NOT putting into action what you want to happen. but im sure you guys get the point.

There is a joke about a man who prays everyday to win the lottery and then one day the God he prays to speaks to him and says son buy a lottery ticket

All I've really done today is sleep, I can't stop sleeping

today is a really lonely and boring day. it really sucks being alone all the time.

sp are you at work?

well i started writing my paper. i took a nap. im feeling a bit better. im eating veggies right now so i took a break.

No it's sunday, why?

I feel you. "I'm never alone but I'm lonely all the time."

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

sent you a PM

whos quote is that?

im trying to watch this movie called girlhood about this good girl who joins a gang but its realllllly triggering me right now. idk why.

its a french film. foriegn.

It's a line from a song. Here's the entire lyrics. It's a metal song by Otep. I love her so much.

OTEP LYRICS

I don't recognize my life
Who is this soul so weak and paralyzed
Cold claws raking up & down my spine
I'm never alone, but I'm lonely all the time
This is where it ends, within the empty dark
I'll set myself aflame, resurrected
By the spark...

I may be broken
But I won't fall to pieces
Lonesome & corrosive
The weakness of your secrets
I won't die like I've done many times before
I'm gonna run
Away from the wounds
Of war...

When the moon casts shadows long across my wall
I'll pretend they are my friends & I've known
Them all along
I'll sit and pretend I'm not waiting on your call
When the phone finally rings
My courage will dissolve
And I will run to you
I will run right back to you...

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

thanks for the song. im actually alone most of the time though. unfortunately.

So am I. I stay with my boyfriend like one and a half to two days a week. The rest of the time, I just sit in my room.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

that really sucks.
so you know what its like.

i feel like its a harm to my mental health. a damper.

Had the worsepsychotic episode of my life.

Damn I get hot when I drink, it feels like it's a thousand degrees in here

You weren't having Moonshine were you? Just a nip of that stuff makes my whole body warm. That should just strictly be used for degreasing engines.

Haha no I wouldn't trust drinking moonshine, just some Smirnoff vodka

I've been watching 'alone', it's another survival show except these guys are somewhat trained and they have a pack with them containing some items. I'll check out that show though it sounds good! I like awful TV so it's ok!

Haha I definitely deserve that!

I'm not going to hate you for saying that. I'm of the opinion, like you said, that living a healthy life, going to therapy, exercising, being positive etc, is much more beneficial than popping pills and hoping everything will go away. I think you have the right mindset! It's just finding the motivation to do all that is killing me, and I blame that on my depot.

Smurfoff Vodka? Did I just make a dirty joke?

I don't have motivation at all. I just hide in here between horrible appointments.