Roll Call 62

I'm drinking iced tea. It makes me think about the Atlantic Ocean... dark blue waves, across the pond you know I've never been to Europe. There's too much noise in my mind, a cacophony... I'm trying to check my typing because I'm sure the typoes thing annoys people I've rewritten this like three times **** it....

There's this dot at the corner of my eye, not a literal one that I can see... It's just that it's there and it's a demon dot and well I'm getting sick of it talking to me. I'm annoyed. Get the flu shot don't get sick! And don't get shot either, unless it's a shot of rum but don't be an alcoholic that's not a good move. Moving around the walls in my mind I keep finding new places I haven't been before and everyone wonders why I stay in my house so often.... There's a lot of work I have to do in dimensions not my own that I can't really move through with my physical body so I have to astral project to get there and that means quiet. Not moving either. I can't control it though everything stops moving on its own...

****ing demon dot that is so not what I needed tonight. It's like well my bathroom is dirty **** I'm dirty but taking a shower I forgot again and I took my meds so I'll be too sleepy to do it without falling. Calling up a number I dialed in. Why do people ask why? It's as if they expect a real answer for the mystery of the human experience and why everyone does what they do... No answers. Theories are all we've got...

Tweaky I was reading your posts and I was like why are you and I not PC friends what the **** is that sorcery and then I looked at my friend's list and I was like oh, you're already on there so yep that happened. Lol.

How often do people ACTUALLY lol when they type it? The things I wonder about when I'm home alone with a demon dot or is it a dot demon whispering death threats in my ear...

Whisper catch me as I fall, speaking to the atmosphere... Into myself that lies the truth of the madness.

thoughts better out than in my therapist told me to write she said it didn't matter where and well typing is easier (meaning, I can't find my pens and stuff right now ha)...

I'm getting back into art

Weird thoughts.. Delusions seen to be my main problem ATM.

I'm glad I'm better to the point where I nearly drove my car to the next city to buy alcohol there. So I'm glad. I don't even have cravings. My mom drinks a bottle of wine a day.

2-3 shots with meds should be ok. I would be good. My mom drinks a bottle of wine a day. My step dad drinks JD and coke.

My dad got kicked off the plane again for being too drunk xd I told him to take Provigil/Nuvigil because it's specifically for flying far away to countries taking like 3 days and he's tired as hell.

. Im so afraid someone is gonna kill me or come into my house. I cant leave the house because Im afraid of someone setting my house on fire.every.single.time.i.leave.
which has been once a week lately.

I m so afriad my dad is gonne get hurt or worse.

I just want to yell STOP. I keep saying "DO SOMETHING" to myself. like I need to do something about it. but I ...cant.

attack me
noobs
the devil has spawned my seed
forgiv me father for i have sinned
technological mania
haltering psychosis
dark in a house that deepest desires
i mmmmmm

i havent slept yet

Newtus , I'll say it again; I think you need to reengage with 2nd gen AP medicine.

please father god
make me normal
im a zombie robot
im praying

i shiver as we speak from mental weakness but i sont blaspheme in the name of the lord.

im a little confused
and hospital material

newtus just took 5mg of haldol at 4:45am citing that she feels like hospital material. newtus knows no constraints when it comes to psychosis. newtus knows the holy father will forgive her and jesus and his disciples and god and the holy spirit.

I assume that 5mg was PRN on top of your nightly dose of 10mg? Hopefully that'll help calm things down.

Good morning! Group today

morning

yes i took 5mg on top of 10mg from last night. i feel like the sleepy train hit me. im so afraid of the hospital to go back that ill do stuff like i just did.

i have therapy today. i wish i could skip it.

coffee now

Good morning Roll Call Peeps!

I think I'm doing better than I was yesterday though I'm still rambling on my friend keeps saying like whoa you just go on and on. Makes me laugh and I don't know why that's funny but Atypical's mind says it's funny as **** so I'm laughing like a mother ****er.

I think the talking in the third person like you were doing newtus has its uses I should do that sometime trying to explain things because I get thrown off by I's because they're eyes. Eyes of the beholder.

I need more coffee. Today is looking to be a good day though. I'm not having any side effects on my new AP thank ****. No EPS and I'm not gaining weight either... and even if I was gaining weight that would be okay I got a bit too skinny over the summer, I didn't do it on purpose I am just I get busy doing stuff and I honestly just plain forget that I'm supposed to eat. Whoops. I'm trying to eat more because well if I'm not eating I don't sleep and when I don't sleep well I get really weird. Well, weirder I should say HAHAHAHAHAHA TEEHEE!

How's everyone doing?

Sucks that you had a bad night newtus. You know how to reach me if you want to chat and not be so isolated though I get why isolating feels better sometimes.

How do you know that you're delusional? I never know, when people tell me I'm "delusional" I won't lie I flip my **** at them if they just insist they're right and I'm wrong.

Also, I like your brain. Like, I think your brain and my brain have some kind of connection because your writing style on here totally reminds me of me just different details and circumstances but I always seem to be able to connect to your posts... I think it's cool to have a sense of connection I don't have that with other people often.

Sleepy train is such a good way to put that like yeah...

I've had to change when I take my AP because of said sleepy train that likes to take me to places I don't want to go.

Deep places in my mind seem to have surfaced in a new way as of late. My therapist asked me a good question yesterday she was like well I know you have schizophrenia, your psychiatrist knows, close friends of yours know, so why do you try to hide it so much around people that already know? She had a very good point. I'm so obsessed with looking/acting "normal" and frankly it exhausts me... I would rather just let the mask drop around my close friends, my treatment team, and here on PC than to keep trying to hide something that I can't really hide anyways. People offline know something is "off" about me, they don't always know it's schizophrenia but they know I'm odd, different, disturbed, whatever you want to call it.

I think I can thank one of my parentals for this, he still thinks I don't actually have schizophrenia and his constant telling me to "just stop it and act normal" affected me a lot more than I like admitting to... and I'm like wow, wtf I've been diagnosed for going on a decade now and I don't believe that he just doesn't see it, everyone else that was in my life from that time period knew I was very mentally ill. He just chooses to be in denial because I think he's got some kind of mental illness and he doesn't want to deal with it.

I need more coffee I feel so tired... Stupid medication adjustment... Worth it but still, #schizophreniaproblems

i feel the same way.
i wish i could drop this mask but thanks to my my mom she believes i can just stop it. i act normal i try but its hard and then when its too hard THIS comes through. its tiring and a blow to the brain.

exactly. #schizophreniaproblems

That's just it. I want to just drop the mask because **** I'm tired, so damn tired but I still have this expectation in my head of being "normal" even though lolNOPElol I can't pull off normal, I just thought that I could for a long time.

I think not having a safe place or safe people to drop the mask around actually can make things worse, just a theory because if you're trying to hold everything in all the time you're like a pressure cooker. I know that's true of me... It's like when I think I can't be real about what I'm going through I just get really quiet and don't say anything but it's like my brain and all the stuff in it just leaks out the more I try to just be quiet...

i saw T today. i was late and he called me but i was close so i didnt answer then he texted me but then i saw him. we started out talking about my feelings of being overwhelmed and anxious, fear of change, finances/disability... somehow we winded up talking about reality and truth . we also talked about religion. he told me i have a unique perspective because of my psychosis into epistemic things. i wont see him saturday so it will be a week til we meet again

thats true.
people need a safe place or person to be themselves.
i cant keep acting normal or something will go wrong. im trying to pull it together you know? and just be normal but its falling apart slowly. until it just collapses. when i have pressures to act normal i get anxiety and fear. if i dont expel how i feel its gonna turn out so bad very soon. so i try to say on how i feel ON HERE. its the only place i have. here and to the members of Schizophrenia and Psychosis board on PC

thats an interesting topic to bring up in therapy. i see my therapist today and was thinking of talking about the popes visit to america.

my therapist is 32...
i didnt realize she was that young.

yeah it just kinda came up .. i liked talking about it. you dont get to have those kind of conversations every day. talk about the pope if you want!

my T is 38. hes 10 yrs older than me. i was 23 and he was 33 when we first met

my therapist is 1 year younger than my sister. my sister is 33. my therapist is 7 years older than me! thats not by much.

i didnt want to goto therapy because i didnt want my therapist to see me like this and have concern for me or question me about putting me in hospital or something.