Roll Call 63...

no, not at all. i have really weird dreams.

My anxiety is starting to build. Oh I wish I didn't have to go there! I'm so scared. I just want to be back here with nothing to do!

Thanks loial. I have a cpn but I have trouble trusting her because I have suspicions that she's involved so I pushed her away. They think it will settle down with the depot increase and the extra meds at night and I guess I hope they're right. Living with the truth. It's hard. Ignorance may be bliss. I haven't used student services much but I guess I could see what they offer. Do I need help though? Who knows. I need sleep lots of sleep. The zopiclone helped. Up at 2 I was a living miracle. Can't sleep won't sleep. But now I will hopefully.

I got my clothes on and I'm ready to go. But I have to wait a few minutes and then call the cab. I don't want to go. I'm hungry and there is no time to eat.

It's only 56 degrees and I'm not sure which jacket to wear. I don't want to go. I'm scared.

i believe itll be ok

Thanks newtus! I'm sitting outside waiting for my cab. Sorry I keep posting so much.

my dad is too tired to do anything today. prob tomorrow too...

my mom said im getting a free ride by being on disability. my dad says i dont have enough to do. im a lost cause. i need the money but this disability feels like a curse.

You could still have a part time job and keep disability like JunkDNA or Costello's son.

The woman next to me just took one look at me and leaned far away on the other side of her seat.

The woman on the other side of me just told me I have beautiful skin. Maybe this is all just a scary hallucination. I wish I had gum.

i wish i didnt have to get a job but that might be what i have to do. im not in the right mind to keep a job. im not motivated by anything in life right now. what should i do? should i goto DARS anyway? (department of rehabilitative services to find a job? they help people on disability find a job). or should i just keep being like this. i really dont want a job but i have nothing to do all day.

im also afraid of some of my disability getting taken away from me if i get one.

i sometimes wonder if im lazy or if its my illness

having a job is a good way to talk to peers. it also gets me out of the house. also, it makes me feel good about myself that i am working and earning some of my own money. there are lots of jobs that can cater to different needs. i know its anxiety inducing to apply for jobs and go to interviews. i know i complain about my job a lot but i would rather have it than not have it and have nothing to do every day

thats a good point. having something to do rather than nothing. i see you complaining about your job and its one reason that throws me away from wanting to have one. i dont want to be unhappy.

dont let me and what i do hold you back in your own life. most people complain about aspects of their jobs because its not enjoyable all the time. there are times when i like my job, like talking to my coworkers and talking to customers. i guess you guys see more of the negative *****y feelings i have because when i have a good day at work im not really feeling like i need to vent.

i texted T to ask if he is back in town. he said yeppers. i am glad!!!

gotta work at 3. the kid upstairs is running around. i wish i could move to asheville but i would have to get a roommate. its more expensive there but there is SO much more to do, lots more people my age. only downside is there is more drugs available.

I wonder the same thing, I was blaming my lack of motivation to look for a job on my medication but now I'm off medication I've no excuses yet I still don't have the motivation to look for a job. I mean, I look after myself, cook my meals, wash my dishes, do laundry etc. etc. all ok so it's like, if I can do that surely I can look for a job, yet I don't.

I wonder if I am just lazy & freeloading off my parents, not wanting to face up to the responsibilities of being fully independent... I certainly don't think like that but on a sub-conscious level you know?

Yet I don't really think that's the case, I do want a job... I'd like to have something to do, have more money & the social opportunities it would open up but I just don't know, I seem to keep putting it off.

Just back from seeing that film, I really enjoyed it... probably the best film I've seen this year at the cinema.

Also, I came out & have felt genuinely happy since. Probably for the first time this year, like I'm not just existing but actually getting some enjoyment out of life.

Just hope this feeling lasts...

same on the last paragraph. i want a job and keep saying ill get a job when i get my bachelors degree. difference between you and i is i dont cook my own meals. my dad cooks it for me. nor do i wash my own dishes. but i do my own laundry.

i feel so bad about myself. i have 0 motivation to even live and i feel like i could be better off dead sometimes. everyone would just forget about me after a month. maybe im depressed right now idk...

i talked to my dad and he says i just need to focus on school. but im not challenged enough in school to focus on it. like i do school and i study sometimes. i dont study my butt off but i still make good grades for the most part.

maybe i SHOULD move away...IDK im conflicted...

i shouldnt listen to my mom. i should listen to my dad.

maybe im not taking enough classes idk

im conflicted because my mom thinks i should get a job and my dad believes i should focus on school. but my mom doesnt want me to have all this money from disability so i think thats why she wants me to get a job so itll be taken away from me.

I put on 5 pounds since the end of June. The doctor was more on the ball today. He made a big deal about chest pain I had a few weeks ago. I think he's going to make me do something extra for my heart or lungs, I don't know. I'm not looking forward to any of this. It's bad enough I have to go to the pdoc on the 15th. I don't want to go again! Anyway, except for feeling awkward, and my anxiety, it wasn't too bad today. The waiting room was mostly quiet.

ive put on almost 10 pounds in 2 months.

That's pretty bad. That reminds me of when I first started taking zyprexa and put on 60 pounds in 5 months. I've gained a lot more since then.

the medicine is helping me put on weight cuz im eating so many bad foods. like candy and fast food. mostly candy and like slim jims. but i dont drink sodas. extremely rarely. like i personally bought La Croix sparkling water to stop drinking sodas. it works but im STILL gaining weight. i dont think it helps that im laying in bed all day everyday but my face is filling out more. i saw it when i looked in the mirror today. my face is chubbier.

i dont lay in bed all day but im in and out of mybed a lot all day. i sit a lot.

I'm currently trying to lose weight. I feel like I will succeed this time