Roll Call 64

the helicopter keeps coming by. it can see in my house with special technology

im really scared.

ok

i took my meds.

god help me. my dad said theres prob someone on foot theyre looking for from the jail.

I am getting better at restraining myself when I say twisted ****. I write here but put it in my notes. What I say in my notes is pure genius. It's so twisted that I would get killed and I'm going to use it some way. It's a talent. This weird sense of humour that I can't explain.

Anyways it was about me voting as conservative here in Canada even though I'm a liberal and talking about refugees.

There's no free speech so I refrained myself from posting even in a possible trigger message.

Life goal achieved..

Just be careful when you go outside, and keep your doors and windows locked.

I'm in Canada so I don't bother locking my door or anything.

I'm gonna get my back x-rayed again cuz of my trampoline accidents when I was a kid. The doctor said that at this age it might be a problem. I don't care as long as I'm not paralyzed but I fear that because of spina bifida which i guess is a hole in my spine but it got covered up because my mom eats healthy. I can crack every vertebrae except the one I did in yoga at the hospital that I forget how to do. It's starting to hurt so I'm taking Advil. I also pulled a muscle in my neck really bad reaching for the alarm clock and a drunk guy jumped on me as well. I don't think it helped that I was still running and playing sports while it was healing..

ok m

help me god
god help me

I started playing guitar when I was 17. I really wish I'd started younger though as I agree it's easier to pick up when you are younger. I blame my Dad for that... when I was 14 I told my Dad I wanted to learn the guitar, so he said he'd teach me. He took out his classical guitar, tuned it then started playing about on it himself totally forgetting the fact he was supposed to be teaching me... that put me off until later.

I guess I'd say I was alright at guitar, to people who don't play guitar they'd probably say I was good but I have high standards, knowing some friends who are wizards on guitar so I tend to be quite modest about my skills. Certainly I know if I'd played daily since I started, I'd be pretty damn good by now but unfortunately I've been a bit sporadic.

I started practicing a lot towards the end of Uni & was making fast progress but similarly, when my first psychotic episode happened it just fell by the wayside. I did start playing again after my first period of psychosis cleared but again after it came back I stopped. I was hopeful that coming off medication might give me the motivation to start playing again but thus far no luck. Perhaps one day...

Anyway, since you guys were posting pictures of your drum kits, here are my geetars:

Morning everyone

I've been noticing a degree of irritability recently, getting worked up whenever small things go wrong.

I've been at a loss as to what's causing it but I think it might be a return of my anxiety. I'm not exactly uber-stressed or anything but I've noticed me occasionally worrying about my health, or the real bugbear, worrying about worrying.... which just leads to a vicious cycle.

I'm not sure what's causing it, I guess I noticed the irritability a few weeks ago, nothing major was going on then which is why I was at a loss to what was causing it. I've certainly had some small disturbances in my sleep pattern recently, being slightly more prone to waking up & having strange dreams. I guess what might be having an impact now is looking for jobs & cutting back on cigarettes. Both certainly could be increasing my anxiety levels.

It's just so insidious though when you have GAD, I mean my anxiety levels are nowhere near at that level right now but it just makes it hard to pinpoint any real cause. You just know you have anxiety...

Anyway, I hope it's not going to progress. I was really pleased at getting my GAD fully under control & coming off medication this summer. I'd hate to have to go back on SSRis, especially being as I am completely med-free now.

Sorry your anxiety seems to be coming back. Hope you don't have to go back on meds for it. Is there anything you can do that helps?

Thanks...

I think for now I'm just falling back on some of the pointers I got through my talk therapy. I got a couple of CBT worksheets from that which have some quite useful tips on them. It's mostly just a case of trying to correct any thinking errors... I certainly found it to be useful before.

I think perhaps the hardest thing will be not to procrastinate with any of my daily chores or job hunting. I know that by not dealing with those head on that'll just give my anxiety a path back in.

With any luck this is just a brief spat of anxiety & things won't get worse. As I said, the ironic thing is you end up worrying about worrying!

I'm realising that I need to help myself more. Before I thought this was all going to just go away as I got older, but as my cpn pointed out im nearly 24 and it's been going on for over 10 years. She said schizophrenia doesn't just 'go away'. That I will likely have this for the rest of my life.
I guess ive been trying to wait it out rather than helping myself. But if this is going to be my life I need to get some control back.
So I'm trying to make changes. I'm going to do more baking, as I have quite a bit of time on my hands. I'm going to take up drawing again to try and do some art therapy and draw how I feel. I've downloaded some mindfulness listening exercises to do to try and combat stress. And I'm going to just generally try to get to know myself better; what makes me stressed, what I enjoy, but in a non-judgemental way. I am very harsh on myself so I'm going to try and cut that out and just go with how I feel.
Not going to be easy but I need to do something. I can't live like I have been doing for the rest of my life. I'm surprised I've made it to 24 the way things have been. So I have to try.

Sounds like you know yourself quite well. It's good that you can analyse yourself like that.
I've been told I need to do some cbt to help with my thinking. Sounds like it can really help people.

Yeah, I think it helps that anxiety is quite a tangible condition. It's somewhat easier to highlight faulty thinking but the same goes for other conditions too really.

It wasn't specifically CBT I did, it was just talk therapy but it did introduce me to some CBT style concepts.

I recently bought a self-help CBT book, so hoping that'll be of some use in that regards too.

I think it's really something worth trying, just learning to understand & deal with stray thoughts or emotions can be a real boon in trying to overcome problems. It gives you an element of control which can be a great way to ground yourself.

Oh my god, what a ****ing waste of time...

I was applying online for a job, that going by the job profile requirements I had the necessary skills for...

Anyway, so I spend a whole ****ing hour filling out various pieces of information then get to a question "Do you have proven experience of managing & monitoring a large budget"... so I select the answer to that as "No" & it says "based on your given answer your application will not be accepted" .... ****ers. It clearly said experience OR understanding of dealing with financial information in the job profile but then all of it sudden it wants "proven experience". Assholes. Complete waste of my time.

...i had a dream i killed 3 people...

Thats it loial you show that swear filter who's boss!

"To dream that you have committed a murder indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and a former way of thinking. This could also refer to an end to an addiction. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you have some repressed aggression or rage at yourself or at someone. Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression."

i must be in a depression. also plus my dad said what would you do if someone tried to break in the house. last night. and i was honest.

i dreamt i killed one of my old teachers and 2 other people.

At least you woke up before you had to go to jail.

i know. i didnt think i was gonna get caught and the school had an investigation done and i got caught.

i noticed i've gotten so much more avoidant of people in the last year, and maybe i'm just noticing it because so many people have tried to talk to me? like three girls my age have been nice to me in the past 24 hours and every time i just, skirt around them and get away as fast as possible. this morning one of my neighbors passed by with her dog just as i was heading out to work, the dog started barking and made me jump and she was super apologetic and sweet, but for some reason that scared me so much? i left my building out the opposite side, hopped a fence and walked the opposite direction of where i was supposed to be going for a long time just to not have to see this person again. here my *** is always crying about being so isolated but pulling this crap all the time. i did go to my favorite bagel shop where apparently i'm considered a regular now? this girl who always works there said "hi [mantis]!" when i got there and gave me my order herself without calling me, they just know me by sight.

and at the same time because so many people have been nice to me today i'm sitting here expecting an anvil to fall on my head because i'm not allowed to have good days without consequence.

yuck that was ranty. hope everyone's having a good day and had a damn fine cup of coffee this morning.

Well, despite wasting my time earlier on that other application, I've managed to get another successfully in.

Probably just another few dozen to go before I stand a chance of hearing back from any of them...

I don't know, I'm sure I could have gotten in a few more expletives if I'd tried.

I assure you had a much weirder, disturbing & embarrassing dream last night. I woke up feeling completely disgusted at the notion...

I looked it up & apparently the actual meaning is much more run of the mill than the nature of the dream.

Still, I'm not going to say what it was.

well im not going into the details of mine. mine was like i was a psychopath and was completely indifferent to everything in my dream.