Safe Place 2

so scared
just a baby to cry so mc over nothing
don't make me do this

i don't want to "fly"

it's not going to work!!!!

[10:27 PM]
Kori anders:
no one is there when you need them

[10:27 PM]
Kori anders:
e eryone leaves and they say your fault

[10:28 PM]
Kori anders:
they all abandon you and leave you to die

[10:28 PM]
Kori anders:
but you're not dying

[10:28 PM]
Kori anders:
just drowing

[10:28 PM]
Kori anders:
snd they won't save you


[10:28 PM]
Kori anders:
they just watch you sink to the bottom of the water

[10:28 PM]
Kori anders:
then they drag out your body and bring you back to life
[10:28 PM]
Kori anders:
for a little bit

[10:28 PM]
Kori anders:
on,y to let you sink back into the water

[10:28 PM]
Kori anders:
and drown again

[10:28 PM]
Kori anders:
over and over

[10:29 PM]
Kori anders:
until there is nothing else you can do

[10:29 PM]
Kori anders:
but wake up and expect to drown again

[10:29 PM]
Kori anders:
and again and again

[10:29 PM]
Kori anders:
until your lungs feel always full of water

[10:30 PM]
Kori anders:
and you can't breathe properly

[10:30 PM]
Kori anders:
and everything is foggy

[10:30 PM]
Kori anders:
there is so much water in your body that it is in your brain

[10:30 PM]
Kori anders:
and in your heart

[10:30 PM]
Kori anders:
it doesn't just drown you it fills you ip

[10:30 PM]
Kori anders:
until you feel like there isn't anything more to you

[10:31 PM]
Kori anders:
than dirty water and living dying living once more

I don't always post here as much because I'm busy, or tired... but sometimes I feel that it's not safe to post here.

Obviously putting details of your life online isn't always sensible, but I've kept this fairly anonymous... so shouldn't be too much to worry there. But sometimes I think people in my life know I post here... not that I have any logical reason to think so.

I guess it's just part of a wider suspiciousness recently. Certainly had a wee bit more of paranoia / mild persecutory stuff recently but it's not a constant thing. Mostly at home alone, although sometimes with people although not usually in college.

I had an appointment with my p-doc today. Going to try putting my citalopram up to max dose to see if that helps the anxiety. He seems to say often it requires a higher dose than depression to be effective, even though it was fine before at a lower dose. I mooted the idea of APs again & he says he still wonders whether the psychosis might create some of the anxiety that's more of an issue on the whole.

Anyway, I'll see him in & month & we'll re-evaluate. I suppose he doesn't say everything on his mind to me but I assume he thinks perhaps if the SSRI can help the anxiety, it may help me cope better with the psychosis side of things without an AP again.

Who knows. Some days I'm ready to try an AP again & others it doesn't seem worth it. I am ceratinly doing ok in the grand scheme of things even if it's not always easy. Would be a shame if APs made other things harder with side effects.

We looked over my old notes. Apparently I was at 20mg of Olanzapine for 2-3 months. Notes were I lost faith in it. No weight gain. Slight sedation. Sleeping until 11am. Although I'm sure I said I felt tired until 11am, not that I was sleeping until then but not sure. Was 4 years ago after all.

Blah. I was awake most the night watching the election stuff, so guess lack of sleep isn't helping matters right now!

So yeah, same deal as always. I shall stop typing now.

I feel you about the paranoia.. I actually don't agree with this site policy to make its content readable (lol, is this even a word?) by non members, but I do understand that this is how they attract people to join. I remember reading this site years ago and was amazed by the kindness and support members had shown to each others here. I was just too distracted back then that joining this place didn't even cross my mind. But yeah, as long as we keep our personal info as minimum as possible, there is no logical reason about our fears.

Ps : I was watching the election too and when I couldn't take it anymore I watched Arietty

I just listened to a song played backwards. I think it was by metalica. Anyway, I heard this secret message. Apparently the government has bugged every phone in the UK. Now I feel very cautious about what I should say on the phone. The government could have me taken away.

I hate my life. I have so many lows and bad episodes that I don't see an end
For three years I felt things pull, scratch at and rip my head

my soul is broken

And they are so upset

Why wont they leave me alone. Its like they are leeching all the amusement from my personal issues and troubles. I believe they even come to this forum just to continue their pathetic cyber bullying hate agenda and to prove that i'm nothing but a joke. What is their frixkin problem with me?
And i bet whatever i said here will be used as a material for their parody.

drew this last night

That's a nice drawing... strange how emotional pain can lead to such creativity sometimes.

And...

Hugs....

I hope that instead, life gets better for you. I really think it will. I like the drawing!

I hope life gets better for you too.

So, I might have to move back to where my mother lives to provide in home care for her. I have no idea how to do that. Seems like it should be a given that I'd do this, but I'm so afraid of moving back.

First hugs, but second----you've been talking about moving for a while now maybe this could be seen as a chance to get out of your current situation?

I met my love, by the gasworks wall, dreamed a dream by the old canal...

Dirty old town, dirty old toooown!!!

Thank you, sp! Yes, I've wondered that too. I couldn't stay there, I don't think, beyond the point of being there for my mother. I was extremely unlucky there. So... I just dont know. Probably I won't have to go. I just have no idea.

Would you be a suitable candidate to provide in home care to someone? That sounds harsh, and I don't mean it to be, just being real, you can barely look after yourself. Really don't mean to be harsh, it's just from what you post here. *hugs*

I'm sorry you were unlucky there---maybe you won't have to go? The uncertainty can be nerve wracking though I understand....

It's looking a little brighter. A social worker is telling us about transportation, etc, that she is eligible for. May or may not work for her. They're giving her blood thinners to ward off any strokes, and if she falls and has an internal bleeding, that could be very dangerous.

But yes, you are right. Nothing is settled right now. I've wondered about this before, and never had a clue what I would do.

its a sign of the devil
its evil evil evil

in my house, on my phone
in my bed hurting me over and over and over

I can offer an angel to chase the devil away if you'd like.

... ...

:sadhug