Roll call 94?

He put me through a lot of pain, but then there were some of the most fun moments ive ever had.

Thing is, because im alone so often and considering where i live (in the country), idk if ill ever find someone else. Im not trying to replace him right now. But i keep thinking, i guess i had this idea in my head that by the end of my 20s i wouldve settled down at least by dating someone seriously.

Idk what im saying. We dated for a year and a half. Maybe this is just the end of it.

Its like i knew this was coming. Because he was going to this group home. But I still wasnt prepared. I was just living in the moment.

Seeing as he is trying to better his life...im not. Im just sitting here not doing anything. But theres more to it than that.

I need to focus on myself anyway. Theres not much i can do. Theres only one major thing i need to do tho. Ill just focus on that i guess.

Dont be surprised if you meet someone over the net who is willing to meet you.

My relationships were more unhealthy since I was very lost (later psychotic) and needed someone to cling on to instead of really building something meaningful. I was like a lost puppy with every girlfriend I had.

Over the net? I dont do tinder or that kind of stuff. Not anymore. I dabble in it but its useless. People just want sex. Im looking for someone to build a family with. At least EVENTUALLY.

Fortunately I do have support in the community. We'll see what they think on Monday...

I dont have experience with net meetup really. I did once chat up with this girl and realized I live a block away from her. That was it for my internet meetings.

Im afraid.

Im afraid this will only exacerbate my loneliness and fear of being alone. I dont mean being single, so much as, just being alone all the time.

I dont get how my dad thinks this is ok or good for me. I really dont.

That was the reason why I was after girls, fear of loneliness, and emotional neediness. It didnt matter to me that we were not a good match, I was just escaping the dread.

I dont say that its wrong to feel lonely. Just find the right ones to give you good company you deserve.

I have to be real with myself.

But i am afraid to be alone. Maybe its because i dont have enough friends. Im sure its that. Or maybe that im not really doing anything with my life. Idk. Im sure a combo of everything

I find hobbies to be life savers...
When something is out of your reach, look for things near/inside you that you can influence.

Thank you.

Its stuff like this i wish i was back in my psychotic state, because i didnt have to worry about people. I wasnt dependent on people. All i needed was myself.

I dont think im gonna take my meds tonight

careful now

Its ok. I think im just gonna skip them for today.

Don't you remember how you felt last time you just skipped a day?

I had a great time on the okcupid dating website. The only problem is that the women who wanted something real I couldn't muster up the chemistry. There were a few women that drove me mad in a good way. It's funny, i'm such a relaxed guy, but when I meet the right woman I start to question everything in my life and I'm just a nervous wreck during the second date. God, the feeling of driving home after a first date and you have that euphoric high at first. Then you get near your home and park, and you start to question what you're doing with your life, how you might not be able to provide, your instability, all your little problems seem to magnify because you care so much. Anyways, those ladies see the crack in confidence and question if they want to be with a man like me. It gives me hope though. I haven't tried in quite some time...

Yes. Kinda.

Not sure what im looking for anymore.

All i can wonder is if all this off and on with meds is making me sicker than usual. Idk. I just want my life to be different. I guess i cant handle change and always seem to go back to what i had. Ive never embraced change. and change happens against my will.

This was me when i was feeling better yesterday.

i am beginning to feel like no one understands me
i don't feel like i am ever being heard

I hear you.

I need a drink

thanks valley
i just feel a little hopeless right now

Is anyone up?

do you need to talk?