Roll Call 142!

it was the same with my dad.... diagnosed new years day 1997 died April 30 1997

sorry you're feeling bad

I make notes to talk about in therapy cause sometimes I go there n just freeze up and say nothing and feel dumb

As much as I have crazy ideas about the afterlife, the DMT realm, mixing a bunch of religions together, buddhism, perception on reality with other dimensions and universes and black holes...

I find not having an afterlife to be liberating. Like this is the only life. My life is pretty good. I have down days (Many) but if there is nothing when I die, there wouldn't even be blackness. It would be like being another person that doesn't exist. Yet I'm still conscious.

So still being a pantheist (Something I can't shake off because of psychedelics making me see more than atheist), I can sleep for a while.. then decide to be a God or something.. But it's like I have to make a choice.. atheist or pantheist.. I like to think of myself as an atheist but in life, being a pantheist is fun because I get to think about ideas outside of the possibility and only now has it been integrating with science with the introduction of psychedelics and ideas about consciousness.. Something that the government has tried to stop..

I find comfort in my death and I think that brings down a lot of my anxiety about my heart stopping. But the only thing is that if I die, I will leave my family behind which would make me sad - even if I didn't exist. Because all that would exist is sadness of my past self..

I know I think about death a lot and that's kinda why I'm a little depress..

Whoa...look at me! It’s 11:45 and I’m still up. I’m an animal
Angelique...any chance you can get Netflix? I found a series “I Am A Murderer”. Fascinating stuff from both sides.

I can't calm down and feel scared of all these coincidences. It's like a coincidence screams at me in the face "I am targeting you" but I know it's not real. Although my perception is without reassurance. I miss my old psychologist. He understood. My new therapist doesn't get it.

My old psychologist/psych nurse was really really good at dealing with schizophrenia specifically.

I don't know when I'm depressed or not anymore because the smallest thing can change my thinking and it goes down in a complete spiral of thoughts that I can't control. I'm not in control. I feel like it's my responsibility to stay sane.

It's like this specific time, I'm a completely different person that everyone hates. I didn't have this problem before. I feel like I'm in a waking nightmare. Everything I say is tainted with evil. I think I might be a completely evil person that would burn the whole world to the ground given to the chance for my own pleasure. I know that's not true. Maybe I'm just intelligent and see both sides of how one can be good or evil and talking about evil makes me think I am evil when in reality, I'm trying to point it out.

I get my injection on wednesday.

I shut out everyone in my life that wanted to help me.

I miss the life that I always complained about. It was better than this.

I want to make my own articles. I have some ideas in mind.

There could be someone controlling my actions. And I'm the only person that exists. But I prefer to think of it as a simulation created by aliens than a God. God has connotations of love involved.

This isn't love. This is madness.

But I'm feeling better now anyways. Imma go to sleep. Wake up and the sun will be shining. It will be absolutely beautiful!

Edit: Oh God I'm a scientologist now? lol I'm done. *Throws hands in the air* Donnnnne

a tall pine tree snapped at the trunk and fell on our house. we are okay!!

I’m glad your safe Junk. Did it damage the house much? Hard to tell from photos...

Glad you are okay. Hope there isn’t much damage.
That’s a hell of a way to wake up.

Slept really good last night

Morning! Damn. Feels like winter now.
Nothing much going on today. I think we’re all staying home relaxing.
Making lasagna for dinner. Mmmm cheese.

no damage to the house as far as we can tell

I don't know, lol. That sounds good though. The past 4 days or so I've been immersed in the Manson family, still have a ton of videos left. Very creepy and horrible. I'll look that up, thanks.

I'm glad to read that! I hope you'll have better sleep more and more without painful dreams.

I’m really bored and have excess energy. I think I’m going to make my soups for the week. It’ll be easier than making 2 dinners every night again.
Making these:
Notification

Best Lentil Soup Recipe - Cookie and Kate

And more broccoli and potato. I liked that.

Sounds nice!

I went through a phase of making my own soups. I think my favourite was leek and potato soup. Also liked my broccoli soup.

About to head to the store for my monthly trip

Afternoon,

I’ve just woken up from a nap. Not been up to much today. Just been chatting really.

Just watching The West Wing now.

Is that good? It's on Netflix here

Morning

Had coffee and took my meds

Yeah it’s really good. The first episode is a bit confusing but when you get to know the characters it’s great. I’m on season 2 now.

Went to the store. First time leaving my apartment in 2 days.