Roll Call 142!

Lost the key to my mailbox.

Gonna have to go up to the post office and get a new one tuesday

This really sucks because I got an email that my letter from vocational rehab was delivered. The one time I actually need to read a letter...

Someone kill me

Im working

I'm seeing faint faces almost constantly showing up on my screens. Makes no sense. I'll start journaling these things again for the pdoc...

I'm so sorry Blue_Bird. If you need to talk at any point feel free to message me.

I quit

I think im gonna start on another book. But itll be longer. We will see.

Did my shopping.
Proud of myself. Got Wendy’s for my son and his gf and I didn’t get anything for myself. Even though I was starving!
I’m eating a much less exciting meal.
Banana on seed bread with chia, flax, and hemp seeds and watermelon. Better than it sounds...or looks. Wish seeds weren’t so good for you. I feel like a bird lol

I love my cats

Annie just helped me when I was hearing something not there and having



Anyway Annie helped me come back to reality and purred and got me to pet her

I’m so sorry Blue_Bird. I 100% know what you are going through.
My mom died of cancer. Diagnosed January 2nd 2007 and dead September 6th 2007. She suffered tremendously and eventually wasted away.
I know everyone says it and you probably just want to hit people that do but it does eventually get better. You never ever get over it or stop being sad. But in time the memories become more pleasant and you can look back and smile. I still tear up when I talk or think too much about my parents but I’m not strangled by it anymore.
The first couple years were almost unbearable. My heart hurts for you.
it will get easier.

Thanks valley, I appreciate that. I'm sorry about your mom cancer is so horrible. I hate it. It's scary.

I lost my grandmother to Leukemia as well. It overtook her so quickly, too. It's hard to believe its been 16 years. But yes, as Valley said, the good memories will gradually get better, and over time things get easier.


I'm glad Annie helped ground you and get you back to reality and the present moment.

Anytime BB. If you ever need to talk I’m usually around.

I’m so glad you have your cats
I took over ownership of my moms dog when she died. She brought me years of joy and love.

Oh and I meant to add this.
My mom was incredible and not just because I love her. About 4 months after her doc we were out shopping with the kids and she said to me “I am grateful for this cancer...it’s given me a chance to live”.
I will never forget that.

Theres just something about the smell of something cooking/burning soothes my senses...

...food, fireplace, incense, candle, sage, etc

I noticed theres quite a few mixed black people here in this town. You dont see them often but when u see someone black, like my age or younger, they are mixed. Makes me happy!

I live in a town any redneck would be proud to call home. I think out of the 10k people in my town, there are maybe a dozen black families. If that...seriously. My daughter has 3 black kids in her school. When I went to school all the way up to high school with 1 black girl and she moved within a year.
I am lucky enough to have some color married into and adopted into my family . I’m so grateful because I worry so much about my kids growing up thinking white is the norm. Kwim?

God I'm making connections still today, connections I was making 6 years ago.

I love pen1s and ballz

Are you under greater stress than usual? Having more trouble sleeping?
I really hope this passes soon.

I see my psychologist Monday after work. I'm going to make him a list of my thoughts for our Monday meeting. It's been so long since I've seen him, I have a lot to tell him unfortunately. My sleepiong has improved though. I really need a 2 hour meeting to be honest. I do have a rather large stress that I need to learn to see clearer.

I was filling up the closets with stuff that the housekeepers need at work. I make sure that they never go empty. Not once have I let them go empty. So I sit here with nothing to do but occupy my own mind for the benefit of myself.

Then my coworker goes and fills up the closets with extra stuff that isnt needed and makes me look bad. My goal is to make SENSE. I don't care if I look bad.

What pisses me off about the world more than anything is those women sweeping spotless pavement in North Korea because if they don't, they'll get no food or be killed or something. That's why I'm not sweeping spotless hallways. But my boss tells me to sweep anyways. I won't do it. I'd rather benefit my mind and occupy it with non-agitated mental states.

I seem to make the most ethical and logical sense out of most people. People question the dimensions I live in with anger. For me, it's the same to them, but with less anger.

There's a book called "******** jobs" that I want to read. It's about how technology made it so people have to do less work than say in the 80's but people still have to pretend that they are busy. That annoys the hell out of me.

Is there something wrong with my thinking? I mean, when there's something to do, I always work my hardest and I've been a really good worker for all the jobs that I've been in. Just at my welding job, I wasnt allowed to weld and had to clean a spotless shop. I've been doing that in the mechanics shop since I was 16 and had enough of that so I quit because I had to start again in a new shop.

I only do things that make sense..

I hope you are able to talk it out.
I’m not big on talking to real people but I need a venting place so I’m here lol.
It really does help to talk it out (or type in my case).
Good luck!

There is someone watching me. Idk who. Monitoring my every move. Maybe they're here. Idk.