Roll Call 152

Good morning =]

Night meds knocked. Me. Out.

Now I'm awake. It's a sunny day. Good for mountain biking!

I take psychotics (Vyvanse, weed) and antipsychotics (Zyprexa, Seroquel, Invega) to balance them out o.o

Good luck!

Took a nap, really needed it

slept like 12 hours, idk why but I'm not gonna complain.

Everything happened at the same time as nothing

Hey! Feeling better. Not 100% but I’d say 80% all day
I’m stressed right now though.
Hubbys been sick. Daughter had strep. Hubbys throat is red, swollen, generally f’d up for days...finally this morning he says he’ll go after work.
Well he gets out at 3:20 barring implosion at facility. I called at 3:25 and again at 3:45. I text several times.
Nothing.
Now if he’s stuck at work he has the office phone. If he left work early he had all the time leading up to then to call me from his office. Then he had parking lot to urgent care to call.
Nothing.
WTAF???
This man has watched me struggle with anxiety for 26 years (this Sunday). He knows first hand how I get.
So on top of being really worried I’m really pissed that he made the choice not to call me and give me a heads up.
I hate when people are inconsiderate of my feelings. I really don’t have many to speak of. But fear is def one of them.

I'm exhausted as fck!

Fiance bought me a pint of rocky road. I didnt even ask. I love this man!

I was at Walmart buying cat treats and I almost bought a utility knife with the thought of self harming. It was three dollars. I put it in my basket. And stopped myself. Put it back. Didn’t buy it.

It’s like I don’t even feel like self harming it’s just in the back of my mind I almost want the option in case I did want to.

Old habits die hard, man. I’ve been struggling with self harm on and off for about ten years or so.

I feel like shyt.

I feel so anxious.

I'm honestly getting so anxious about everything. I'm wondering if I'm seeing shyt. Idk. Either way I'm under a lot of pressure. And idk I feel like I'm about to like implode.

I feel lack of motivation

I need to meditate. I'm stressed. But I don't feel like doing anything.

I need to find a strain that works like Vyvanse. For wakefulness, energy, mood lift. Like "Green Crack".

But it could cause anxiety and paranoia.

That's like me. Every time. Except sometimes I don't put it back. Good on you for putting it back and not buying it. HUGS Kit

Won these two things on that Clawee app game on my free tokens!

This past Tuesday would have been my moms birthday

HUGS @Blue_Bird

Can you build up an immunity to the cat? Usually I'm allergic for a couple weeks and then it passes.

I'm feeling better today than I have been the past two days. I'm still not feeling normal, or like myself, but I am feeling better. The suicidal thoughts aren't screaming at me anymore. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm going to try to rest tonight. Go to bed early. Then tomorrow I see T after work. About 25 hours until my appointment. Maybe 25 hours and 15 minutes.

I'm excited to get my new glasses. Hopefully I get them next week. They are black on the outside and pink on the inside. They cost me around $190. Which I didn't think was too bad. I can't find my old pair. My old pair is 4 or 5 years old and I've been looking everywhere and I can't find them. The new ones have a blue light filter which is supposed to be good for computer screens. I'm wondering if it will help any with the migraines. Probably not, but worth a shot. I can't wait to get my new glasses. I really hope they come in soon. I got them at Target Optical.

I'm not sure. Allergies can change over time so I don't see why not. Also they make special shampoos and stuff that you can use on the cat that will help with dander, but I don't know about you, I don't want to try to give either one of my cats a bath! I do brush them, but I can't see myself giving them a bath. I would be clawed up from here to Kingdom come!

I'm allergic to bananas. Sometimes even touching the peel will make my hands break out in hives. My mouth gets itchy and it's just not good. Sometimes melon will do that to me too, I just have to be careful. My cousin was allergic to a bunch of stuff as a child but now as an adult she's hardly allergic to anything. I guess she grew out of it.

I hear you about motivation and learning philosophy. You might like Boethius who wrote a book called The Consolation of Philosophy. It's old school though. Maybe you could do what I do and have a job where you can listen to audiobooks, podcasts, lectures, and songs while at work. Something that keeps your body busy, but like in a meditative state of mind where you can listen well. It's the environment where I listened to upward of up a thousand lectures, way better than a university lecture, although, philosophy in the classroom taught me how to writer better.

Having a job for me has brought structure to my life that I found I needed. It forces me to get up in the morning and feel the pull to be productive so that I can pay rent, car repairs (which are the WORST), and pay for food. My roommates brother now lives with us and he has a phd but he wont work, he sounds mentally healthy and lucid.

Are you able to feel negative emotions like when you feel like you've let someone down? When I emotionally completely flat I didn't give a **** about work, I had to fight for my negative emotions so that I could get the anxiety to get up in the morning to help my boss and co workers.

My boss is cool to let me have a few beers at lunch, it's the only thing that allows me to feel any positive emotion, although, Seroquel greatly diminished that to next to nothing, but alcohol still helps. I know it's horrible to say that... I only drink at lunch, and when I write, but that's what an alcoholic would say, sooo… I guess of the shoe fits. I don't drink in the morning or evening though.

If you need a lecture, podcast, or book recommendation @ me and I'll point you to aa direction, brother. You're family man.

My cat had a bath and she had to self clean herself for hours afterwards. I felt so bad for her.

My dog likes to be blow dried. When I blow dry my hair she will race into the bathroom and stand up with her front legs on my leg and wait for me to blow dry her hair--even though she's not wet. It's cute.