Roll Call 152

Lol if there is a god then I assume that things will get much better for me down the line because I've been through so much hell.

But the rule of life is that the schizo is plagued with eternal severe hell

I just want to sleep and for today to be over ,

Online dating update 6:
It isn't going well because I can't go out on a date when I make $234 a week. I've been planting seeds here and there, but I'm not really getting many responses. I think half the problem is that I'm really not seeing many potential dates with good profiles that I connect with. There was 1 woman, she was 42, I felt our profiles sync'd but nothing came of it. :-/

1) I need a better picture of myself
2) It would look better on paper if I said I had a better job

All i said basically is that I'm an author but I have a day job to pay the bills, and left it at that. There was one other profile that interested me, she was definitely a reader, I mean, no one casually takes up Ulysses for some light reading. It's one off the toughest reads in the "Western Canon". She hasn't responded back... but, usually they all wait until Sunday night. So we'll see!

What platform are u using? Tinder or okcupid? Or something else?

Noise has been confusing and scaring me. I'm scared. Constantly scared , always

Newt,
I apologize about my book. I made a major change again. The ending has completely changed. The ending is now 20 pages longer. I'll send you another copy. It only costs $5 bucks. I have your address. I was always insecure with the anti-climactic ending. briefly put--it sucked. Now the ending is spot on, super mythic, and I nailed it finally. I finally worked it out and I brought it all together like a crescendo. I still have a few minor tweaks left though to get pagination and headers working.

Goethe in his Work Faust wrote his book the same way. I think it's because Faust was kind of mingled with who Goethe was, and he always added upon it throughout his life. In it he wrote a poem about how it was like patchwork, as he tweaked this, and added that. His first bits started to release in 1790 until 1831 when he finally released it before he past away. There were parts that he still wished he was able to complete, such as a debate between Faust and the devil among the faculty and students. That would have been truly awesome.

Are you getting auditory hallucinations? Or paranoid thoughts abou the noises? Sometimes I turn on some times I turn on music to drown out the noise from beyond my door.

Ok I'm gonna message u.

yeah, I will try that, thank you

I would never use tinder. I like a platform where I can layout who I am, and conversate with likeminded women. Yeah okcupid. Is there a better one?

I really dont know of a better one. Another thing I do when I was was dating was befriend friends of friends on fb. That's how I found my fiance. Well my fiance found me. He kept talking to me. He wouldnt leave me alone, and then I gave him a chance lol. That came about because I added a bunch of people from my high school days (10 years ago). Him and I went to high school together. But we never really hung out or anything.

Meds;
Atenolol 50mg 2x a day
Vyvanse 50mg in the morning
Seroquel 50mg at night

Nootropics;
Nicotine spray
Caffeine
CBD

These are all the things I will take for two weeks because I've been out of control with the depressants. I will meditate, go to bed on time, wake up on time and try to be stable and think about the horrors that I have been putting myself through.

Life can be beautiful when I see it properly

This girl I met on reddit...idk. it's kinda weird.

She wanted to talk like 2 weeks ago. So I waited for 3 hours for her to call. She said she was on the phone with her aunt the whole time.

She said she wanted to talk again today. I said ok and some other stuff. And she didnt reply. I replied again an hour later and she said she had to go do something and will call me later.

Idk what's going on... but I did tell her I would be in bed by 8 or 8:30pm cuz I gotta work. It's weird idk. She doesnt have a fb or anything she says...

I tried playing guitar but my fingers hurt

Honestly, I like to keep a low profile on Facebook after what happened at the university an my home town. It helps not have paranoid thoughts.

Yea I understand. I went off the grid the 3 or 4 years I was sick. So no one knows really anything about me. But I'm opening up a bit.

When I was sick I wasn't even on the grid in the first place. I was dead in the basement with spirits.

So 3 days fasting is becoming a thing now. I wonder what does that mean for people with eating disorders. It's like.. encouraging people to not eat..

My mom made a sandwich so I will start the 3 day fasting tomorrow. I told her about it and she said it's a good idea. It would help for her to fast too while going through chemotherapy because it helps with that.

Oh man I'm drunk on phenibut

I just got on the grid when I began to get sick. As soon as I got a smart phone BOOM! It's a bad time to be a schizophrenic.

Soon we will be one with the singularity. Sending messages with our thoughts with an AI god playing a game with fake money where we will have to work as slaves in virtual reality. Everyone will be schizophrenic. Cameras projecting images of porn stars on our faces and having sex with each other.

Holy cow, an ex girlfriend that I dated, who was a psychologist at UofM while I was sick, she just said she'd write a letter of recommendation to the next woman I meet. That was awesome to hear! lol

"Damaged goods

- Signed, his ex,"

Nahh.. I hope u find woman. One day, I will find woman. But I'm too young for that rn.

I feel good today

Phenibut induced happy morning for me

Saw the ward pdoc and my therapist today. They said I’m psychotic.

I was talking to another patient in the ward about writing music and she was like “oh! Great place to write here, no distraction. Finish an album and then poof, no more voices I’m good to leave!” Not funny. I’d turn this **** off in a heartbeat if I could. But its real and it’s my reality. The spirit sister says they’re all plotting against me. I know it. I didn’t do anything wrong but the conspiracy was just leaked. I need to tell my therapist off cause she’s part of it too. Everyone here is a psychic spy looking for me.