Roll Call 156

I think of drawing but I don't have paper that isn't lined and no good pencil.

Also there's so many choices. And I prioritize my time too much.

I feel like I don't have time to meditate even.

A master once said "Do you have time to breathe??? That's all you gotta do.."

There are definitely walking meditations...maybe get some art supplies for a down day?

Yessssss for a down day! Cuz I'm so hard on myself when I'm down.. I can just draw instead...

But also I have to work on the problem of when I'm down like "I'll TAKE x to feel better" instead of "I'll DO x to feel better"...

Feeling a bit of derealization or whatever it is. I've had it for about two days now. It's not so intense like last year where I'd immediately get a panic attack.

Ketamine made it worse on my last dose, psilacetin did at the end of 5mg, and a candy flip also caused it before.

I wonder if my Invega injection is on Friday (Then that might be why). I wonder if I take a 5mg olanzepine then I'll feel better.

But I'm going to take 100mg Seroquel tonight instead of 50mg (My psychiatrist says I can take anywhere from 25-100mg).

At first I thought derealization was a form of psychosis, then I was told it was panic attacks (But it just caused panic attacks). Now I find out that it's a completely different thing.. A form of dissociation..

But I'll try not to think too much about it. I believe I'm delaying any symptoms of psychosis by being in a meditative state of not thinking about it until it all builds up. Is that possible? Idk..

God I'm a very aware of myself nut

Also I realize sometimes that I'm talking when I'm talking to people in a conversation (Like being really aware of it). It's really weird. I'm not going to think about it anymore or the jinx will continue. This is the last time I'll mention it unless it continues...

AAAAHHHHHH ... this happens to me too. It is bizarre as ****.

I also find that I realize I am breathing while I am breathing ... and it is creepy because ... it is actually an odd sensation when you are consciously aware of it happening ... AAAHHH WTF brain ... STAHP IT ... It is VERY weird.

Yes! I hate when I become aware of my breathing. I have body anxiety or something.

I’m really disappointed in this gingerbread recipe....the frosting was so thick I had to add more lemon and even then it wasn’t piping well. I just did a few bears then gave up, there was no way to make them all white or even stylish. Plus I think that even though I like the spices my stomach is reacting poorly. I’m thinking of tossing them all.

Feel really good this morning. Going skiing.

I feel powehful! Focused, awake, no dissociation.. little hypomania (Like always), zero psychosis (No schizo), talkative...

No tiredness from the 100mg seroquel.

Sorry to hear I know you were looking forward to them

I just saw an oreo gingerbread house kit when I was at the pharmacy, it looked so good, I want to get one

Just got back from the pharmacy and library. Going to dinner with my friend tonight

It sucks when it has to do with the heart.. "Hyperawarenss of the heart syndrome". I had it bad and was talking about my heart in every post on here when there is absolutely nothing wrong with my heart. I was put on a beta blocker to slow it down to 75bpm because I didn't like a resting heart rate of 90bpm. It's all insanity.. It's like the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I got a EKG about 20 times because I'd go to the ER and say "Check my heart" and they'd say "You're just having a panic attack" but they'd check it anyways and it'd be completely fine. I think it's because my mom has several heart conditions and I got paranoid.

I've been doing crossword puzzles a lot lately, It's been really helpful for relaxation and makes me feel good because sometimes I learn something new

I used to be obsessed with my heart as well, I'd constantly be checking my pulse and having panic attacks over it, I still do that sometimes, but nowhere near as much now that I'm taking Inderal and having less anxiety

I get all anxious and worried over my heart as well. Sometimes it seems like it is beating weird. I had a test done at the ER but it didn't show anything abnormal. But it still scares me.

Plus heart attacks run in my family.

Feeling nervous about going out tonight

I get that way too @Blue_Bird usually I end up okay and having a nice time and the anxiety before hand is way worse than the event. I hope that you have a nice time. HUGS Kit

Thank you! Yeah it's usually the same for me. Anticipatory anxiety is usually bad then things go fine

Had a lot of fun! Another friend ended up coming too so there was 3 of us, it was a nice time

I had thought today was Sunday for some reason, like my brain isn't working properly today for some reason

I also got confused about where a certain street that I know was that's like one block from my apartment

I feel very weird. Like I'm on the verge of disconnecting from reality and going into psychosis. It's kind of scary. Hearing spirits tonight

Sorry to hear bluebird do you think it’s from anxiety?

I'm not sure. Possibly. I get really overstimulated when I go out, when I come home I end up really hyper, pacing and getting caught up in delusions, I had one tonight I got caught up in but was able to pull myself back into reality. It's strange. I've felt weird all day, confused mostly. I'm hoping my night med helps, I took it about an hour ago