Roll Call 156

I had too much caffeine today so I'm probably having a panic attack , that's likely what it is

too much caffeine and not enough sleep and that equaled voices tonight. I'm just distracting myself from it

I keep saying I'm gonna draw, really need to. I did yesterday. there's a few things I want to work on, I need to come up with designs for 3 Christmas cards

Someone is talking really loud it sounds like they're arguing on the phone, aggravating,weird since my neighbor is an old guy who goes to sleep at like 7 and there's a brick wall on the other side

Dear One, you are focusing way to much on who you think you should be, and way to much on what you think your life is suppose to be like. What you should be focusing on right now - - is this precise - - precise - - precise - - moment - - not how other people perceive your life. Bring your attention to what you absolutely can control in this moment- - in this moment- - in this moment. Try “Instead of working on changing what people think of you - - I am going to work on mastering my mind moment by moment. I will practice non-resistance. I will imagine one day being free from this dynamic. I will imagine feeling confident. That you are exactly where, what and who you are supposed to be at this precise, exact moment. There are no mistakes in the universe. We are all parts of the universe.

This happens to me sometimes. I have no idea what it is all about, it is quite random.

This is so interesting to me. I have done random research binges about spirituality when I have been awake for long periods of time as I needed to pass the time. (I refuse to just lay in bed when I cannot sleep, my mind will devour me if I do that.) I liked many conceptions of the underworld that I learned about, the themes of transformation/cycles of life, death, and rebirth are utterly fascinating.

I wonder if a part of what makes psychosis so frightening is the mind trying to resolve the universal fear of the unknown ... I wonder if what I conceptualize as "evil" is what I cannot understand and thus what is unknown to me.

I like your idea of redirecting the psychosis. Far too many simply want to focus on eliminating it ... and that option is not feasible for me. But directing it in a less frightening way is at least in theory far more realistic.

I've been depressed past 2 weeks, at least.

I'm starting to wonder if that gap, past 2-3 weeks when I didnt have my vitamin d, if it's making me depressed. I have it now but I don't feel good yet. But I been feeling lethargic past 2 days.

I know many doctors have said my labs say my vit D is extremely low.

It definitely makes a difference why did you stop?

I was so deficient in vitamin D at one point that I had to take prescription vitamin D to get back to normal. I made a point to go outside way more often after that (and I take vitamins regularly now). Lol.

I was talking with my little sister about this (She wants to be a psych nurse or counsellor). She's never been really good at math but she was explaining that my mind (Mathematic type) sees ONE solution or answer to certain things.. And when you're doing an English essay or questions, you can say whatever you want because there's many answers.. So like.. Brains that are good at math (Like John Nash) end up having schizophrenia idk.. Logical INTP personality type..

Cuz I went on an INTP forum and they complain about negative symptoms a lot.. It's a "Logician" personality type. I only got my personality and sanity back after I did psychedelics which is weird because they seems to cause psychosis in most people and definitely did in me. I can't explain much of it idk..

But this is all theory because anyone can get schizophrenia. I do believe that schizophrenia is a set of mathematical equations which is why the right therapy should work instead of just draining the brain of dopamine and serotonin with antipsychotics..

"There's a phenomenon called "SAS - Stimulant-Antipsychotic Syndrome" and psychiatrists don't know about it. I'm one of the few to be on both. I didn't take ADHD med in 48 hours and I was dying of tiredness. Intense tiredness and mental pain that manifests itself as physical pain in my mind like someone was pulling out my organs. I don't know how else to explain it. When I took my morning meds, within half an hour, I was completely normal again.

Sometimes a psychiatrist says "Stimulant addictive blablabla" and take me off of it without tapering down.

What needs to happen is to TAPER DOWN. Not take me off the stimulant completely and make me suffer of movement disorders like dystonia or parkinsons symptoms or take me off the antipsychotic completely and make me suffer of full blown psychosis and anxiety.

Everything needs to be handled with severe caution. I'm telling - (You crazy Facebook people) - About my problems so I have proof if any doctor does malpractice."

I ran out. I have some now tho.

I was having symptoms of psychosis from not taking my stimulant. But it was because I was so tired and in a trance state.. so the type of hallucinations that people with narcolepsy get. I saw my sister transforming into a demon thing in the doorway.

But I was thinking.. About how we are brains and we know nothing about the brain and it's all just neurotransmitters and we're just energy or someone's hallucination.. that we are hallucinations.. or a simulation.. I looked at the sun while going skiing and thought.. yeah this is a simulation.. and what about GOD? Is an orgasm GOD like the mantra or what shamans do with their voice to simulate the universe ranging from all vocal chords and then a climax? What about our arms? Everything was made with the "hand"..

It's all crazy stuff if you go deep into the meaning of things..

INTPs are great, they "get" me ... and they can tolerate and enjoy my insufferable and endless extrapolations of thought; and of taking apart entire systems of thought, theories, philosophies, ideologies, belief systems, etc. and putting them back together in entirely different forms with new insights just because well eh why not it is a good mental exercise.

I am an INTJ, which usually makes a few people do an obligatory, "oh **** please do not eat me" due to rampant stereotyping, heh. The Machiavellian mastermind thing is overdone by now. Though, that said I do have ridiculously excellent foresight, and I use my powers for good ... most of the time ...

I have never done psychedelics, though the purely scientific part of my mind is curious about what that kind of thing would do to a brain like mine that is continuously psychotic as it is.

For me, it seems that my schizophrenia is maintained by and has a foundation built upon fear at an extremely basic level. Not anxiety or panic. Not some nonsensical emotional overly personalized subjective abstraction of the word "fear" either. I am talking about fear in a more cerebral sense of the word and also the very primal/instinctive sense of the word simultaneously. This of course is not a complete idea, it is still being tossed around in my mind.

I have low vitamin D as well. For a while I was taking prescription vitamin D. Then I switched doctors and the new one doesn't check that so I don't worry about it anymore. I'm rather fair skinned and skin cancer runs in my family so I try to stay out of the sun. I've already had to have some suspicious moles removed.

Work was pretty stressful for a while this morning. Tense like. The guy in the next office was having a "discussion" with the General Manager but the General Manager wasn't being very quiet or very kind. So even though the door was closed, I could still hear most of what the General Manager was saying. Whenever people seem to be arguing it upsets me. The other guy was keeping his cool and was very quiet and I know that was probably hard for him not to lose his cool. Now there is a meeting in the office on the other side of me, with some different people but also this same employee. I turned on my heater so I don't hear as much. I don't want to be really anxious at work today.

Hey SP, keeping your family in my prayers.

Hi Angelique ... long time, no see. *waves*

Me too, my tongue just won't seem to heal.

Hi AD! I've wondered how you have been. I'm glad you here again! My mom is going through a lot now, Im very worried.

I'm tired today and hungry. It's almost lunchtime. My dad made me potatoes and eggs for breakfast but IDK, I'm just hungry today. Probably the stupid AP. Last night I was so hungry too. Like I hadn't eaten all day, even though I had, though small portions.

First of all, I am very sorry about your mother. I know things were not going well for her the last time I was around here with any consistency.

I have been my usual state of continuously psychotic, though thankfully I have not been in any serious crises since early 2017. I most certainly am without a doubt insane, but not in any way that endangers myself or anyone else. One of my many unfortunate troubles has been that notorious, pervasive, and profound lack of insight that schizophrenia is infamous for ... hence my absence.

I do hope you are doing as well as can be reasonably expected, given your circumstances.

Today is the worst day ever.

hope you feel better

My dentist gave me some rinses that help sooth/heal them but it's still aggravating that I keep biting my cheeks hard in my sleep, Idk why it keeps happening lately, I hope your tongue heals

I wish I could just fast forward through the rest of this week, or sleep straight through it. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving. and I'm hanging out at my friends this weekend and then having coffee with my sister. But the rest of this week won't be good, just due to some stressors.