Roll Call 156

You remind me of myself. Up down up down D: But mine isn't bipolar. Idk if yours is but this seems like what I deal with all the time so no worries you're not alone =]

Bluebird you’re very important to me personally and I suspect others on the forum. I’m sure your sister loves you. I know you have friends because you just went out the other day. People care about you. As far as God you probably need to separate the feelings you had in psychosis from the connection you have now. Some of us thought we were speaking with God directly but that may have been a hallucination, or you never know it could have been real. Thing is most people have to see God in life rather than communicate directly. So enjoying the taste of a fresh fruit and knowing everything that had to happen from seed to store to get you something that no human can create, sure we can cultivate but not make. Enjoying the wind on a fall day knowing No human controls that wind. Knowing how extremely rare life is in the universe and how extremely lucky we were to ever have a chance at at. Idk I’m no pastor/preacher but I think once you realize connecting with God is subtle, perhaps you’ll find him again?

Thank you, I appreciate this. I think just got used to the euphoria I used to feel about being connected to god whenever I was manic and i guess I just miss that. It probably wasn't normal to feel as connected to God as I did but it just feels dull without it I guess. I'm trying to practice my faith again.

I think the holidays are hard because I really miss my mom, she was my best friend

Thank you tweaky I have a difficult time around the holidays

Went to the library and got some documentaries and a Christmas movie. Going to lunch later. They're putting up all the wreaths and Christmas lights around town now

Morning

Weighed myself and I lost a pound.

Also fiance and I are strapped for money this month, but i calculated it and we had to spend and extra 600 bucks just to move in here. 250 because of his credit, and 300 to pay the other place off. Plus some extra things.

I can only imagine how hard it must be without your mom, I’m a lot older and my mom is still my rock.

I'm gonna try to eat portion controlled servings of Thanksgiving and Christmas meals. I'm gonna try really hard. It's always this time of year that I put on 10 pounds.

I worked hard to eat right in august and gained the ten pounds back after my birthday with the cake and candy. Now I've lost it again. I'm back to 201 today and i really dont want to mess up again.

Another quick sketch. It's supposed to be claws ripping through paper

So embarrassed

I just walked into the wrong meeting at work and sat down.

I excused myself.

I think pantheism is an understanding of the universe like many people don't get. That everything exists in some other dimension and that there's infinite dimensions. God doesn't notice or it can. It really doesn't matter - Just what you make of it.

I was listening to my mom talk on the phone and was ignoring my cat. My cat doesn't understand that. Maybe it did. But what if you run a stop sign while driving and you passed and it didn't notice it since a cop didn't see you? The stop sign could have been watching a movie or watching porn and didn't notice you.

How do I not get psychosis while being a pantheist? Idk. Psychedelics teach me this and to truly know is to scramble the brain in a very good way.

Life is supposed to be a mystery.

Your art is getting better and better....

I asked a psychonaut "Why can't we remember before we were born unless life is some sort of test?"

And he said;

"As someone who has studied brain anatomy and neuroscience: Memories are formed and stored in the brain and you don't have one to form memories with until you are born and have developed for a while. Your thoughts and memories can be corresponded to the flow and interaction of chemicals in your neurons. It makes sense that memories from this life would only be tied to the neurons that exist in your current form. If you ever lived a past life, the memories of it left with the brain/body that was left in the ground."

"To be fair, I think that on some level we do "remember" our past lives. Think about how we got here. We passed on knowledge to others and they continued to do the same in the name of progress and discovery. Think about all the tiny interactions those long gone did. Every interaction between them caused the universe to play out to how it is right now. Memory is just how we interpret the actions that came before. Our thoughts are usually words or feelings, and those are passed from person to person over time (and even person to animal). We're still passing those thoughts and feelings around to one another. The love and hate that is passed around came from somewhere, usually those older than us. But where does it stop? When did it start? Fun stuff to think about."

Another one said;

"you also can't remember what happened when you died in your last life. this is the immense power of maya which covers your consciousness and makes you forget your past lives. just think if you could remember all your past lives, and all the traumas you experienced. you wouldn't be able to handle all of that, and you'd crack."

Regarding the to be fair part I was watching this bird brain thing on Netflix and crows reacted to a caveman mask on a guy they had never seen, the knowledge was passed from generation to generation....because it had been seven years since anyone had worn the mask or something. I’m not sure if it was a genetic fear or through word of beak though. Crows are super smart though.

Now we will all go psychotic together because I shared this information.. Or enlightened.. idk...

#Shared psychotic disorder..

Thank you!

I have an unfortunate ability, to the point of people who are aware of it calling it a superpower, to argue in an extremely convincing and persuasive manner as I am ruthlessly logical and analytical to a damn fault ... and as a result I have convinced an alarming amount of people that my psychoses are 100% true ... including two therapists and one psychiatrist, and yes they all damn well knew I have schizophrenia. Of course they did, they were supposed to be treating me for it, this is what I am talking about when I go on my rants about utter incompetence from these so-called "professionals". I have the records from all three of those individuals that shows it in writing that they 100% believed that my psychoses, particularly my delusions, were 100% factual and based in "consensus reality" and instead wrote off what was actually going on in my life as what was somehow "psychosis" when I can also prove that my life circumstances at the time were indeed my life circumstances (I keep extensive records of my life for a reason, I am used to having to prove that things actually did occur as a diagnosis of schizophrenia means I have zero credibility without being able to show quite a significant amount of evidence). I was stunned many years later when I was going through my records because I, as per usual, had no idea that I was psychotic in the first place during those time periods and it took me several years to realize that those psychoses were, in fact, psychoses ...


Edited to add: People that were/are close to me and you know, not those three insufferably sanctimonious supercilious "professionals" damn well knew I was psychotic, in case anyone is wondering. It was blatant to people who knew me extremely well, but this is what my schizophrenia does ... people who are not wise to its utter evil and/or have egos that are too invested in never accepting the possibility that they are most definitely human and are thus fallible will learn that lesson the hard way if they are around me and my schizophrenia for too long.

HUGS @Blue_Bird, I'm sorry you are struggling right now. I want you to know you matter to me! Kit

It happens. Don't worry about it!

That means they're not very good and can't tell reality from psychosis. I thought that was what the whole training to be a mental health professional for treating schizophrenia was about.

Or their minds are too open. My therapist dismissed schizophrenia (Because I was doubting it) within 5 minutes of talking to her because she's fascinated by autism. She doesn't even know me that well.

Maybe you're like me and they look up to you cuz what you say is so "interesting"? Idk..

It's quite dangerous for them to do this because once off the antipsychotic, the brain crystalizes even more to psychosis so the antipsychotic doesn't work anymore. It's very very dangerous.

Thank you Kit, I appreciate that

You, in a very unique way, truly grasp how dangerous this whole situation has wound up being for me. This really does sum up the nature of and gravity of the problem. The effects this has had on me and my life have been catastrophic at this point.

The bias for or against a certain diagnosis is a very real problem that goes unacknowledged and I am glad you mentioned that. Too many of these people over the years have had a nasty habit of ironically seeing what they wanted to see to confirm their bias towards a certain diagnosis (in my case it most frequently bipolar which is just as laughable now as it was a few years ago ... followed by PTSD, ADHD, and some other BS that I no longer remember) as opposed to what was actually present.

What was "interesting" according to them about you? For me it was my "intelligence". I was consistently, to the point of it being a source of never ending irritation, told I was "unusually, highly, exceptionally, and brilliantly intelligent" (quotes used, because these are their words, I would never speak of myself in this way) as a way to imply that I was therefore "too smart to have schizophrenia". While my IQ has been tested and is indeed above average, I caught on immediately to them trying to say I could not be schizophrenic due to my intelligence ... and I always pointed out that an IQ under a certain threshold was notably absent as a diagnostic criteria for schizophrenia and not a deciding factor for the diagnosis regardless. What utter and complete nonsense.

(Anecdotally, I have yet to meet another person with schizophrenia that is truly "stupid". Though, that is a different discussion.)

I also did not appreciate and still to this day find myself vastly unappreciative of the academic shade of intellectual arrogance that litters much of the institution of psychiatry as a whole. They believe they are oh so above it all, when the truth is that as a collective we still know next to nothing about the human brain and the mind. What we know does not translate into true understanding. Knowledge alone is not a virtue. Apologies for the mini rant, this kind of thing is such a pet peeve of mine.

I'm sorry you feel so bad. Hopefully you will feel like this less and less.

I love that!

Word of beak, that's my new favorite phrase!