Roll Call 166!

I feel like society wants me to become a very different version of myself than I actually am. Society wants me to become a productive member of people as a subclass. I don't know. I'll perpetually exist in the periphery. I would rather exist this way than become what society wants me to become. I also wish I could become a musician. But at some level, I already am one, and look where that's gotten me. I feel like I am a thinker, that's my allure, if you will. People are telling me conflicting things. You know, like my therapist saying I should have more self-esteem or whatever. I don't get that one. I feel like there's always room to play with people's expectations of us and what society actually expects of us. It's weird to think about, really. I mean, could it be true that everything we've come to believe is actually false? And yet people are always not finding "meaning" in life. Not finding purpose or direction. And in some respect, they might have some sense. Though I don't have any perception on how I am perceived by others. Nor do I have any perception of how others perceive me. And yet it seems like going forward with any sort of "plan" in life wouldn't be sufficient. That's why I continue to write. That's why I continue to make stuff up.

Just took my first dose of Fanapt, 1mg.

Side effects! Fun

Dry mouth and it's making me very very sleepy

YES! It's going to thunderstorm all day Friday! That's my kind of weather Perfect for drinking coffee, reading, and binging Netflix shows.

I'm in a really good mood today. I feel thankful and I think practicing gratitude helps a lot.

Just took a shower, now drinking some coffee. Have a lot of trash to take out, the crockpot box, shoe box, and regular trash, will get to that once my hair dries.

Gotta figure out what to read next, something I own on my Kindle I haven't gotten to yet probably. Then there's always the library's ebooks I can borrow.

I'm excited about all the recipes and stuff I'm finding for the crockpot. Happy to get back into cooking in general too because I kind of stopped for quite awhile and was just eating frozen meals. I really enjoy cooking and am feeling more comfortable with the stove in my new apartment now.

I just woke up 10 min ago and I feel nauseous idk why

I'm sick of everything. I'm exhausted. I want everything to end. Is that bad? I can't help it though.. I could swear my brain was releasing DMT last night because it was like I was watching an episode of Futurama through a portal from space into a building. I was taking olanzepine and keyed my moms car cuz she needs my money. I'm ****ing tormented. It doesn't stop. The trip doesn't stop. I want it to stop. I want it all to end.

^ That's nonsense right there. I just needed to let that all out. Hopefully I'll feel better later today.

I feel so so today. I have a migraine, yuck. But I took some medicine, and turned off the light in my office. Now I am chilling with my hoodie on even though it's hot outside. It's not hot inside. The air conditioner makes it cold. I like being bundled up anyway. I don't control the office temperature. Everyone else is like it's so hot. I don't know. Got my work mostly done. I can do some more electronic filing. It's boring though. I did one months worth this morning. Will try to do one month this afternoon. If I go at this pace, I'll be done in 4 more work days with the electronic filing.


Couldn't get Amelia to eat much this morning. She's been catching and killing lizards. Yuck. Then the dog and my other kitty Esther bring them in the house. Double yuck. Esther used to in her prime kill birds and lizards but she would eat the lizards and get sick. Amelia doesn't seem to eat them, just kills them. Yuck, yuck, yuck. I wonder what goes through the mind of a cat sometimes.

Maybe the cake I ate. Too much lactose maybe. I had 2 pieces.

I feel much better after waking up. Took Advil so my headache is gone. I was so exhausted yesterday that I slept 17 hours even without a zopiclone or benzo.

I'm going for a hike today. I took a little more phenibut cuz I was kind of moody. Drinking a coffee.

More rain coming....I prefer the rain in the city...it seems less dangerous....

The space launch was postponed. I get nervous when people go up in rocket ships.

Do cicadas count as locusts? Just trying to figure out which horseman we’re on now.....

Journaling everyday comes 2nd nature to me now, so I'm working on building other habits like praying the Rosary daily.

Hm... I wish I can talk to a counselor or something. My mind is going and my mind is blank. kris kross apple sauce. Nothing makes sense yet in my mind it does. I'm hiding something in my purse. I'm out of my mind. I'm in love with my demons.

Feeling super good after the 16km walk (22 thousand steps)!

I was mad at my mom and her friends cuz of the drama subjection and walked ahead of them all the way home.

But I can't be mad. I can't waste time being mad - It will get me no where. I'm glad my mom had fun with their friends but they were saying "He's heard worse" and a woman said "Just because he's heard worse, doesn't mean that it's ok" (To make such sexual comments often) and it's true. As I was walking away, that woman said "Thanks for putting up with us - We love you" after I gave my mom a hug and walked away.

I'm mad that my mom is now keeping my 10k+ dollars but I can't get mad about money - Although it is really controlling.. Like how can I be independent? I have to figure that out. My mom is going to be working 12 hour days or something so it's much worse for her - And she's cooking the dinners etc.

Some of what the "soldiers" said to me about my identity is true. Idk how I manage to hear the perfect things in my life at the right time.. Seems suspicious..

I was walking across the road and I get pissed at cars revving their engines and making turns exactly where I think they're going to go.. It's like they do it to piss me off.. I saw that guy yesterday and I should have said "You better leave me alone". He seems like such an idiot too.

I'm drinking a chamomile tea and might take 5mg of diazepam. I only took two this week. I'm taking less and less - I couldn't do that with alprazolam because the half life was too short. It's pretty easy to taper with diazepam.

I haven't decided what I wanted to do today but at the end I'll take a zopiclone and go to sleep, wake up and it will be a much better day. I refilled my meds and my Invega injection is now back to every 3 weeks instead of 4.

Works over. Pretty easy day, can't complain. I still haven't had any alcohol--stocking to lemon ice tea. I but a thing of cappuccino for the weekends for when i write. I'm going to maybe keep this going until the end of August because I've read that it takes 3 months to really bounce back. Then it will be just 2 beers a day, no more ever.

The mexican guy at work is really getting stressed out for some reason. He seems like all the responsibility is on his shoulders but there is no reason for him to feel that way. I feel bad for him, even though he makes more than me. This is really easy interior work, there just happens to be a lot of it.

Kinda looking forward to slow work over winter so I can read more books. I don't know guys. I really have nothing to say anymore because of the flat affect.

You're doing awesome man! Reading, working, writing, cutting down on drinking.

I haven't had an alcohol since that glass of wine made me suicidal. I'm lowering the benzos and been tapering phenibut for like months.. But I won't quit.. Keep tapering. You decide when you've had enough.. But a drug does what it does... A beautiful magic of psychoactive molecules it is.. Just like life, each has it's good and bad, heaven and hell, angels and demons... You decide..

Fight the demons.. I'm fighting still.. Although satan lures me into hell. Sometimes I can't catch my breath and I'm slipping into the deep end. I feel the current within - I can't help but give in.. And you know where you're going.. The choices.

Don't lose control. I want to be FJ instead of FP most times.

I googled "hand cooler gloves". They don't exist.

Just hand warmers..

There must be something good about me listening to this much music all day every day.. One sec let me Google..

"Music Increases Happiness. ...
Music Improves Performance in Running. ...
Music Decreases Stress While Increasing Overall Health. ...
Music Improves Sleep. ...
Music Reduces Depression. ...
Music Helps You Eat Less. ...
Music Elevates Your Mood While Driving. ...
Music Strengthens Learning And Memory.
Music Increases Verbal Intelligence
Music Raises IQ and Academic Performances"

Zoom isn’t working so I haven’t been able to get on orientation for uni for an hour and a half.

No emails yet from anybody. I can’t tell you how many emails I have sent for business/job purposes.

No word on my unemployment either.

I’m broke. I’m sad, kinda. No one except my dad has called or texted to check on me. My mom did once yesterday but it was only text and I hadn’t heard from her in almost 2 weeks. I’m sure that’s gonna continue. My friends don’t check on me.

I’m tired. I haven’t slept, again. I’m stressed out. Anxiety all the time.

I’m hungry.


I’m so close to giving up.

I know sp check on me tho.

What I mean is, no one in my real life has checked on me. Whatsoever.

I’m sorry I’ve been complaining so much recently.

My throat is kinda sore

Sorry things aren’t going well newtus

I was just using zoom for the last hour, it’s not down.

Sorry about the rest....