Roll Call 167 :)

I called my mom today, thank God. She sounded good. But she won't use her hearing aid. She says it's hard to place it right. So I was shouting into my headphones, lying on my back in bed, because it's hard to have an anxiety attack when you're lying in bed on your back. The 2 POS were listening to the whole thing. Then there was a hornet in my room and it disappeared after I ended the call. I hung up while my mom was starting another sentence by accident. I feel very guilty. She wants to see the rose bushes she bought at her apartment. The landlady said she'd plant them. Hopefully maybe they can take her to see them.

I have anxiety. A nurse or something told me she'd give me an Ativan for anxiety. I don't know what she meant. One? As opposed to none? The anxiety has gotten worse and worse today. I had it last night too and I forgot to ask for it when my night meds came. I'm really afraid to look for certain stuff in my drawers because the lock gets picked and things get taken. I'm afraid.

Is SP ok? I haven’t heard from her since noon.

Yesssss! My multigemstone heart is still here! I can never wear it because anyone can get in my drawer and take it if they've seen it on me. I hope I never lose it. And I still have my blue suede purse. Those were the things I was too afraid to look for last night. I still have several other things to check like my driver's license and keys.

The CNA's keep not bringing me a snack and I get really hungry at night after I take the risperdal. It might only be one CNA. For some reason he keeps not bringing me one. I already didn't get one after lunch, and I've been hoping they'd just bring one tonight. I don't like it here. I want to go home.

Yes, Blue_Bird hasn't been around for awhile either. I don't know where they are.

I have to brush my hair. I haven't in a few weeks and it's matted again and my scalp hurts on the back.

I'm here I just haven't had anything to say/post

I'm extremely content right now. Some things are bad - But I feel grateful to be alive. I'll try to be more optimistic. On a lower dose of Invega, I don't listen to my positive thoughts or my conscience - They all drowned out. I listen to the bad thoughts instead.

It's weird how aware I've become this year. I'm on the same page as everyone else. It wouldn't be like that if I didn't trip.

It's daylight... I'm gonna try and do some things to feel a sense of accomplishment.. Maybe read idk.. I've been organizing a lot of things.

I do feel scared - Like I'm surviving. I feel the love and feel bad for having such mental episodes over the past few months.

I feel a little zombified from the antipsychotics - Like I don't have the creativity and genius thoughts. It's just calmness - And people wouldn't understand.. Like I can't speak. I'm trapped in a lack of understanding about myself and the world so it gives me a bit of anxiety. I care too much about what other people think - Cuz I don't have it all figured out.

But one day at a time. I have time my dad says. I don't have to figure it all out at once.

I'm gonna plan to talk to my therapist and make a psychiatrist appointment. I'm afraid that my meds will be changed cuz some are controlled substances. I get comfort for managing my meds cuz my mom could easily be controlling my treatment - But I have good insight and not treatment resistant. My meds work really well.

I notice that I need the Invega after being psychotic. I just needed to know and have proof - It will work for now. Might take antipsychotics until age 25-30.

I'm scared about getting a job. People want me to work full time and I just want to work part time. I'm growing a lot by working on myself while not working. I have a good sense of where I am in society and want to really be independent but not a job that drains my soul for the rest of my life. The bad and good things keep me surviving. There's a problem to be solved but also experienced at the same time.

You’re totally welcome here....I have bp 1 with Psychosis too.....

I’m ok was at a small family party.

Oh, ok! I'm glad to see you!!

Glad to see you!

I'm crying by myself. I'm sitting here hiding and crying by myself. Kids are occupied with video games and animals and my roommates are busy elsewhere. I need a hug. I'm not worth their time.

Pretty sure my bra is broken even tho it’s a sports bra. Probably stretched out. Lmao.

Hugs erti.....

Has anyone ever heard of euphoric depression? Or had it?

Oh how things have changed

A moment ago I was on a plane, drinking hot chocolate. Then I landed in the Canary Islands.

I remember one exact moment.. I was like 11. I was in the back seat of the car.. We were driving to the grocery store. It was a hot day - Not a cloud in the sky. I remember san dunes and windmills, palm trees.. I had a thought - "You'll be older.. This won't last. It will go by like a flash. This will be like a dream".

And here I am. I want to go back to those places. I want to travel the world.

Another time when I was 16, I was swimming in a warm pool at night in Guatemala and above the grass on the left, there was fireflies... I never seen those before. On the right, there was the ocean. Behind me was a restaurant and hotel. In front of me was my grandmother sitting at the edge of the pool. She said "One day you'll look back on this moment and it will seem like a really nice dream".

euphoric depression? you mean bipolar d/o?

What does d/o stand for?

I had drug induced bipolar for 6 days. The mdma comedown was full blown euphoric depression and episodes of cyclothymic mania. I cried 40 times a day for 6 days so like 250 times I recon. When I listened to music, I would get the chills from head to toe.

People would consider it horrible. But idk what they're talking about.. For me personally, it was much better than anhedonia. Although I wouldn't like it to happen again.. Not now.

That's just my personal experience. Mostly since 16 until then, I had complete dysphoric depression all the time and agitated mania. Never felt euphoric.

I hope I don't get crap for this: I'm just trying to understand..

Hugs @ Erti tho

Was making toast but opened the computer to give a hug

I’m watching this movie Touched With Fire and the characters being manic reminds me a bit about how I was when I was off my meds. Kind of triggering to be honest.

Sounds science-fiction-y...

There is already a treatment option for depression like ECT called "DBS" (Deep brain stimulation) where they place an electrode or two into the brain.

It proven to really help with depression.

I don't advise tho

I've had ECT actually. Ha

I'm thinking about going to live with my brother for a bit idk

He's a very smart INTJ and is really updated with the world. Has basically no mental illness for some reason.