Roll Call 168 =)

I am back from a long day of the Columbus zoo.

Oooh sounds fun!

for some reason the kids are still awake while most of us "adults" are asleep.

What a great zoo...did you see the polar cub kulu?

Pics?

it is a good zoo. It was a little hot today but I try to keep myself in the shade. We didn't see the polar bears this time. We have a zoo pass for the year so we can go whenever we want. I want to go to the water park that is open with the zoo.

So apples next update is getting widgets and multitasking like android, FINALLY! That was one of the reasons I went android for a year was the multitasking. Actually the ONLY reason. No reason to switch away from Apple now with iOS 14 coming this fall! Whole bunch of other goodies too!

I feel like I'm not in tune with antipsychotics right now - Like I'm not aware of their zombie effects.

In the past, I'd knock myself out with 8mg of risperidone due to agitated mania/psychosis (I know now this is very dangerous because of neuroleptic malignant syndrome) which would help for 2-3 days and then I'd do it again.

But then I was prescribed (3mg?) in the hospital in 2017 and I've never felt so terrible. I had zero thoughts and emotions.

I think of the olanzepine like a benzo. I notice that the mind state on how you view the medication or even expectations of the effects can alter how you react.. Such as pain sensitivity, awareness of self, the external environment such as the world, amount of paranoia, etc.. I've built a tolerance because I haven't taken olanzepine in about 6 months until the injection was lowered and I took 7.5-10mg on Christmas of 2019 - It made my psychosis completely go away - I wasn't scared of the comedy on TV and could laugh again.. But I needed to lie down and eventually fell asleep.

I'm scared of going to sleep. I fear of not waking up.

Sounds familiar.

That is supposed to be an awesome zoo!! Jealous!

Why? Do you get panic attacks?

I'm feeling better that I think I should celebrate and have an introverted party by myself

I feel sad idk why

Sorry, newtus. What about a movie or a show or some other distraction type of thing? Someitmes, I just go to bed early, when I feel like that. Hope you feel better soon!!

Thanks. I have a lot I could do right now. I’m tired and sad, but I can’t sleep.

I goto therapy tomorrow and I just need to be upfront with her about things. She’s been trying to put me down as having DID and it’s just not so. And I’m sure the past 7 or so doctors and 15 or so hospital discharge papers, that diagnosed me as having schizophrenia, would disagree with her, heavily.

I hate when people try to misguide me to another direction than what is actually going on. Cuz yet again this disorder has proved me wrong this past week if I was ever in denial about it for any second.

Why is she fixated on DID, do you think? Just becuase you dissociate? Plenty of people do that and do not have DID, at least, I think so...

I am happy again. The director of my program is awesome and is letting me back into the program. I am going to finish this degree!

Also I think meds help me more than I thought previously. I am on more meds now, due to what my psychiatrist prescribed last time (I see him again tomorrow), and I feel significantly better.

Also I had my first shift of tutoring today, which was good. I helped people.

Good for you!

Excellent!!

That’s great

Sometimes you don’t know what you want until you’ve lost it once.

I realize she’s a pro but unless she happened to be a clinical psychologist which is totally different than a T, I would not put any more stock in her diagnosis than some dude off the street. T’s even with PhDs are like the worst at diagnosis. Trust the pdoc s or if you get extensive testing a clin psy.

Is anyone still awake or did I miss the party?

Anyway, got a job interview tomorrow so naturally I only slept four hours. Thanks anxiety.