Roll Call 172

No. Not yet. I have to take their 3 courses before I can. Which also makes me feel like it’s partially a waste of time. Not HES but just that part of it. I already dropped the course and have signed up at asu again.

I know everyone is tired of me doing this. I know. I am too.

Asu wants me to take earned admission courses too but because I dropped out of some things I did with them before. Good thing is like before, I don’t have to pay to take them unless I pass. If I don’t, I don’t have to pay and can retake them as many times as I want. Cheaper education too. Has my exact major I want. But the quality? I’m not so sure of. I think it’s quality but it’s definitely not HES quality. But, idk...it’s cheaper, has my exact major, etc idk...

It’s fully online.

I just idk what to do anymore, I don’t.

For me the whole HES thing seems driven by status not practicality.....and then you just end up with a general degree. Personally I think you’re mkaing the right choice.

What have u been up to lately?

Vyvanse, coffee, nicotine gum.. Now time to work..

Work and homework......

I was gonna go grocery shopping but I slept till 3pm (an hour ago) because I was up half the night, someone outside had their music on a stereo playing really loudly most of the night.

I'll go tomorrow and Tuesday then

What's wrong with my dopaminergic system

I'mma go on a dopamine detox eventually.

Got a new plant! Yay!

Getting some more baking chips to add to my collection, white chocolate, and also reese's peanut butter chips.

Feeling solipsistic. Like I'm God or the second coming of Jesus or something. I try not to entertain these thoughts but they give me anxiety.

I'm telling you that my environment isn't good and I want out. But I'm addicted to things and can't enjoy nature because of my mom and my past.

I'm deeply ****ed up and don't know what is real. It feels like psychosis.

My Invega injection is in a few days. I think it's the only thing that helps with this.

I might take an olanzepine but more could cause depersonalization. 5HT2A receptor antagonism is what I need. But I am very low in dopamine.

I feel alone - Like I'm in isolation. I want a good life and I'm trying but I'm in so much mental pain that I think about death often. I can feel demon type entities haunting me and that this is a simulation and there's a glitch in it.

I need to distract myself but I obsess and every single point I go to leads me back to the start - My past, trauma, existential dread, not having my way and not even knowing what I want - Wanting nothing but just to not exist so the pain will go away.

I hate my life

Started watching the blacklist....so far it’s a lot like 24.....yay!

So change it....

I want change

Just afraid of panic attacks

I felt a bit better before the olanzepine kicked in. Still feeling ******. I'm analyzing my way out of this though.

My doctor says I pay too much attention to how I feel.. But I feel.. like I obsess too much over my thoughts.. But I said "feel like" so ..

I need to learn how to form my own opinions but I can't

I binged that for months! So many surprises!

The olanzepine has made me tired but feeling better

Practicing crocheting, just doing rows over and over again

0223, wide awake. Tried to sleep but my ankle is jerking like mad--my periodic limb mvmnt disorder. Just cannot sleep when ur leg is kicking all over the place.

Was so depressed yesterday, I considered giving up. Just not sure how much longer I can do this. Just being honest. I am safe, not to worry. I would guess I have had maybe 120 major depressive episodes since birth or so. The cumulative toll of having to try to keep myself alive over the decades is getting to be more than I can do.

Did my shopping. Got some pumpkin shaped Reese's too. I still need to do the rest of my grocery shopping but tomorrow it's gonna rain all day so I'll go Wednesday

Yay for early fall stuff!

Man I totally messed up my last quiz....I did ok score wise but man I got a lot of stuff wrong we had specific examples on...yikes!

Yeah definitely ready for fall!

Sorry about the quiz, just study what you got wrong and you should be good for next time

I like how my agoraphobia is seen as a good thing now