Roll Call 172

Hope your exam goes well @cogladaid fingers crossed for you!

What's everyone up to today?

I'm just working. Well not really working. I'm at work. =/

Homework.....

I’m revering in things.

I got an early birthday present. Gosh ima be 30... Man fck. I’m just scared cuz I thought I was supposed to have everything in line by 30. I worry more about my lack of accomplishments than I do how I look. I feel like everything is a deadline when it comes to age. I guess cuz my parents kinda indirectly said that. My dads like “if you don’t goto a college, it may be too late”. And my moms like “if you don’t lose all that weight by 30, your body is gonna go downhill after that”. And just other stuff.



Got these, too, for my birthday. Kitty ears gaming headset and the ears can be turned different colors.

Also, just idk. I’m happy lately but I’m sad. I was reading about a Caucasian rapper, Logic, who is retiring because he has a young infant son now. One of his last songs before retirement talked about how he’s accomplished all this stuff but he’s still a very sad person. How he’s had loads of money, fame, respect and he’s still quite sad. And I can relate so much. Not with fame or even a lot of respect, but money yes, from how I grew up. Fame? Maybe local fame. And some respect on my name through my small accomplishments. But all in all, I’m still a baseline sad person. Always have been. Always have been that person chasing the next high in the form of accomplishments. Getting accomplishments are my drug of choice. If that makes sense. Risk-taking behavior but in the form of bettering myself, with each new thing one step above the last. Idk how to explain.

Joy Joy Joy

I get what you are saying @newtus I turned 40 this year. Yeah I have my degree but I don't have my act together. Maybe by the time I'm 50!

@newtus cool kitty gaming ears too! Happy Early Birthday!

Love the kitty ears.....idk about using accomplishments to gain happiness though....don’t get me wrong accomplishments are nice mostly if people undervalue you but they will never replace the ability to find joy in a given moment regardless of what you are doing.

I think that’s the issue. Almost everyone I’ve known has undervalued me. I feel like I keep having to gain accomplishments to prove I am worthy. Mainly to family. Not my dad tho. But I feel like that subconsciously. Upfront, I feel like if I want to do something like my dream, it’s best to just go all out and get it done with a bang.

Another thing is, I try to keep busy to keep the psychosis away.

Are you sure it’s other people and not you undervaluing yourself?

It is me to some extent, but it’s also other people. But 2 person can undervalue me and I feel like Everyone undervalues me. Ugh. God my mom. Yea, but as far as myself, I’m always pushing my limits on my brain. My intelligence. I think, “if I can do this, I wonder if I can do this”. And I go further and further. I just keep going and I can’t stop. I love learning and knowledge and I like to read books and things that push the limits of what my intelligence could do. Idk how to explain it. I have this obsession with pushing my brain to complete tasks, as far as intellectually goes, until I pretty much get sick (nowadays). I seem to have been doing this since I been sick. My brain showed me what it could do with being sick and then while I was sick (you keeping up?), I kept pushing it further and further. And that’s partially how I got into philosophy.

I have such a busy day tomorrow. Taking the cat to the vet at 9. Therapy at 11. Eye doctor at 3:30 PM. Whew!

Tomorrow I'll have six months SH free. I'm so excited! I had to wrap my arm in an ace bandage yesterday though because the urges were so bad. But I didn't act on them. I think this med combo is really good for me. I don't think I'm in crisis as much. Do you peeps think I am in crisis as much?

My oldest niece turns 16 today. I'm like how did that happen!?! She should still be 4 or 5. I sent her a text this morning, at like 6 something. In typical teenage style she texted me back when she got up around 10. I love her so much but I hardly ever get to see her. Can't believe she is old enough to drive!

I’m glad you’re doing well SlumberKitty

Making sausage and peppers on Sunday.

Spending tomorrow cleaning to make sure everything’s perfect for the inspection. I know it will go well, it’s just my anxiety disorder that causes me to worry about stupid things.

Hugs bluebird....

We were supposed to have an inspection today too, here. But no one came by.

I hate inspections with a passion.

Hope u start to feel better. Maybe play some animal crossing?

My exam went well! Seemed pretty easy. It’s one of those ‘you either know how to write an essay or not’ kind of ones.

Now I gotta wait like 10 business days to get my mark.

Onward to my other courses!

Glad your exam went well @cogladaid!

HUGS @Blue_Bird