Roll Call 173

Making chocolate chip/peanut butter chip blondies in a little while

Hugs, Erti.

Yummer!!

Oh, man...

26 miles on the bike at dawn. Cute doggies. Two cyclists had their puppies in baskets Yay! I want a little one for Albert, so he doesn't get sad when I leave.

done for php today. It starts again on monday. Not sure what I want to do with my weekend though. I'm feeling anxiety like crazy.

I'm not the type to hold a grudges or anything. I want people to enjoy their life as best as possible.... I forgive my mom... I forgave my dad who I thought was the best to cut contact with. No ill will... just can't be around their lies and what they did to me and my siblings as babies and kids. Hell I forgive my mom's ex who molested and rape me at the age of 3 up until I was 7. I forgave my uncle Tim who threatened me with knifes being high as **** on crack and beat my aunt at the time. I forgive my uncle Tom how was physically aggressive and witnessed him strangle my cousin of the ground because he didn't drink all his milk. He at one point grab me by the hair and threw me on the ground. Denied his daughter and told her that she better not be around my grandparents or he'll kill her.

I guess my point is... I forgive with that level of abuse and mistrust I can forgive anyone and try not to let it bother me. If I don't forgive you... it's more so me vs... you.

my point is I cannot forgive myself

HUGS Erti

Think of your mind as your friend. I need to do this too.

HUGS Erti my T would say, what have you done that is so bad that you cannot forgive yourself. (You don't have to answer) just think about it. You can forgive others who abused and mistreated you. You're a good person. You deserve to be nice to yourself, especially because those who should have been weren't. HUGS Kit

T tomorrow. I'm both looking forward to it and not looking forward to it. From experience though I will be glad that I went. Especially since I wasn't well earlier this week. I just want her to give me advice (which I know is not the T's function) and just be like "When you feel like x, do this." "When you feel like y, do this." That would be so helpful because I sure as heck don't know what to do. Some auditory hallucinations this week. Nothing too scary though.

Because there is nothing to forgive, no mistake to forgive because you didn’t do anything wrong. You were the victim of abuse. We tend to make excuses to defend the abusers by saying that it was our fault that they abused us, because the fact that people we care about abusing us for no reason is unbearable. So we make those “reasons”, we try to make sense of their behaviors using a wrong logic to protect our feelings. I see you as a strong person, the only thing you lack is a correct type of therapy and supportive people around you. If I can recommend, try to listen to some podcasts about how to heal a childhood trauma and how to love yourself. Be your own best friend, parent your inner child, be someone you wished were there when you were a child

I hope I won’t be up for more than 24 hours again today.. Kinda nervous about it.

I suddenly have fever 🤒

Oh no! I hope you're okay and not getting sick!

I just texted with T. I told her I was looking forward to seeing her tomorrow because it had been a tough week. She told me to Hang in because she would see me soon. Then she asked how my cat was doing! That was sweet of her. I told her Esther is back on antibiotics because she has another infection, that she is just getting old and sickly. T said she can relate to the getting old part!

Hi y'all

I wasn't doing too good, made a bad choice, and after 6 days, am feeling better, but now I'm IP at a psych facility til they see fit to release me, which will probably be after the weekend at least.

HUGS @childofchaos831 take care!!! So sorry you are IP but I'm glad you are feeling better now.

Thanks so much

I feel a little depressed today. Not really sure what could be causing it.

I find myself parenting in a way with my friends kids... I feel brokenhearted because the kids got taken away. Things are said about me and my friend that wasn't true because there's no way I'd threaten the kids. I loved them as my own... I feel responsible in a way because the whole thing about the house being dirty. The youngest was crying when they took her. She was like "don't let them take me away"... I care for those kids. I care so much for them. I love those kids and the hurt from the separation and not being able to see the kids for over a month is hard.

HUGS @WastingAsparagus hope you feel better soon!

There were 3 adults living in that house and the house was already messy before you came in wasn’t it? If anything it was the parents’ fault.

I moved in before they had furniture... 4 adults... my friend, his girlfriend, his cousin, and me. Then there's the 3 kids, 2 pitbulls, 3 bedroom townhouse. I checked out with the cleaning. It was me and my friends girlfriend cleaning the house. His girlfriend has been in and out of jobs pretty much. Her mental illness got the best of her like mine. All four of the adults have some sort of severe mental illness. 3 off us with PTSD and me with schizophrenia, my friend bipolar, his girlfriend with BPD and some sort of dissociative disorder that borders on the DID spectrum and my friends cousin has a mind of a teenager because of a head injury. So yeah