Roll Call 174

cant sleep

I just feel distressed from all these thoughts. If it’s not my mental health issues it’s my gender issues and dysphoria. Like now my mental health is under control these other feelings come to the surface. I can’t seem to catch a break. It’s frustrating.

Listening to fun music is distracting me enough to work so that’s good lol.

Went grocery shopping. Had like $5 on my rewards card grocery membership so that brought my price down to like $24. Couldn't find canned pumpkin though, will have to try at Walmart tomorrow. Want to have a few cans of that around for fall recipes.

Hope you got some sleep eventually. Maybe your doctor will have some ideas of what can help when you see them today

Just got back from the library. Put in a maintenance request to hang those pictures so hopefully that will happen sometime this week

Maintenance is gonna do it today in like 15 minutes they said

I’ll post pics after

Everything came out perfect. Here’s some pics though they may post sideways

It looks more like a home now

I was so nervous about putting in a maintenance request. But I did it! And I'm proud of myself because I had been meaning to get those pictures hung since I moved in

I think this is a sign that I finally feel comfortable here. As a kid we were homeless most of the time and it had a major effect on me in terms of always worrying about where to stay, etc whether we'd have anywhere to go. I think that kind of turned into my fear I have now as an adult about getting kicked out of places. So this is good, I feel at home here and safe, not like it's going to be taken from me. Part of my hesitation to get the pictures hung for so long was due to paranoia about getting kicked out, I didn't want to put roots down

Slept in until 9:30am, saw my doctor at 11am. We had a small talk about how well I'm doing. He wants to see me every Monday and Thursday.

Gonna put 20mg of CBD under my tongue cuz it worked well last time - Then I'll do some things in a relaxed state.

I weighed myself - I'm 176lbs. I thought I was over 200lbs so that's really good. I'll be monitoring it every week to see if I gained weight from the olanzepine. The psychiatrist said "5-10lbs is ok but 15-20lbs gain - We might have to change the antipsychotic".

I might go for a hike with my mom when she comes home from work - It's good for me to exercise.

Found a good stress relief yoga video. Gonna use it in the mornings.

Going to the food pantry Wednesday to make sure I have enough stuff to get me through the rest of the month.

Had a really good talk with my doctor.

I'm now on risperdal 6mg and cogentin 1mg

My concentration is terrible because of ambien. But i haven't taken ambien in a couple days. When will it come back?

Smoking that weed was a realization for me. I had so many realization. It made me feel even worse about myself as I came further and further down and I can't disagree with it either. And I think everyone has been spying on me on here as well. It's crazy what people will do to get a laugh. It's really sad people are that pathetic. Also I found that in personality, conscientiousness is conntected with paranoia, so a person can be too conscientious. But I was very conscientious for a period while battling the paranoia, but in my case it isn't really paranoia after all that has happened to me.

BB, the pictures look great =)

Desoxyn, I'm glad your dr cares about how much you gain. He sounds like a keeper!

Precious!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs, Cog.

You are doing awesome, Blue!!!

Beautiful!!! Thanks for sharing!

@Erti Selene is beautiful!

Saw my T for an emergency appointment on Friday. She basically talked me down out of a crisis. She's great. Then she texted me Saturday, Sunday, and Today

My Mom has some sort of Amnesia Mild Cognitive Decline That could either turn into Alzheimers or Dementia. Sigh. 20 page report, didn't tell us much. We are pretty much doing the interventions they suggest. There's a couple of books they suggest though that we need to look at getting. I'll probably end up with this when I'm old.

I can’t wait to see my psych on Thursday. I wanna open up to her. Talk about what’s on my mind. It’s frustrating keeping it all in but I don’t feel ready to talk to my family. I should be honest. I’ve had these feelings on and off for years back and forth.

C’mon, Thursday.

Got a shower today and am so proud of myself for doing so!

Have a package arriving tomorrow. 2 containers of Royal Dansk Danish cookies and a 48 oz container of Ghiradelli hot chocolate mix