Roll Call 174

Yeah I realize that weed makes me take a hard look at myself and who I am - Which I avoid (Hence the severe experimentation with substances, partially).

You might feel this way for a few hours or a day - Or a few days. It subsides though eventually so don't worry.

a few days??? lol lord what did i get myself into?!

Just the paranoia could last a few days not the high lol

Its all gone now. The anxiety and paranoia. I actually slept like a baby as well. The only bad thing, which isn't bad at all really, my concentration.

Down to 147 lbs. Thanks to metformin and eating healthier. That's the lowest I've been in a long time.

Finished work. I don't work again until Friday.

I see my doctor tomorrow at 11am so I'm gonna sleep in until 9am.

I'm very grateful for many things in my life - I was talking about it with my mom last night (She's very positive) and says that my dad is the opposite of her and that she hopes that I've become more like her. I think I'm both.

I'm doing much better now. Not benzo dependent anymore and off of the phenibut for 2 weeks.. Taking my meds as prescribed although I'm gonna take some ashwagandha because I was good with it last night - Which made me feel grateful for a lot of things.

I'm ok..

I'm happy you don't have to suffer through those panic attacks anymore. They just make the world feel like it's ending.

I should just talk on here I suppose.

I seem to have even more health problems popping up, seemingly out of nowhere but I know they must’ve been building up over time. Just didn’t notice them.

I woke up from a nap today and it felt like there was a space in my teeth like I was missing a tooth. I think because I been grinding my teeth due to whatever. Maybe meds. When I sleep. So my teeth have shifted dramatically my mom is going to y’all and make fun of me if she sees it. I have a slight chip in my front tooth that’s just barely noticeable. But she said if people see it they will laugh and always remember me by that. So I’ve become extremely self conscious about my teeth now. I’ve never had braces growing up etc they were always perfect. Haven’t been for a few years now tho.

I was looking at my body in the mirror yesterday cuz my weight is going up and down. My weight is a huge problem. I’m 5’2 barely, and have a small stature/bone structure, so My weight has pretty much deformed my spine, into an “S” shape... I can’t do much for long or I’ll get bad back pain. I seem to need to crack my back every 15 min to relieve the pain. But I also have a compressed spinal disk due to my weight.

Gosh not to mention My spine has re-angled it self to being on my phone/computer so much. So there’s a hump on my neck cuz it’s reangled itself to adjust to my looking down all the time. And with my Chiari 1, my migraines are unbearable. Not to mention my chest plate has been sticking outward slightly due to the hump on my neck.

It’s just a huge S shape now starting from the back of my neck. I went to a spine doctor. They eyed my spine for 5 min and said I need to goto a physical therapist. I felt angry. I waited 3-4 months to see this dude dude to corona and a waiting list and in 5 min he said I need to goto physical therapist...

I have a chip on my front tooth. No one notices. Only you! lol

No but I think a physical therapist would help @ NEWT

You seem to be anxious. Physical things happen in life and can be really annoying - Making us suffer, wishing that it goes away. Like me and my heart OCD for example..

I'll let you guys know if I find a solution to stop the weight gain from olanzepine. I believe that I'll be successful. I've been drinking "bulletproof coffee" with 1tsp of MCT oil.

Magnesium can help with teeth grinding - People with ADHD use it to stop grinding their teeth from stimulants - Make sure you check with a doctor though before taking it - Maybe you'll have to change your meds. I've been grinding my teeth for 7 years - Two bent teeth. Hopefully they last a while because I enjoy clenching my teeth - It helps me focus.

How's the metformin working? You should take a walk every day and make it apart of your daily things like walking the dogs + Doing stretches in the house like yoga stretches.

Hot and cold showers help, meditation to see where you're at and mindfully make the proper decisions to not use your phone more than you want - Cuz I know social media can leave notifications and you're left thinking "Oh **** I just wasted 10 minutes of my life scrolling" - But yeah I know it's hard with mental health and just wanting to feel OK, low schizo motivation - Always needing a break.. But as you said, breaks are good.

I want to be in the right mind state all the time - I'm just trying to survive at this point. I like to have "fun" less often now when I should. But life is ok.. We'll get through this =]

Worked on my creative writing for over two hours today.

Also got into some stupid argument on social media the other day. I hate getting into such arguments.

Thanks desox. Yea I’ve been exercising via the VR/dancing games/boxing games on there.

I can’t be in the direct sunlight due to my AP’s so I haven’t been outside to exercise specifically.

I want to buy some flowers for my apartment, maybe next month, just to cheer me up.

Do it! I love doing that for myself 😀

I swept, cleaned the cats box, cleaned out the fridge and freezer, washed some of the dishes cuz the ones from the fridge need to soak, bagged all the trash, cleaned my desk and fiancés desk, and cleaned the kitchen. Plus some other random things.

And I managed to exercise using VR for 20 min.

Gonna shower soon

That's inspiring. I need to do some cleaning, will get to it as soon as I get home tomorrow from the store and library.

I think I'll put in a maintenance request this week for them to come hang some of my pictures. I have ones of Jesus and Mary, a framed autographed Lindsey Stirling poster, and my baptism certificate

Just been dwelling on my thoughts this weekend. Got some studying in yesterday, watched movies and TV today.

And now tomorrow is Monday again. Bleh.

I will I'll have to get a vase to put them in too since I don't have anything they could go in.

My sister is going to help get me some plants too to have around the apartment

i see my outpatient pdoc tomorrow

Ok so the reason I felt good last night wasn't because of the Ashwagandha. I think it was because of the 30mg of CBD.

One of the cognitive effects of CBD is mindfulness. I'll take another 30mg tonight and I'll report back in 2 hours..

This is Selene... we got a new cat today...

Cute!

The CBD definitely feels like weed without the high which is what I need. I can DO things! I never noticed the effects before but I do now that I know what to look for - It took like 2 years of not taking it often.