Roll Call 176

I feel stressed out. I think my apartment isn't clean enough and I'm going to get kicked out

Didn't your sister just come over like this weekend? I think she would have said if it was too messy or dirty. I think it is your anxiety getting the best of you. You said you just vacuumed and you have a plan to do some more cleaning with Christmas music. I think you are fine. Really truly.

Can't wait for my new UGG slippers to get here but they aren't coming til Friday.

Thanks she came a month or so ago, she's coming again this weekend to visit. I don't know why I have so much anxiety related to this, it's weird really. I never feel satisfied with my cleaning and I panic.

Esther when we got her home from the vet hospital....you can see on her front leg where it was bleeding from where they either did blood work or put an IV I don't know which. It looks better now though.

I ordered new cat combs for Esther and Amelia too. They don't really need them for the winter but they will come in handy in the Spring when they are shedding. One is mint green and the other is pink!

I read for over an hour again. The more I read, the easier it gets. I think in a few months, I'll be in a much better mental state.

Esther is pretty!

Made an appt with obgyn for preconception counseling.

I woke up today after sleeping for 12 hours. I’ve been sleeping much more lately - I don’t know why. I managed to read a book for an hour today and then spent like 2 hours lying down in bed with my eyes closed. I didn't fall asleep but I'm extremely unhappy and feel like a zombie almost.

I took olanzepine before it happened.

I just want to feel better. I want to feel ok. I'm overwhelmed by everything. Sometimes I seem ok but I'm really just distracting myself. I want some sort of meaning and I have hope for great things but I don't know how to get there.

All I have is technology - It's cold outside, I have no friends.

I'm sick of being in such an unhappy state. I can't let go.

I can’t explain that my environment limits me - It’s not aesthetic and very uncomfortable - It may be because of autism symptoms.

I get very little done every day. It’s like I’m dreaming of a different life and at the same time, I have trouble starting new things - When I plan to do something, I can’t stop wanting to just relax and rest my mind instead of watching a movie, playing games, learning or doing anything that I want which requires mental effort.

It’s like the antipsychotics are sedating my mind too much. I wish I didn’t have to take medications - But maybe it has nothing to do with medications. I was this same way at age 12. Daydreaming is what relaxes my mind.

I’m much more aware now and regret not wanting to improve myself in the past - All it was was my ex step dad telling me to do chores all day every day in isolation. I’ve developed a conviction that I just don’t want to put in any effort because it didn’t get me anywhere - Although I know that it gets easier getting a little bit closer to a destination which a little different than what I imagined.

*I told my mom to read this and we had a talk - I'll be going on a vacation on the 20th which is what we need*

I'm gonna smoke a little weed and turn on the xbox

I wrote a letter that I might say to my doctor tomorrow (I edited it in my previous post here).

My mom didn't want me to smoke weed but doesn't want to argue so I said if it causes me to feel bad, I'll stop.

Now after seeing the game on the xbox, I feel scared that I'm not prioritizing or planning.

I told my mom that I feel a bit worthless because of what the people said on the video chat - That was like a year ago.. But it makes me think that most people are toxic like them.. So idk..

I'm going to meditate or something. I'm way too self conscious and anxious about the future. I literally need to spend all the time I have to survive - COVID, economy, my parents dying.. Where do I go then? Homeless? Suicide?

I wish I had friends in real life to talk to and encourage me. I feel alone and isolated but as I said, I'll be going to Vancouver Island on the 20th so that helps.

Actually just started playing GTA. It's relaxing already. My worries are gone - And with the weed, my anxiety is better. I'll update how I'm doing tomorrow after I see my doctor..

I dont feel good. Feel really nervous.

Have you ever thought about doing things on the site Meetup.com? They (most likely) have virtual meetups where you live. I've done a few and it helps me feel less alone. Then maybe you could meet some people in real life...

Also, I thought of something very uplifting when I was in my class last week. "Even depressed/anxious students deserve to be in class!"

I keep having reoccurring dreams of being lost and not being able to find my way home. Apparently it represents making a difficult decision in your life. Which makes sense, honestly for me at least.

My stuffs out for delivery (ramen, sugar free vanilla pudding, zero calorie cream soda, Ensure vanilla nutrition shakes)

Omg 11 11 online big sales here. I got 5 canvases 20x20 cm only for $3 including shipping! But you can only buy 5 max.

I feel like I am being needy, obsessive, and paranoid today. I asked a coworker if I was bothering her because I am being these things. She said I'm not being those things. I'm just funny. ????

Just got back from therapy. It went well. She said I may have adhd or add tho cuz my situation with school.

I’m not a fan of soda but cream soda looks interesting to try. I hope your package arrive soon!

Thanks, my packages just got here

My friends cousin who OD on mine and my other roommates meds is doing well. He was on the ventilator a couple days ago... He's doing better and messaged me saying he was headed to the psych hospital. I'm happy he's physically alright.