Roll Call 186

I'm trying to get a job again. A low-stress one. One that I actually know how to do. The café idea didn't work out. They didn't hire me.

I was also reading this motivational book called Do the work and I'm wondering just what work I should be doing. Like obsessing about stuff.

Coffee is a serotonin explosion

I could never give up coffee. I drink it black, unsweetened, so aside from sometimes causing anxiety if I have too much, it's not really that unhealthy since it doesn't have all the extra calories that sugar and cream/milk would add to it, most of the time it makes me feel great. Sometimes I try to take a break from it though, like a 2 week long break so I can reset my tolerance somewhat and have it be more effective the next time I drink it

I've been coloring a bit. It's relaxing. I'm thinking of buying a 132pk of prismacolor colored pencils. I used to have a set. They're very nice. Expensive but the quality is worth it.

Edit: No. No one shall see this OCD thought cuz I could be never trusted with my mind again.

Moral of the story, don't take METH with schiz/OCD

It's full of horrors

But everything is good! ;-;

I need to distract myself. Idk what to do.. I would usually smoke

Edit: I just need to calm my mind.. Meditate.. I'll walk to the store to get milk for chamomile tea.. It's all in the mind.. Things are ok.. I have good insight.

Maybe make a list of things to do instead of smoking? I have such a list (not for smoking specifically but just when I get ADHD symptoms so I know that I can do something instead of getting overwhelmed).

This is basically the whole reason that I stopped smoking. Before I did something, I would smoke.. What I want to do is just freely do things instead of either 1. Smoking or 2. Procrastinating, trying to start but not or being paralyzed about the decision between the two.

I'm in the middle right now. I should try.. I just don't know how long this will last. It's a good way of thinking though.. It's interesting for me at least.

I'll try and make a list.. I have a list of everything that I do as well so I can chose from it.. I fear that it limits me though and removes any creativity for new things - So the decisions are stuck in limbo.

I'll figure this out no worries ^-; Thanks for your insight =]

I'm going to tell my mom that I'm doing this as well. She'll be happy to know that I'm doing this and possibly find some solutions. She's very very smart like genius/artist in executive function but also has a bird brain as my dad says xd

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WOW, SP! That is incredible!

I'm happy in my new room but there are differences that are part of indecisiveness like showering. Before, the CNAs took me and helped me shower but here I'm back with no one helping again. I need help with my hair especially.

I told my friend that I'm hideous and he should never see me again and he said I could lose weight if I want to. I guess that's true but I'm not done eating and drinking what I want. I want to cheat on my diet for another 7 years.

I’m on the verge of a panic attack

I feel like reality is going to break away any second. And I’m smelling things that aren’t there

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I cleaned up the yard a bit and listened to music. I offered to clean the cat boxes so I spent a while cleaning them.

Ah yes.. The present moment..

My little sister is going to move out =[

I am changing.. Life is changing. Life is the trip.

Hugs BB.. Remember to breathe. Grounding helps.. Like touching cold (Like an ice pack) or warm things (Chamomile tea), labelling things that you sense through seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, smelling (Even if it isn't real - It helps to label what you think it is). A Klonopin can help as well if it's too much. You've got this. You're very strong even though it doesn't feel like it when you're panicking. Things will get better.

I am so perpetually anxious. Going down on Klonopin has showed me that.

Thank you so much Desoxyn, I think lack of sleep is definitely contributing to it. I only slept 4 hours last night. I have an ice pack in my freezer I forgot about, that usually helps me a lot. I’m feeling a little better now, I’m just reading. I’m gonna go to bed early tonight after I take my night meds then sleep a long time

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I'm worried about my moms heart condition - She says that the heat wave is giving her heart palpitations + She's taking on waaay too much stuff and she's stressed out. I never seen anyone in the world that can multitask so many things. I'm grateful that she survived cancer for now. She needs help from my dad because he has money - So I have responsibilities to be well and try and be independent. I still have to get a drivers license. My grandmother (My dads mom) might need to go to the ER so my mom might help to organize for her to go to a lodge (My mom used to work at a lodge) or something even though my mom said that she was the cause of my parents' divorce because she's being mature about it. My dads mental health is deteriorating badly. My mom might have to eventually take care of my other grandmother (Her mom). It's not good.

I really would like to get off of Klonopin. I'm only taking 0.75 mg now.

I think it would be motivating that once you're off of it, you can take it PRN 1-2 a week whenever your worst/most anxious time feels like.

Your psychiatrist/doctor should find a good way to taper - Extremely slow taper + a PRN dose.. Take 0.75mg Monday, 0.5mg Tuesday, 0.75mg Wednesday, 0.5mg Thursday, etc.. Do that for 2 weeks.. Then 0.5mg every day.. Then alternate 0.5mg/0.25mg..

I will be your psychiatrist o.- No jk I know nothing of medical stuff... But your prescriber should know - Trust him/her + I'm not sure if long term benzos help with baseline anxiety like long term stimulants help with baseline ADHD.. Idk..

But I hope you feel better!

Thanks. I have realized I cannot get off of it. At least for the time being. I mean it helps me a lot. I realized this.